Our expert says:
Funny you should ask that, as the lady who manufactured and marketed a totally false 5-stage model, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, just died recently. I used to know her, and found her bizarre, unreliable, vain, and her model though it became enormously powerful and shot into all the textbooks was just plain wrong.
In the marvellous and weird Bob Fosse film All That Jazz, there's a stand-up comic doing a riff about her and her 5 stages "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Sounds like a firm of lawyers."
The problem is that while those are all SOME of the ways in which we react to trauma / loss, there aren't only 5 of them and they're not stages at all. To me, calling something a stage or phase implies that you need to get to and finish stage or phase 2 before you can manage stage 3, and that's not so --- we can feel all of those ways of respoding within 10 minutes, and then all over again.
And with the sudden end of any relationship, through a walk-out or death, the sense of an unfinished conversation can be intensely bothersome. That where sometimes it helps to get the unfinished stuff off your chest, either with a counsellor, or, for instance, writing a letter to the person, spelling it all out --- and then burning it.. It's not that it's so important for all that stuff to be delivered to them, as it is to get it off your own chest.
While one's adjusting, yes, sleep paterns do get disturbed. And it feels very odd, but is actually not so unusual to hear the person who's "missing" --- even, sometimes, to see them briefly ( then realize they're not actually there, and it fades ) or at the time they usually arrived home, to hear the gravel scrunch in the driveway as if they were driving in.
Yes, Apprentice is fun. And Omarosa is fascinatingly awful. There's a lot we can learn from her --- there's nothing you can learn about what's worth doing, but loads to learn about what not to do --- how can someone be so intelligent and elegant, and make everyone hate her, and be so totally unproductive ?
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