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Question
Posted by: Purple | 2019/07/23

Decision made

Good morning, I've reached a decision about my life. Unfortunately my husband's drinking hasn't stopped, he hasn't sought treatment despite being given all the resources, disagrees that he's an alcoholic, and the volumes are creeping up again, and he has become more secretive about it. Things like leaving a full six pack in the fridge in the garage all the time, but drinking from a different source (I can see the can that is cold and moves around the garage and kitchen and scullery- it could be one can or many, but either way, the effects are argumentativeness, snoring, slurring and unable to hold a conversation). It causes eye rolling and upset for my teenager, and my little one asks why he behaves like that.The borderline verbal abuse has stopped since we went to counselling and things have been bearable and even pleasant at home for most of this year, however, we have no physical contact, he has tried to hug me and so on on occasion, but neither of us seems interested in sex with each other at all. This has gone on for a few years now. I think this is going to be very difficult for my children in the short term but I think that in the long term it is better. I'm worried about my teen losing focus as he's doing so well at school currently, and I worry about my little daughter who is having a tough time because of her learning disability. However, I want them to be eating around the table at night, to have a set supper time, things like that. Financially it is going to be difficult and I keep worrying about getting them to extra murals and keeping up their various other interests, as my husband does take part in some of that, not much, but some, and he's got more involved since we started counselling. I don't suppose anyone knows whether they're making the right decision or not when they decide to proceed with a divorce and everyone has these fears and some come to fruition and some don't, and I just have to take things as they come and deal with whatever occurs if it does occur. I'm just terrified i"m doing the wrong thing and I hurt my children more than I help them because I"m putting my own needs first instead of theirs. My husband has also made comments about how I won't be able to do my volunteer work because I can't leave the children alone, however, at 15 and 8, they can be left alone together for an hour or two. both are mature for their age and responsible and it isn't like this would happen all the time, and it happens now anyway.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/07/24

Hello again Purple,
Sorry to hear about all this. One can only do the best one can in any problem situation, and make the best decisions and choices one can given the information available to us.  From my years of clinical experience,  and personal experience of alcoholics in my own life,  they rarely change, and then not without admitting sincerely to themselves and their family, what their problem is,and without proper expert help.  DO get legal advice to ensure that the best interests of you and the children are protected, and that he pays maintenance for the children until they are adult, which may constrain his drinking budget.
Slight delay : I heard voices in my back garden, & saw 2 trespassers arguing with each other, set off the panic alarm, waited for the security guys who searched, and now back and settled.  As I was about to say, we'd all like certainty, but (obviously !) can't predict what'll happen next.

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