Posted by: Rob | 2008/08/12

16 year old son - help for dad

I recently walked in on my son and his girlfriend - he was nude and she was giving him oral sex.

I know that they were both really embarrassed about it and he has not spoken to me properly since.

What can I do? I told them at the time that it was unacceptable behaviour but now I think maybe I have been to harsh on them as they are not allowed to be home alone anymore.

I know what is was like to be 16 and I can' t say that I was doing anything different when I was his age and I don' t want him to think that I am an old prude.

Any advice please.....!

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Our expert says:
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Hi Rob,

I am sure this was embarrassing for all concerned, and that this is why your son is not really speaking with you at the moment. He may also be angry that you just walked into his room without knocking which at his age will feel like an invasion of his privacy. Also telling him that this was unacceptable - what did you mean by this? He may be left feeling that being sexual is unacceptable, and regardless of your views on this he will need to make his own decisions where his sexuality is concerned - and guidance rather than rules are what are required. You may have also left them feeling "dirty" with your rule about them not being alone in the house together. The honest truth is that if they want to have sex they will simply not be honest with you, or go somewhere else where they may not be as safe.

Consider making the first move by apologising for just walking into his room, and if you are unhappy about them being sexual in your house then you need to speak with him abot this - but remember what I said about them just going elsewhere. Above all normalise what was happening between them rather than leaving him feeling that he is somehow not normal sexally for what they have done.

A comment was made on here about the age of consent for boys being 18. THIS IS NOT CORRECT - The age of consent for everyone - male, female, straight, gay and bi is 16 years old. It used to be 19 for boys but it was lowered in later legislation.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jay | 2008/08/13

Yeah, I definitely should' ve mentioned safe sex too - I guess I take it as a given in my life. One *really* needs to be responsible in this regard and keep oneself informed about safe sexual practice.

I laughed about the condom thing mentioned above because when I was over at a mate' s place in grade 10 or so his dad came through with a condom jumbo pack (250 condoms) and gave it to us. As if we would be so lucky to go through all of those! hehe. The point is that he was looking out for us and wanted to ensure that if we were, in fact, sexually active then we would go about it in a safe way.

The legal age of consent to have sex is 16. Anything under that is statutory rape. Also, the new sexual offences act that came into effect a couple of months added an extra dimension in that if one person is 18 (or older) and the other between 16-17 then it can also be considered illegal - just a bit too busy right now to go look up all the details but they are readily available.

Reply to Jay
Posted by: G-Dad | 2008/08/13

Sorry Rob I missed that you are the father and not the mother.

Reply to G-Dad
Posted by: G-Dad | 2008/08/13

From a fathers point of view, I agree with the privacy policy, my kids is 9 and 11 and they already know, my son and daughter know do not enter a room when the door is closed, I knock before entering on my 11 daughters room, it is just respectful, if you want your kids to respect you then you must respect them.

I know that 16 is not really the age that could be classified as the legal sex age for boys, but is legal for girls, this might change to 18 for both.

I know from personal experience that when you reach the age of 12 some boys even younger the hormones take over and I know that I was quite over sexed at that age and it is natural to want to have sex and try out things, it is shocking to find out for a mother that her innocent little boy is turning into a man, if you talk to him and try to make it dirty then your son will not trust you to tell or ask you things.

If I was in your position I would have walked out without saying a thing because they are already embarissed for being caught by his mother, I doubt that they would continue, then later on have a talk to your son, if you are not capable get a male family member to chat him just to make sure that he is aware that use of protection is the way to go, tell him that you do not approve of him having sex at such a young age but if the urge is so great that he really feel he wanted to then use condoms, you will then have to get condoms from a clinic, hospital or buy it from a chemist and let your son know where it is and not to have sex without it.

Tell him as well that it is a criminal offense if he have sex at his age or at least if he have sex with girls younger than 16.

I also did not feel comfortable speaking to my mother about sex and I am sure your son might feel the same way, specially if you made a scene when you caught them red handed.

Reply to G-Dad
Posted by: Jay | 2008/08/12

Well my personal opinion on the matter is the following.

As you said, you didn' t do anything too different when you were his age. Tell him this.. but also tell him you were smarter than to be caught by your parents (or maybe you weren' t? hehe). Either way, if you can make him realise that you understand what he' s going through as a teenager and that he should respect you enough to be more discreet, then the problem should sort itself out.

At the end of the day, he' s 16. He' ll be getting " action"  any time he can and he' ll just do it behind your back anyway.

Last tip: KNOCK and ask if it' s ok for you to come in - give him that respect and i' m sure he' ll do the same by not trying his luck with his girlfriend when you are at home  )

Reply to Jay

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