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Question
Posted by: Concerned | 2019/05/14

CARING

Dear Doc, I am a matured woman in a relationship with a matured man for the past year and a half. We have so much in common and great chemistry. But we have some fundamental difference, which ordinarily should be fine, but with which I am having difficulty. I believe that if something is important to him, I would share it with him because it is important to him and it would make him happy to have me share it with him. He does not believe this eg it’s my niece birthday and he thinks that it is ok just to say he does not feel like going for dinner. If it was a huge event or something like that I would understand, but it is an intimate family dinner. Also his use of alcohol concerns me. Sometimes he drinks excessively and he has a very ugly habit of asking the host if we are out for a drink (often a beer) to take with him to drink on the way home. I can never have a glass of wine when we go out because even if we agreed that he would be the designated driver, he would drink anyway. I feel like we have become so close and at some point we have to stop and see where this is going, but at the same time I feel I should jump ship now because differences such as these which I have mentioned. What do you think, am I overthinking here and making a mountain out of a molehill?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/05/15

Hello Concerned,
No, you don't seem to be over-thinking. As you will have noticed, maturity doesn't automatically bring wisdom, especially in the case of some people we know.  And though with time we have usually accumulated some skills in negotiating and problem-solving,  these usually don't apply to all difficulties. It's a bit like putting together a tool-kit or first aid box : excellent policy, but we so run into problems for which we don't have the right tool at hand. 
This is where it can be very useful to  a couples counselor for a few sessions ; ( he may find the idea congenial if he thinks of it as a way of sorting out some of the problems he experiences within your behaviour !)
You may be able to enhance your shared understanding of each other, and joint problem solving and preventing skills.

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