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Posted by: suzi | 2019/05/28

Gym location dispute

I met a guy at pick n pay and later realized we go to the same gym. He persuaded me and we had a short affair because I was caught by my husband. He said I should not go to the same gym anymore, ever. I agreed for peace sake. How is a gym location going to help our marriage? My husband doesn’t want to go to therapy and we have a lot of issues in our relationship. I I feel it is unfair and that my husband is being controlling. He wants to choose where I can and can’t go to exercise. He says it’s because I met the guy at gym and he doesn’t want me to see him. At the beginning of the ordeal I felt I needed to stop going to gym and deal with the issue. He filed for divorce and now the divorce has been paused. I know I cheated and is bad/wrong, I am embarrassed about what happened and though I couldn’t go to the gym earlier I would like to go back. I would like to put this whole thing behind me and move on with our lives. I will not engage with the guy if I see him. Am I being unreasonable by wanting to go back to that gym? I know I put my husband through hell but is it okay for him to require that I don’t ever set foot in that gym for him to be with me?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/05/29

Suzi, you're trying to be as controlling as him.  This isn't about a gym. He isn't wanting to control where you exercise, and you know this well.  Rather than reacting as violently as some spouses might, he wants you to take an obvious step to reduce the risk of your infidelity happening again.  That's surely not highly unreasonable ?  Its understandable that he filed for divorce, and kind to you that he has paused this process.
Was this the only gym in town ?  Seeing a couples counselor together would be an enormously healthier option than going back to the gym. Discuss this calmly with him, and maybe suggest that you will find a different gym ( maybe one that you and he could go to together ?) if he will agree to join you in couples counselling, to benefit both of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Suzi | 2019/06/07

I have not been to gym for a year because I understood where he was coming from. But for him to say I should never ever go to that gym again, it means we will not move on from the infidelity. It means the affair will always be hanging over our heads. I would like us to deal with the issue to a point where we can move on from it and I can go back to the same gym. How sure are we that the guy will be there? What if he's not? He told me he cancelled his membership. I can change my time to reduce the chances of running into him.

Reply to Suzi
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/06/06

Not sure how you compare a gym to a marriage you wish to work on. Yes he is right to not want you to be in a place where you will definitely see him again. Well, if you meet him at P 'n P again it would be up to you to walk away immediately. Your husband's trust is broken. Try to rebuild it. Therapy is scary for some people. Therapy doesn't always fix it sometimes it allows you to see that a divorce is maybe the best decision. Try to rather do an online marriage course together or a marriage course at a church first. Or get some good books on marriage. Some of the comments above are stupid and nasty. It doesn't make you a sociopath and neither is it incomprehensible to start chatting to someone standing in a queue at a shop and deciding to contact each other..what Anonymous do you think that never happens? Friends and lovers and spouses have met that way, by the way!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/05/30

Oh my word, i simply cannot believe you. You obviously do not value your relationship with your husband. Why would you even want to go back to the very same place where you started the affair? Clearly its not good for you but you cannot seem to grasp that concept. I feel your frustration is completely misplaced, you are venting anger towards your husband, but you need to take a long look at yourself. What if your husband had an affair with a woman at a bar. Would you, in all honesty, be absolutely fine with him continuing to go to the same bar by himself, knowing full well that this woman is here? Come on, look at yourself, change your ways and think of what your husband is going through. You seem rather selfish, after what you put him through, your only concern is where will you exercise?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/05/29

Picking up men at Pick n Pay, wow your a classy lady!

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/05/29

Your post reads very unsettling... Like it's really weird, but you sound completely devoid of any actual remorse.. No empathy for what your husband is feeling, if you did have any, you would understand his reasoning regarding the gym thing... Zero mention of feeling guilt for what you have done, just that you know that it's wrong and you're embarrassed.. Well done. Referring to you getting caught in an affair and the aftermath your actions have caused as 'the ordeal'.. Holy cow! Even when stating that you know you put your husband through hell it gets followed up by a but about you not getting what you want... If a normal person, with a normal range of emotions, felt they had put someone through hell, they would gladly make the sacrifice your husband is asking from you if it would make that person feel better. You sound like a sociopath lady..

Reply to Anonymous

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