Posted by: Had enough | 2004/10/28

4 year itch???

My husband (29yrs) & I have been together for 11 yrs and married for nearly 4 yrs. We have a beautiful 1yr old daughter but lately our personal realtionship has detoriated. Weekends he comes home late after a night of "partying" with his friends (some are still single). My daughter and I are left to our own devices and when I complained in the beginning he would behave for a few days and then things would go back to normal. I am tired of the constant fighting and feel like a failure and bad mother. I have suggested councilling but his male ego would not allow this. I am not sure if I still love him but feel that people get divorced too quickly nowadays. On the other hand my daughter and I deserve happiness. I am afraid that if I forgive & forget once more, I will just be hurt again. I sincerely believe that there is no other woman involved (no, i am not in denial) but how long before one of us reaches out to someone else??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Marriage counselling is needed here, surely ? Won't his ego even accept that he should HELP you with mariage counselling to deal with YOUR problems ? USE that "male ego" constructively !
I don't think you're in denial, as it doesn't sound as if there's another women, but rather, the even more common situation of the "other boys", and going out with the singletons, trying to feel young again. Shame
Can you negotiate with him maybe a night out a week with "the boys", a night in a week ( at least ) with you and the child, and, arranging a suitable baby-sitter, a night out a week with you and him together ? And get him involved in doing special things with the child, to make him feel it's rewarding to be a Good Dad.
Bubbles and BT make such a lot of good sense !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/28

Hi there,
What Bubbles said's is very true, things have changed for you. Maybe he is feeling insecure and is trying to run away from it by going out with friends, etc. but you need to talk to him and remind him that you love him and he has a very special little thing in his life too. Give him responsibility for your child and try and share more moments with just each other. Make him feel special and remember to hug him and tell him you love him, make him want to be around you, don't neglect him. Maybe you are not, but a baby does take a lot out of you and us ladies do become moody.
Give yourself a gap too, take time out and let him stay with the baby, go and do something nice for you -- maybe even arrange a ladies night, let him know their are single ladies and see what he feels. I am sure he will feel the same. Try to arrange a braai with your friends, his friends at home, explain to him that you want to be part of his life, social group -- it will eventually pan out and he won't go out with his single friends that much, especially when he sees them around you even if they do nothing, he knows what men are like, he knows his friends.

Good luck and Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: bubbles | 2004/10/28

Hey hey...dont make quick desicions yet..You have a child together.

Remember when you have a child it takes alot out of you in the beginning and that your focus is also a lot more on your child..than your hubby - which it will slowly balance itself out.

What he is doing isnt right - he needs to be there to help with your child too.Also male ego can be a tough one! You need to come across as a caring wife, not one that nags as that will turn him right away. You need to stress to him esp that he is going out with single guys it will lead him into temptation and ther are a lot of slutty woman out there unfortunatley. Go to him sayiing that you are concerned about some things and if he says you dont have to worry mention that the people he hang s around will eventually catch up to you.Also he needs to grow up he is a father now no longer a single guy.

You must also try to spend more time with him (know u r a new mom but try) go for walks toghether (baby in pram) make special suppers( once baby sleeping) things like that to make him want to stay home more too...

All the best :)

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