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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2013/11/28

Difference between asexual and no sexual desire?

I recently watched a documentary about asexuality and I could really relate to the people in the film. I am 32, married, and have no children. I was a virgin when I got married at age 26. Since my first sexual experience, I have never liked sex. I thought it was supposed to be this great thing but to me it's like washing the dishes. I thought I had a low sex drive because of birth control but I have been off for over a year and I just don't want sex. All the info I read about low sex drive is about women whose sex drive has decreased or menopausal women. Mine never decreased, I never had it to begin with. I was just fine being a virgin and I would be ok if I never had sex again. I fantasize but I'm never in my fantasies, it's always anonymous people. I don't envision myself with some guy. I'm attracted to men but I just don't want intercourse with anyone. I think some men are attractive and I think maybe about kissing them but nothing more. I'm wondering if I am asexual or if my husband just doesn't know how to "push the right buttons" so to speak. I've never orgasmed but I have masturbated but never "climaxed". I was ok as a virgin before I got married and was never tempted to have sex. I like kissing and cuddling so I think I fit into this romantic asexual but I'm just not sure. I remember kissing during my college years and finding that fun but I just don't find sex appealing. In fact, I think it's kind of gross. In the film I watched, some people said similar things and I could totally relate to the feelings of just being neutral about sex. When the asexual people in the film said that they don't want sex, people were confused and I thought it just made sense. Right now, my husband and I have sex quite infrequently and it bothers me because I feel like we're supposed to have more but in actuality I'm ok without it. He would like to have kids and the thought of having that much sex turns me off. Am I just unattracted to my husband? Is it that he doesn't turn me on? Would I prefer a more sexually attractive man? Am I actually asexual? Or have I just not had any "good" sex yet? It has not affected my relationship because we go to bed at different times. Does anyone know the differences between being asexual (meaning no sexual attraction to anyone or no desire for a sexual relationship) and being sexually unfulfilled and/or bored? I enjoy male companionship I just don't want any intercourse.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous Ace | 2016/01/11

This is probably no longer helpful to the op but to anyone else who comes across this post, let me set some things straight: If you experience no sexual attraction (meaning desire to have sex with a discussing person), you are asexual! Asexuality is separate from sex drive and romantic orientation so it is definitely possible to be asexual and in a romantic relationship or have a desire to have sex. It's also completely acceptable to be ace and not want these things. If more information is wanted on asexuality I would reccomend looking up AVEN.

Reply to Anonymous Ace
Posted by: Kimi | 2013/12/05

Knowing your sexual self is important. It is normal and it is healthy to have a sexual side of you. what is important is not the sexual act itself or the frequency but the depth of intimacy involved between two people. It is sort of a coming together, a sharing of bodies, minds and spirits. When you start to explore this intimacy, you will find your desire will ebb and flow and you will naturally want it sometimes and other times you will be quiet happy not to. When there is a harmony between when you want to express yourself sexually and when your husband wants to, then it makes a happy marriage in terms of the sexual satisfaction side. Do some research into tantric sex and into mindfulness (Buddhist teachings). Also introduce dried figs, almonds, cranberries, bananas, avocado in your diet, sometimes its the brain chemistry that needs to balance.

Reply to Kimi
Posted by: Kristina | 2013/11/29

This is a very difficult question to answer. Since you have watched and did some research about all this, some more research may help you understand but i will try to help you as i possibly can put it into words. So, you are married and had sex but it doesn't appeal you. There are various possible reasons for this. You haven't quite explored sex much, you didn't have good sex yet, your mind manipulates you during sex which results to an unenjoyable sex, sex with a guy just doesn't turn you on, sex isn't for you or your husband wasn't doing it right. There are lots of possibilities why sex doesn't appeal you. But have you tried other ways of having sex? Like, sex toys, fore play, different speeds and positions, etc. Other ways of having sex may appeal you. Also, have you tried having or watching a girl-on-girl action? Sorry if you have issues with homosexuals but i have to mention this for the sake of it. Male sex may not appeal you but maybe a lesbian or gay sex may turn you on or it may appeal you. Your are not asexual because you are married with your husband. Surely, your feelings was involved (falling in love) and you were attracted to him before. Though, it is possible that you may not have have any sexual desire. But i recommend you to try those things i wrote up there. :-)

Reply to Kristina | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/01/11

"Your are not asexual because you are married with your husband" Well that's a load of BS. You obviously have not researched asexuality much and I would highly recommend you do so before trying to give advice on it.

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