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Question
Posted by: Jaques | 2016/06/30

Does it Matter

Morning Doc , ( adhd,ocd,general anxiety) I've known my current Girlfriend for 4 months been dating for one month. I'm 32 and she is 23 , In the first week that we started talking I hear from a friend she was a little wild on university but details in what sense I don't have.. She did once wanted to tell be everything about her past but I declined and said that we are starting new and my and her past is not going to influence the relationship. But now I want to know how many sex partners she had and its bothering me and I'm very very eager to ask but I know she wont respond well , why is it that I want to know ?? Because of my promiscuous past (15 Ladies ) I'm also very insecure and trying hard to keep it at bay because I know I've destroyed past relationships like this , so far I'm keeping everything in check but its hard , Especially with my OCD In new Relationship , does one just move on and start fresh let the past be past ?? we are not yet sleeping together as we decided to wait Thanks Doc I'm on Zoloft and sometimes concerta depends how I feel :-)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2016/07/01

Hi Jacques,
It interests me that when people talk about finding out about their partner's past, it's never about whether they used a library, or sang in the church choir, it always seems to be about sex.
You do ask an interesting question as to WHY you have begun to obsess about how many sexual partners she may have had before you. Why does this matter to you, and what sort of answer are you seeking ? It's notable that you seem to link the fact that YOU had quite a few sexual partners before her, as somehow causing YOU to feel insecure :  neither of you seem to have been unfaithful to the other.  Why does it feel to you that the specific number matters ? Does a number tell you anything interesting, or are there actually other things worth knowing about each other ?
Some readers mention the risk of STD, but of course there can be a serious risk if there was even one previous partner, and no risk even if there were several. If this is a concern for either of you, some simple blood tests can settle those issues. The number of previous partners probably has less significance in terms of your compatibility and potential happiness together, unless the number as something ridiculous.  If she'd had several hundred prior partners, that might suggest that lasting and loving relationships are not in her CV.
Can you clarify for yourself what the real, non-numerical issues are, and maybe explore these with her in conversation,  without the need for a pocket lculator ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jaques | 2016/07/01

thanks Doc and everyone else for opinions..

Reply to Jaques
Posted by: Just saying | 2016/07/01

It matters. As does size. That's one of the biggest lies out there. I've had a boyfriend that could have joined the pencil brigade (problem is he wasn't good with his other parts either). And he didn't realise it, in fact, he thought he was a stud. My husband is normal length but has extra girth = awesome and he's good with his technique too. We both went for aids tests even though we each hadn't had so many partners. The number be it 1 or 100 matters in terms of transmittable diseases, so does size and so does technique. I'd rather marry someone with some experience and an Aids test later than a virgin without having an Aids test.

Reply to Just saying
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

It matters to me, and I think someone having 15 partners or more has a problem. My hubby once said his ex was fab in bed and I once confirmed that my ex was very well endowed...both adults it was just a conversation we had about sex. I decided to be better for HIM (yeah probably a bit of jealousy/envy). So I watched different porn to check my techniques, tried all I had learnt with other partners on him (not 15 mind), read some books, discovered what turns him on specifically and went for it. He totally responded and in kind. So my past experience (and his) helped both of us. We're still happily married and we're very active in the bedroom and still romancing each other and are faithful to each other some 15 years later. He also never had 15 partners either. I totally think experience counts be it 5 or 15. I would wonder about someone that had a new partner each year....unlikely to be able to hold a relationship together after the initial passion has gone.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

Clearly you haven't been dating in some time. Dating now is not the same as it was 20 years ago. You may long for a happy healthy relationship. Sadly, you will find 90% of the people out there sees dating like eating from a menu and each night they eat something else. You're more than likely to be single for years plus, than to find a relationship through no fault of your own. So I've had more than one partner a year. Sadly they're all willing to date you till they get sex, then they're out the door. And you can't not have sex forever to see if this one will stick around, because that would let even the best man run. Dating sucks

Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

15 people at age 32 is actually not a lot at all. If say 18 is the normal age at which people become sexually active, that is an average of one partner per year. Very little in deed. If you're going to be looking at things like numbers, you need to take the entire picture into account. A woman who got married to her high school sweetheart may have 1 partner at age 43, where a woman who only got married at age 28 and got divorced at age 43 may have had 30. It makes absolutely no difference.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

Actually I think everyone wishes to know who their chosen partner has slept with because of curiosity, the different bodies and techniques experienced (don't lie and say we don't all compare even if silently), but most of all sexual history in terms of diseases. This doesn't mean we all get the truth but one hopes so. Sincerely I'd have a problem is my husband had told me he had slept with 15 or more women I'd have waited longer to see if I was just another notch on his belt. The important thing is that you can sleep with one person and receive a death sentence disease so really the history is important as well as disclosure of any infections past or current.

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Tegan | 2016/07/01

"...the different bodies and techniques experienced (don't lie and say we don't all compare even if silently)" - Which doesn't help you in any way so why be bothered by it... Knowing how many different bodies or techniques your partner has experienced makes no difference to your current relationship or your sex life? You are going to learn what works for you as a couple specifically and what doesn't, some things that may have worked with a past partner may not work out great with the next, etc. That also goes past just even asking for a number, you want the gory details? No thanks ;) Curiosity killed the cat... I think that applies well here. No doubt you are right that people make the comparison, hopefully it's always silently, hehehe... I'm sure my husband also compared me to his ex and I probably fell woefully short of her at that stage because I was inexperienced. It didn't affect the overall outcome or make any difference to whether the two of us were actually sexually compatible or not and no comparison needs to be made to determine whether there is chemistry or not between two new people. I suppose you could use the number as an indicator for whether someone gets bored quickly/don't like commitment, but it could also be entirely wrong some cases.

Posted by: TL | 2016/07/01

Hi,agree fully with Tegan,the number is irrelevant,however risk factors are AIDS,STD&lifelong consequences that CANNOT be wished away by love.You need to face the realities head on by jointly taking necessary tests.Once done you both are then truly starting anew&afresh.All the best.

Reply to TL
Posted by: Tegan | 2016/07/01

Rather base your opinion of her on how she is currently and how she handles you and your relationship. How many partners she has had in the past is largely irrelevant, the only thing to consider is the risk of STIs and that is something that would matter (and is worth discussing between the two of you) whether a new partner has had only 1 past sexual partner, 10 or 20 - it also goes both ways; the actual exact number in itself is *completely* irrelevant to your current relationship, in what way would knowing that number actually benefit you or your relationship? What do you actually gain by knowing? I can't think of a single way that it would make any kind difference.

Reply to Tegan | 3 comments (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

That was what happened to me exactly Tegan. I'm a very visual person. Half way through nookie I would look up at him get this disgusted feeling and always felt like it was me, him and all of them in bed then I just get up get dressed and just leave. It really ruined what could have been an amazing relationship otherwise. Getting tested would have been more then okay with me and like you said above, make your own history and be happy. Lesson learned.

Posted by: Tegan | 2016/07/01

I agree, it's totally unnecessary to know all the gory details. I don't want to be thinking about that when we are intimate and unfortunately I'm a very visual person, would end up painting pictures in my mind of all kinds of things... Unpleasant. My husband disclosed the number to me while we were having the have you been sexually active?/tested?/do you know your status? type discussion. I did not ask or think to ask because I thought it was not really important to the here and now... Just confirm that my health is not at risk and then we can move forward and make our own history.

Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

I agree with you 100% Tegan. In my case he had this freekin need to tell me how many and what they did. I never asked him or wanted to know. Rather not ask Jacques so not worth it. Do not mess up a good thing you have going.

Posted by: Jaques | 2016/07/01

That is very good answer that I am really trying to come to terms with. If I know I don't think it will matter, because she is really wonderful and we all go through the exploration fase and I cant judge , because I've been there and I don't know where she was at that time in her life.

Reply to Jaques
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/07/01

Honestly, why do you want to know how many men she's slept with? What will you gain from knowing it? Will you love her more if she had less partners? Have a better view of her? How many partners are acceptable to start with? Is 8 ok, but 9 too many now you need to leave her? Truth is, it doesn't matter. What matters is how she deals with your relationship. If she's faithful to you, then clearly she deserves your love, trust and respect, and that's all that matters

Reply to Anonymous | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: msj | 2016/07/01

excellent response.. totally agree.

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