Posted by: Teen Mom | 2009/03/10


My daughter is currenlty in grd 8. Wonderful child. our values are Christian based. She is very athletic achieved so much in sports and an average 70% academic child.

Prolbem: A friend told me she smokes at school and yes I confronted her and she admitted it. She says she has stopped but still hangs around with the group.

Told her that been associated with the group can/could give her a bad rep. at school. She assured me that she does not go with for their " smoke"  breaks.

I feel I cannot stop her seeing them at school nor on weekends. I would rather know that who she is hanging around with than doing it behind my back / lying to me.

BUT I feel uncomfortable with my decision and when we speak about our day etc I feel she is not being honest. Some hidden agenda ~ u know tell mom what she wants to know.

To top it all a teacher phoned me who is concerned with her marks and behaviour in class (joking and not settleling down).

We had another chat..... promises promises is all I get. But when the group talks amongst themselves I overheard her behaviour has not improved.

I am very concerned that she is chosing the wronge road... Do I sit back and wait till its too late or what do i do.

You advise will be appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageTeen expert

Hi there,

I feel that at this stage you are trying to keep the right balance between your concerns and the probems at hand. However, if the problems continue and you feel that you are still being lied to in relation to the smoking and problems at school you may need to change your boundaries.

At this stage it is worth discussing with your daughter that you do not want to have to intervene with regards to who she spends time with. However, if her promises come to nothing or it becomes clear that she is lying to you that although you cant stop her seing friends at school, you will no longer allow her to see them outside of school. Make it clear you are giving her the choice and the option to begin taking responsibility for herself; bt if she cannot do this then as her parent you will intervene without hesitation.

In this way you make it clear that you want her to have certain freedoms, but you are still the parent.

Best wishes

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tinkerbell | 2009/03/11

I also had the same issues with my son when he went to grade 8. It seems like they are trying to find themselves. As for the friends, its very difficult to say you cant be friends with them. Because then they do it behind your back. I found that a form of punishment worked with my son. Inviting his friends to our house over the weekend for braais etc, getting to know them also help. Also I believe strongly in boundaries. Curfews, where they allowed to go etc. My son is now in grade 9 and is changing his attitude every day. Still one or two issues but nothing major. Good Luck Also trust is a big issue.

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