Posted by: Tired Mom | 2019/06/18

Children pushing the limits

Yet another long story, doc, that I will try to keep short. I love having kids in my home. I love the noise and it reminds me of my childhood. But when certain things occur, it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck and I literally tense up throughout my body. The neighbours' kids (one boy, one girl) come to play with my daughter. Ages 7 - 8. My issue is this: they no longer respect my rules. Have they become so comfortable in my home and with me that they think they can treat me the way they treat their own parents? They talk very ugly with their parents. Something my daughter NEVER did. Now my daughter is taking after them and I feel like I need to distance her from them for a bit so that I remind her of the way we raised her. These kids look at me, hear me when I say NOT to do something and then they do it when they think I'm not looking. The girl is violent at times too. They also come tattle tailing every 5 minutes but when my daughter is at their home, she doesn't bother their parents constantly. I found out today that they have also been in my kitchen cupboards in search of sweets. They know where the sweets are and my daughter knows too, of course. If my daughter offers them something sweet, I can accept this. But when they scratch in my stuff on their own, I get furious. I don't know how to command respect from these kids who tell their own parents to shut up and they run around on the street all day and spew all sorts of verbal hogwash. I cannot and do not want to isolate my child from them. She needs to learn about all types of people so that she will be prepared for these people in her life (at work, at high school, etc). I'm thinking of making my home off limits just like their parents have done in a way. They have an aggressive dog and use this as an excuse. They say 'the dog is not locked away so you can't come in'. But they COULD put the dog away quickly IF they wanted to. But no....they need to shove their kids onto me to make a disaster in my home, disrespect me and my child and even break things. All I want is for them to respect my rules....I just don't know how to get through to kids that are clearly not being disciplined or educated at home :-/

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/06/18

Hello Still Tired Mom : 
I'm not sure you need to have allowed this awful situation to arise or continue. The next-door kids you describe are horrible little savages, apparently seriously neglected by their lazy, incompetent Bad Parents.  But that should be a problem between them and their awful parents who seem to have abdicated all proper parental responsibility, and perhaps Child Welfare of similar authorities.  If there is real evidence of significant parental neglect, maybe they should be reported to Child Welfare for investigation and assistance. 
There are surely more normal children in town who your kid could spend time with.  Why not ban these marauding little monsters from your home altogether ?  You have no duty to admit them or accept their bad behaviour. They will be teaching your own child bad manners and worse, with no advantage to anyone.
I don't understand their parents nonsense about the dog : surely they don't have a dog that in some way means their own children can't access their own home ?  If so, that definitely should be reported to the authorities.  Let the kids do in their own home as they please, but not in yours.  There must be other families in the area who also don't allow these kids entry  ? 
Your child has no need whatever to learn directly from these kids how awful children can be or how useless some parents are.  By all means discuss such matters with them, but that doesn't need to be a contact sport.  Its wise to discuss possible pedophilia with children, but that doesn't mean opening your home to the neighbourhood pedophile.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tired Mom | 2019/06/20

Thanks Doc...not sure if you will read this reply. I don't want to spam you with posts. I have subsequently disallowed these kids from entering my home. While the parents are quite nice, they don't guide or discipline their kids. They allow bad behaviour whereas I am accused of being too stern but at least my child is praised for her good behaviour when we go visit others. Pretty much all of the parents here are like that. Most parents work which means that kids are raised by grandparents which is absolutely disastrous. Kids roam the streets here from age 3 or 4 and parents hardly even know what their kids get up to. It's disgusting but this is the culture over here. The best I can do is at least teach MY child right from wrong. I have had a discussion with her about good and bad behaviour. What I expect and what I do not accept. She is diligent, intelligent and respectful. She is just very easily influenced. So I need to limit her exposure to these kids but I feel like I need to allow her to get used to bad people so she knows how to brush them off and NOT listen to them. They are very bossy too. They try to control her and I am trying to teach her to stand up for herself more and NOT just go with the flow. That said, I do 'check' these kids on their bad behaviour and I threw them out of my property and locked the gate. As for their is not aggressive with them - only with people who don't live there. It's for their security and I understand this but it can be easily locked away for a few hours. I'm putting my foot down now. I love kids, I love having them around but I don't appreciate being the doormat. Thank you for your reassurance, doc. I tend to always try to make people happy but I usually sacrifice my own happiness in the process which results in far too many sleepless nights.

Reply to Tired Mom
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/06/19

Just don't allow the behavior in your home. You have house rules, it's your home, you give instructions. If they don't want to follow the rules, take them home. You don't have to 'ban' them. They can come back again at a different time, they can either behave or get sent home again. Rinse and repeat. They either enjoy spending time at your home and will start behaving appropriately or it's too much of an ask, in which case it's not your problem because they wont be in your home. If you continue allowing it in your home your daughter is obviously going to pick up the behavior as being fine by you.

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