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Question
Posted by: Liesel | 2019/11/12

Struggling with an cheating, abusive husband

Good day. Well, where do I start? I have been married for 12 years now. My husband has ALWAYS been a cheater, 11 years ago I turned around at the divorce court coz he promised NO MORE. Well, the years went by and yes he did and did it and promised and promised. But lately, he is totally out of hand. Every second weekend, he will drink himself to a standstill, fight with me, take his car keys coz the cars is in his name, talk about everything under the sun he is doing for us (me, my daughter, grandchildren and my youngest daughter which is his). It does not stop, then he gets in his car, take all the car keys, spare keys, the works and will come back the following day, with no apology, no remorse, still with attitude coz his got a tendency where he gets quite violent, although he is a bit scared to hit me coz I call the police in 2 ticks. I had it all, my own house, car, the works, then he walked into my life 14 years ago, sold the house, cars in the interim and today I have nothing. We married COP and bought things together, but I feel like such a loser, a failure. How could I allow a man to do this to me? When he is drunk and performing I get accused of sleeping around, he even accused me with my eldest daughter's husband. He say sick things to me that hurt me so bad and to him, it's like nothing. because he gets violent, he can do as he pleases. I am so tired of this. Even my 13-year-old cannot anymore. I think this year was the worst. His behaviour is totally out of control. I think he is acting this way for me to leave. Oh, he can easily put me and my daughter out of the house in the middle of the night, strip me off the clothes he bought me, the list go on and on. I don't have money, I don't have a car, I have nothing all because of him. I do have a job, thank goodness he didn't convince me to stay at home. Where do I start, what do I do as he believes he is out to destroy me. Worst of all, every time he applies for something, loan, car, he gets it. My name is a bit in a mess, so I am unable to do anything. I met him living in a caravan, polish diamonds for a living, I was a bookkeeper, brought my work home, to show him about accounting. Sent him for courses to get a better job, I taught him how to drive, took him for a license, the works, he is a man today because of me and this is what I get in return. How could I do this to myself. Where do I start to pick up the pieces.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/11/13

Hi Liesel,
A cheater is only a cheater because he is very comfortable breaking very serious promises he made to you, so you must always know that any other promises he makes will be treated with no more respect than that.
Each time they're discovered, they tend to ask for just one last chance.  And I ask "How many very last chances to you think you deserve ? "
Anyhow, you seem to be describing someone who is wholly selfish, possibly alcoholic, at least psychologically and emotionally violent ( and that always leaves actual physical violence a potential ).
It's not quite clear to me what you say he did, but if you were independent, with a house, car, job, etc., then it's hard to believe you just allowed him to sell your property.  But while we need to learn from past mistakes, we must not get glued to them : looking back, it may be clear that marrying in COP was a huge mistake, but it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Simply wasting time regretting it and similar errors is understandable but not helpful. We need to learn lessons about not repeating past errors, but need to concentrate on escaping from the negative consequences and moving ahead. You are not a loser : you married a total loser, who drags you down, and teaches you to blame yourself for the problems he causes.
It sounds as though he followed the police of : What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine, too.  Refuse the invitation to accept the blame. Simply regretting the mess that has arisen is not in itself useful.
So, what's worth doing about this  ? Contact one or more of the organizations that support and advise abused women : groups like POWA. They can give good advice, maybe help you find individual counselling, and a support group, with other women at different stages of escaping from such troubles, within which group you can help each other considerably.
Explore what resources you may be able to draw on : don't you have friends and family who could take you and your daughter in, in an emergency ? What are you doing with your earnings ? Is there a way to protect them so you have some funds to support yourselves?
Concentrate on protecting yourself and your daughter, and plan to achieve your independence and safety.  If he thinks he's so marvelous, leave him to care for himself ( the only person he has ever truly cared for ) and he can sink or swim as he wishes.  That needs to be no concern of yours. 
But get expert and group support so as to do this effectively.  And feel free to return to the forum with fresh messages to let us know how you progress.

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