Posted by: Freaked out.... | 2008/11/13

8yr old talked about sex...

i nearly swolled my tongue last night, my daughet aged 8 came to me and pointed to the ' sex'  word on a book, she said her brother aged 4 said the ' sex'  word....not such a big deaal i know but what do i do- what do i tell her and where the hect did she find out what it is... does she even know what it is??? What do i do i ask her and what do i tell her... why does kids have to grow and learn such stuff at such a young age........ HELP> > > > > > > > 

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Our expert says:
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ALL kids know something about sex, from an earlier age than their parents suspect. Much of that they know is incorrect or inaccurate. And other kids ( and wirse still, some nasty people ) will be keen to tell them, accurate or inaccurate. So don't panic, this is clearly a good time to start discussing sex with her.
Maria's advice is good, as usual, and such a book ( there's quite a selection, and a good shop will have a range for you to look at ) can make it easier. Though it makes sense for the school to warn them against predators, its unfortunate if they get left with the impression that sex is necessarily predatory. Talk also about love, and relationships, and sex being great within such a committed relationship.

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Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/13

Hey FO,
I don' t have a particular book to recommend, you really need to go and look and find something you' re comfortable with. Look on kalahari dot net or exclusive books websites.

As for the school program... I talked to an educational psychologist about this recently and she said some of these programs are not that helpful because a) the child might not feel violated, and could even enjoy what was happening and b) no child will easily say NO to an adult. The best you can do is encourage you to tell you if something like this happened. Child molesters are often known to the child and they target kids who are starved of adult attention, so you can protect your children by giving them lots of attention and having an open relationship with them.

In the first place it is important that your children now the correct names for parts of their bodies. So if you have pet family names, start using the anatomically accurate words. It only sounds strange because we don' t use them - a child knows no differently.

You could tell your daughter that grownups who love each other give each other a special hug, and the daddy plants a seed in the mommy' s body which can grow to become a baby. This special hug is called sex and it is something that a woman and a man do together when they are married. You can give more detail if she asks, or if you work through a book it will probably be shown there. Tell her that if anybody wants to touch her private parts, or ask her to touch theirs, she must tell you immediately, and that nobody who really loves her would do that. Tell her that there should be no secrets between the two of you, and if someone tells her to keep something secret that she isn' t sure about, she can always tell you.

Phew, that' s a lot. I hope it helps. Don' t try and do this all at once, break it down and give little bits of info at a time.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: freaked out... | 2008/11/13

She knows the whole ' internal light bulb moment when she feels violated'  as they did this in school (OMG!!!!), she can tell me that when ever a person touches ' there'  one must say NO and go to some one big/ mom/ dad/ police... so ya- they had the talk at school. But what do I say... do i start like only married people have sex and sex is sacred... or do i warn her of all the PERVES out there... and... can you give a name of a book???

Reply to freaked out...
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/13

Also... they used to say you can wait until the kid asks you a question about this and then just answer the question. The problem is that you don' t know who she is going to ask the question. Will it be you? Don' t act as if this is all a big, dirty secret, rather assure her that she can talk to you and ask you anything, anytime.

Unfortunately we need to inform our kids to protect them from people who want to harm them. They must know that some areas of their bodies are off limits to other people, and that the reverse is also true and they must not touch other people' s private places.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2008/11/13

At 8 your daughter needs to know the basics and if she doesn' t get that information from you she WILL get it from school. If she hasn' t already. Go to a big bookshop or your local library, there are books on the subject aimed at kids that age. Then just talk to her. Ask her what she thinks the word means. Read the book with her. Remember that your attitudes towards sex is what she will take with her into her teenage years. You want her to have your values, not the values of her schoolmates. Good luck!

Reply to Maria

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