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Question
Posted by: help again | 2007/04/18

6 year old girl

I posted this message about a month ago, when cybershrink was away, i have still not resolved the problem, please can you help.
I have recently returned from abroad after nearly 2 years. I have seperated from my husband and returned with my 2 children. , The eldest who is 5 from a previous relationship, asked to see her father when we returned, she never had much of a relationship with him, however they did have some contact whenever we were in SA. This time he told her on the phone that he will call her over the weekend to see her, he then called me a few days later and said that he did not want to see her anymore as he felt that he did not know her, and wanted to know if my husband would like to adopt her. He had done this previously. I dont know what to tell my daugher as she has asked again to see him? Please can you tell me what I should say to her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Discuss this further with him. He doesn't know her, but that isn't the child's fault. I don't know how practical or sensible it would be for her to be adopted by your husband if you two are separated. But the father of this child owes it to her to get to know her, to treat her lovingly and gently, and if he has no permament room for her in his life, to take his time to know her, and then gently expalin this to her, making it clear that this is his fault, and in no way whatever any fault of hers. As lady nina says, it is vital that this child is consistently reminded that she is lioveable and worthy of love. lady nina outlines the explanation a child needs, very well indeed.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2007/04/19

hi there

it's sad that he is can't find enough love inside himself to share with her but there is nothing you can do to make him change.

best you can do is be there for you child, i've come to believe that each one of us choose our parents even before we're born- their purpose is to create an opportunity for the child to grow in areas that she is weak into a strong and healty adult
i don't believe in wasting time blaming others for things they do to us, instead we have to choose how we will respond to every circumstance - take responsibiltiy

i also believe that if you handle it in a calm and mature way she will be ok.

reinforce that she loveable and you appove of her just as she is, that she is safe, no one can ever take this away from her as long as she believes it to be true

i'm also a single mom and the ex has dissapointed our kids over and over again, i've always told them it's a short fall on his side and not anything they've done, i've tried to explain to them that he just don't have enough love or means to meet they needs - so it's not a that they need to much or don't deserve or done anything wrong, instead it's dad who doesn't have enough to inside himself to meet their need to feel loved.

i hope this helps a little
don't be hard on him or yourself

nina

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