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Posted by: Strange but true | 2015/05/11

My new guy is everything that a woman could dream of, yet I can’t seem to fall in love with him! Please help

Good Afternoon Very strange how we humans are, kindly shed some light on this matter. So I have had made a lot of bad choice regarding partners and always choosing the wrong one, some whom loved me, but used me, some whom abused me physically and emotionally. You could say I’ve been through it all. Had a tough time always trying to figure it out and trying to change or enhance myself. For the most part friends and family always tells me I am too good of a person and shouldn’t be so nice. Point is it is my primary personality to always put their needs above mine. I have however improved and am no longer the person I use to be. I am now not so nice anymore and have put my happiness above everyone else’s but still I am confused. I’ve had 2 very long and serious relationships and as of late it hasn’t been going so well after my last break up with my fiance. In short he loved me and is no longer in love with me and has met someone else. So before doing what he shouldn’t of, he decided to call it quits. Devastating as it was I’ve grown so much as a person from these experiences and now know exactly what I want. The last year and a half you could say I lost character did things I probably shouldn’t, went on numerous dates, met some really not so nice people but I have moved on and stayed focused. Now the tricky part his because of past experiences and bad examples I have come to know only that, hence my bad choices. However I have met such an awesome guy he is 2 years younger than me and I am now 30 years of age (never been married, no children) he is unbelievably humble, respect full, kind, treats me like a princess, and I have so much appreciation for that, I honestly do like him but I can’t seem to fall in love with him. Every girl dreams of such a guy including me, I am scared I will break his heart completely not that I am intending on doing so. I want to fall head over heels and I am trying my best but it’s just not there. I do not believe one should have butterflies and a spark to always make a decision because at the end of the day compatibility is most important, the rest can follow. I just don’t understand why as humans do we want the good but always tend to go for the bad. I really and truly honestly want this to work but I am struggling to feel something that I want to feel but is unexplainable to put into words. I know lots of past issues could play a big part in this but what does one do. He is everything I want in a person but I just don’t feel anything spectacular.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2015/05/12

This is where a skilled counsellor can help one most efficiently and usefully to review the pattern you describe of having made a series of bad choices in the men with whom you have tried to form happy relationships,  so as to recognize where you could most valuable revise your criteria and methods so as to avoid repeating old mistakes and habits.
Being "nice" is fine so long as it is part of who you are, but from your remarks I worry that your view of it is about being subservient,  shape-shifting to meet the expectations of the other person.  You seem, when anything goes wrong within a relationship, to assume that it must be your fault, and that you need to change yourself to suit others,  rather than picking a different sort of other.
By the way, it is NOT a widespread or compulsory pattern to like bad people and "go for the bad".  If can become a most unfortunate habit, but isn't necessary.
I think part of your problem at present is that loving someone cannot be forced.  You can't just decide that it would be a good idea, make a choice, and suddenly and deliberately fall madly in love with someone.  It just doesn't work that way.  Surely you can take more time rather than rushing into relationships, get to know someone and leave enough time to find out whether love is happening,  but you cannot force it.
"Spectacular" either arises, or it doesn't.  Love isn't like a pet, a trained dog, so you can whistle and it comes to you.  And once love is there, it can grow, but it doesn't have to be "spectacular" and wouldn't it be exhausting if it was constantly spectacular ?  The highlights only show and can be appreciated against a background of comfortable normality. 
Don't be selfish, and don't hurt him.  If he's a nice guy, maybe he could still be a nice friend.  But you could gently tell him you're not ready for a deeper relationship at this stage, and would prefer to stay friends

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: msj | 2015/05/12

Brilliant advice from CS & I totally agree with Phil..

Reply to msj
Posted by: Phil | 2015/05/12

So what are you asking really? If you don't feel it, you don't? Nothing anyone on this forum will say, can change that.... Fast forward. You marry the guy, eventually break his heart. Through an affair or just because you want to be happy....

Reply to Phil

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