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Question
Posted by: | 2018/12/13

Bad behaviour

I am a 40 year old male. I am married to a wonderful woman and have a fantastic little girl that took years of IVF to conceive. I honestly almost every day of my life feel so blessed and very satisfied with my life. Yet, I have one major problem, for years and years, my wife simply has not been interested in sex. I am very interested in sex and have struggled tremendously with this. I have communicated openly and honestly with her and her me. I have been patient, I have been caring, I have been kind and understanding. I have offered to go into therapy with her. From her side, she has admitted it is an issue on her side, has done extensive therapy to try an understand it, yet nothing changes. She continues to deny all of my advances, despite knowing what a crisis this is. So, recently in a drunken resentful mood after yet another rejection, I went off and paid for sex. I instantly felt horrified with myself, disgusted, ashamed, sick to my stomach at how I could have done something like this. It has been a while now and yet I still can't get over how I could have done this. Why would someone that has so much good in his life do something like this? Why would someone that loves his wife and daughter, loves his life, would do this? I am mortified by my actions. I am even scared that I don't know this evil side of myself. How do I make sure that it never rears its ugly self again?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2018/12/14

Hello, I understand your dilemma ; from your description this must be a highly frustrating situation in which you seem to have tried hard to act responsibly and to find solutions to the problem both of you share.  The latest episode on your part was indeed grubby, but simply beating yourself up about it isn't going to help either of you.
I can't help wondering what form of "extensive therapy" she underwent.  Usually it would be helpful ( though usually this would be enhanced by having you involved as well ).  In my long experience, psychoanalytic style therapy is NOT useful, can take forever without measurable benefits, and is not supported by good quality research.  Whereas CBT ( Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ) if done properly by someone who knows what they're doing, can be very effective, without taking ages, and has good research support.
So discuss further with her the value, for her, for you, and for your child, of finding a more experienced and appropriate therapist, and seriously try further. Make it clear that you recognize that this is not her fault, but is a problem limiting the accessability of joy and a deeper relationship, for both of you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2018/12/14

I think that, with your wife's lack of interest, this was going to happen sooner or later, and you should not beat yourself up about it. I venture to say that unless she changes her ways soon, it is going to happen again as men are men and men have needs. Women have a way of justifying their lack of interest in the physical aspects of marriage. I think this is to their detriment and I am always surprised when women get upset when their men stray. Just as you are kind and loving to her, she needs to meet your needs as well and I totally understand what you did and why and you should not punish yourself so.

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