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Question
Posted by: | 2015/04/14

Cyber Affair. How long will it continue like this?

Good day, Last year July my husband started an affair with one of his first girlfriends who lives in the UK, is married and has a 13yr old child. They started messaging on facebook, then I found out. Then it went to emails and I found out that too, then it went to bbm messaging and whats app. It got so bad that they were sending each other nude photos and erotic messages. He thought he was doing nothing wrong. He said that he loves me and that he would never leave me as she is millions of miles away. But it changed him completely that he never hardly spoke to me, never played with our 4 year old and even used to send her messages when he was home. He works away for 2 weeks at a time. I put a stop to it and told her that I would tell her husband if it did not stop and she admitted that it had gone too far as they were living in the past. The only problem is I am still checking his phones and constantly doubting him. How long will it continue like this? He got very upset when I would find out things. I think it is because he was caught out. He even went to the extent that he told her he loves her and cannot live a day without talking to her.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2015/04/14

If he really thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with this sexual flirting with a married woman,  have you asked him how he would feel if you took up a torrid cyber-flirt with an old boy-friend of yours, exchanging nude pictures and so on ? Would he find that equally blameless and splendid ?
Does he think it's fine merely because he doesn't actually plan to physically leave you,  when visa requirements and her husband probably make that impossible anyway ?
He is being over-dramatic when he talks about being unable to live a day without talking to her : he'll probably survive that.  But why haven't the pair of you engaged seriously and sincerely in expert marriage counselling,  to better understand yourselves and each other,  and see what,if anything, could be sorted out  ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Reply to Becky Nolan | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/05/10

Please reply -- Is this real? it happens?

Posted by: Juliana | 2015/04/17

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Reply to Juliana | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/05/10

Hi Juliana Is this real?

Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

Maybe you have nothing to offer in bed? Ever considered that?26

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

There is nothing stopping you from cyber dating. Ut is not wrong when he does it; it won't be wrong when you so it and show him. Don't let him look for it. Get it to him on a silver platter. In the meantime prepare to butt out

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

I have also been a victim in this year. I managed to put tracking software on my ex girlfriend's phone and the results were shocking. In fact it did not stay with one person but 4 men in a matter of 3 months from January 2015. It was hard to be normal to her as everything that i have seen or heard kept popping up in my mind. The one man that i found out about she met by waving at each other on the highway. They had their regular meetings at various locations and during the they would Whatsapp each other until it was time to leave for home. the one person that i knew about since November 2014 was still involved after i was told that it was over. They in fact met each other in the bathrooms at work and fulfilled their sexual needs. I even came across palm prints on the bonnet of her car the one morning. Then the other 2 were completely kept in the dark that she actually had a boyfriend. They were also very sexually involved and after gathering enough evidence I dropped the bomb and she knows that I knew about all her affairs and sexual interactions. I went away for the Long weekend and she invited the one man over when I left. I picked it up and i notified the police to remove that man from my house. In the early hours of that morning she was somehow removed from the house by Security and Police. That just broke the camel's back. She was forced to seek refuge from a lady that works with her but i had nothing to do with the removal of her and her child from my house that morning. I then exposed them as they were all working for the same company and she has since been put on leave to get her self sorted out. It is just sad that people who do these things never ever think about the people who cares about them and if there are children involved never think about their own flesh and blood. The effects of these things if they are brought to light can be catastrophic and can have really bad repercussions on all parties. She has since removed all her stuff from my house and I am the bad one in this case. That is a sign of pure guilt and she cannot face the facts that she has now been caught out after so many times and that I really had enough of this crap. Trust is broken and cannot be rebuilt from scratch ever. People find this a thrill and I personally think that its a sick obsession to do these things. I was caught out in the beginning of this year because in my quest to catch her out and i have learned from my mistakes and never went down that road even after knowing what has been happening behind my back. If you are a victim of this, gather enough evidence, let as many people know about this and let the ones who are doing this know that what they have done was wrong and they just have to face their own Karma. The pure rejection in this case really hurts but you need to pick yourself up and move on with your life as you deserve so much better in life than these people doing this to you.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

I lived 17 years with man that had "friends" (phone friends, sms and whatsup friends, etc) until I found out that he could not keep his zip up. He was married for 22 years before and had done the same to his ex wife. I was the one being accused of flirting and sleeping around, in the mean time, he was the one behind the door. After he told me that I was not what he wanted anymore, I left him. He is now missing me and wants me back BUT that is NOT an option anymore. I am happier now than I have been in years. LOOSE HIM!! PUT HIM UP FOR ADOPTION PLEASE!! It is not worth it.......

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Koos. | 2015/04/14

Maybe, just maybe she's hot and you got boring. There I said it.

Reply to Koos. | 2 comments (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

Actually Koos she isnt, she is twice my size If she was then I know I would have a probem. Maybe you have a problem...

Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

your name says it all !!!

Posted by: straight-up | 2015/04/14

The relationship between you and your husband is now over. You've probably been married for a few years and are hoping that he should remain exclusively with you through loyalty, irrespective of how you talk to him or treat him. His initial passion for you has obviously waned and he's now finding that passion rekindled with someone else. Why are you with him? Relationships are a 2 way street and if all you can offer him is mistrust (deservedly), then it's over. If you want him to become your friend and lover all over again, then go and get him. Not with snide comments and sneaky checking up, but with some passion and excitement. He is most likely still with you because of love and loyalty, but it's not going to be exclusive in the passion stakes unless you can put something into your relationship that he wants. Otherwise, if he's not worth it, dump him and move on with your life.

Reply to straight-up
Posted by: Anon | 2015/04/14

What I'm about to say may sound foolish. I his eyes he sees it as not violating your marriage and relatinship. He cannot see right from wrong. You or the councellor will need to explin why this is wrong. One of the ways to open his eyes is role reversal ie. what if you were doing the texting.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Ann | 2015/04/14

He sounds like my EX husband.. He also thought that because he hadn't actually had sex with the woman/women yet (or so he claimed) that he hadn't done anything wrong! If your husband is so interested in this other woman even if she is in another country then he's not interested in you any more. It's not your fault or the other womans fault. It's his fault for allowing himself to be sucked in! Get rid of his sorry ass now. Once he's done it he won't stop.. This is my 24 years of married life story..

Reply to Ann
Posted by: ED | 2015/04/14

I am wondering why for a similar problem some people suggest leaving him and then if the person is married they must go to counselling? The answer should be the same. He has all but violated you. You have asked him to stop as you are not comfortable with the messaging thing. He has not stopped thus showing absolutely no respect for you. The answer is obvious. Time to move on and find someone who loves and respects you. Best of luck.

Reply to ED | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

He has stopped Ed, its been over 3 months now

Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

Leave NOW!! I believe that there is NO reason whatsoever on this earth to cheat on someone. If a person is abused then leave, if the sex is not good then talk about it and sort it out or leave, if you constantly fight then see someone or move on to someone that you are compatible with. Any reason good enough to cheat is a reason good enough to rather leave that person. Its a moral issue. If he has done it once, he WILL do it again. He should have thought about your child before he did it, if you stay then this is the example he will set for your child. My view... If a girl can leave her boyfriend/husband for me then she can leave me for the next guy. Once a thieve, always a thieve - Once a cheater, always a cheater. -

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

Thank you CyberShrink, I have suggested that we go to counselling and sort this out.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

I have told him that and told him we have to work this out together. It is over now, but I still feel insecure about it and I know that it will take time. This woman found him on FB, she hadnt seen or heard from him in over 20 years. I think if she has done this so quickly with him she has done this with other men too. She clearly has no resppect for her own husband.

Reply to Anonymous | 2 comments (hide)
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

Dont mean to sound insensitive but it sounds like you are putting all the blame on the woman... she has no respect for her husband just like your husband having no respect for you... and worse, he doesnt think he did anything wrong. And what if she wasnt overseas? If she was still in the same town?

Posted by: Jenna | 2015/04/14

If he doesn't think he did anything wrong and he got upset at you for finding things out then be wary- he may do it again. Unless he actually takes responsibility for what he did, apologizes PROPERLY and acknowledges that what he did was wrong then you will be insecure about it. Have you considered marriage counselling?

Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

Your question : How long will it continue like this? The answer: As long as YOU allow it.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2015/04/14

He is really pushing you to the limit. That is blatant disrespect. You need to decide what you want to do as he feels you are accepting the situation and he is living the best of both worlds. If you leave him to make the decisions he will stop and start, he needs to apologise for his actions and do everything possible to win back your trust, If he cannot do that then he is not worth your precious time.

Reply to Anonymous

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