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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2018/05/07

Am I the problem

I'm seeing this guy but I can't call him a partner or boyfriend. According to him we are not in a relationship, we have been "together" for 2 years and live together. I asked him that women should stop calling him at all hours of the day. Late at night women will call and then early in the morning. He said that it's not a problem because he has nothing to hide and that I should trust him. I explained to him that because the women think that he is single they feel they can call him at anytime and that is disrespectful to me. He doesn't agree and told me that he will never stop. He told me that he confides in these women and that he tells them about his life, business and just ideas. When I asked why he doesn't confide in me he told me because whenever he wants to talk I watch tv. I don't ever have 2 minutes to myself as I look after him, my daughter and have a very demanding job. Sometimes I sit down and watch tv for 30 minutes, but most of the time I don't concentrate as I'm thinking of work. He believes that I am selfish and should pay him more attention. He then proceeded to tell me that I need to find friends to confide in and talk to, like he does. He also basically said that I should no longer talk to him about any of my issues. Obviously this has upset me but he says he doesn't care as I need to learn to trust him. Am I the problem here, should I allow him to talk to women when he wants and just step back? Should he be free to confide in them at his own discretion. If I'm stepping over the line and encroaching on his personal space then I need to stop. Please advise. Thank You

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2018/05/08

I can't help wondering why you to live together : is it only about sex ? Though you don't mention sex at all in your message, it sounds as though you don't actually have a clear relationship with each other. You have a relationship, with a set of reasonable expectations, with a guy who actually isn't him, and isn't there ; and he has a relationship with a you who isn't there either.  None of your assumptions and expectations seem to match.
What does he get from whatever this thing is he has with you ? Something about it must be convenient, but what ? Do you manage the home, deal with chores and finances ? Ans what actual value to you, is he ?
You seem to have expectations, like fidelity, confiding intimate issues, etc., that would be reasonable with an actual boy-friend, let alone a live-in partner. Heck even just a flat-mater sharer. But he feels none of that could or should apply to him,
Its not clear what he expects of you, except no nagging, and leave him to do as he pleases.
It's not your fault, and blaming yourself doesn't help.
But you're playing cricket while he plays rugby : that's a game of chaos that nobody can win. What is the point of continuing this game ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Really | 2018/05/11

I would ask him to move out. I think he is just using you. Im sorry. If not for you, then for your daughter and for sanity.

Reply to Really
Posted by: Anonymous | 2018/05/08

Why stay, YOu sound like you have things together and are quite independant. you dont need a man to complete you, sometimes getting rid of the access baggage around you will make you feel lighter with so much less stress, leave him and find yourselve and than look for love again with someone who can show you respect. good luck

Reply to Anonymous

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