Posted by: Thandeka | 2020/07/06

Dysfunctional family

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful partner who's from a good and close knitted family and mine is a dysfunctional one. My parents are divorced and not in good terms. I have a broken relationship with my mother that started during the divorce. Lot of issues happened but we still do the minimal that a mother and daughter do, i. e. I visit her and we assist each other but there's no much relationship there. The issue is my borfriend is so determined to fix the relationship but I know it's too broken and toxic to fix, it's over 6 years and again I can't tell him all the family secrets for him to understand. How do I handle it? I don't want him thinking I'll be a bad mother to our children in future.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2020/07/07

Hello Thandeka,
There's no reason at all why you wouldn't be a great mother. In fact, having sadly learned so much about how bad mothering happens, you could be better able to avoid it than other people.  Your boyfriend really should not be interfering in a situation he does not understand. You can tell him that you are pleased he had and has such a good and loving, supportive family, but that this is not possible within your own family, and you don't want to cause more misery by trying to force it to improve, having tried and failed. 
A relationship has at least 2 sides, and as your mother apparently can't or won't play her part in reconciliation, you cannot do it alone.
Remind him that neither of you can change history ; what happened in the past, happened.  What is important for both of you is to develop and enjoy the present, the relationship the two of you have right now.  Do other readers have helpful suggestions to offer ?

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