Posted by: Karen | 2006/07/25

10 Years of Marriage down the drain

We have been married for 10 years. About a year 10 months ago my husband said he wanted a divorce. The next day he said he had changed his mind. We went for counselling and continued our relationship.

I thought things was going very well and that we are both happy, untill I caught him doing the one thing that put our marriage at risk in the first place. The one thing he had promised repeatedly to myself and the cousellor he would never do again. Everytime the promise is the same - a promise of this time it will be different because I really want to do this.

After this last round I said I needed time to think and sort out the fact that I've been lied to again. Maybe I should mention that I am a product of alcoholic parents, but I do not use alcohol myself.

My husband then repeatedly said that I can take all the time in the world as he does not want to lose me and that he understands why I need time. I then wrote a letter where I poured by heart out to him and then he turned around after reading the letter and said he wanted a divorce again. I repeatedly asked if he is sure that he wanted the divorce, because this time I'm not going to allow him to change his mind. Throughout the day he repeatedly said he wanted the divorce as he is doing it for me!

This morning he said he over reacted and that he did not want the divorce!! I'm confused and upset as I believe does want the divorce, but he does not have the guts to go trough with it.

Am I reading too much into this and how many times do you allow your husband to ask for a divorce the one day just to change his mind the next?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like he is confused and confusing ! Would a further bout of marriage counselling help, with a focus on his shifting decisons ? Focus on what will be best for YOU ; and remember that nothing is wasted if you can learn useful lessons from the experience

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2006/07/26

hi karen

he is confused as cs says but you don't need to be confused by him, take control of this situation, you decide what you want and you draw up the rules and game plan,
go back to the drawing board - what are you dreams? where do you want to be in 5 years time? what are your strenghts and weaknesses? what needs to chance for you to reach your dream? can you take responsibility for this change?

you didn't waste 10 years if you've leaned more about yourself and learned the lesson.... only you can know that. every experience is a learning opportunity and nothing is wasted
but yes sometimes we are at a crossroad and need to chose
normally reaching our dreams means stepping out of our comfort zones, not easy but they say " no pain no gain"

don't be a puppet on a string, don't make him the master of your destiny, don't expect him to make you happy, take responsibilty for your own happiness


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: southernwrite | 2006/07/26

Nothing is ever down the drain, wasted tec. - think of it as getting a degree in life and having learnt somthing that will be a major asset to you later on in life -

Reply to southernwrite
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/07/26

Karen, I'm sorry about all the difficulty you've been having. Perhaps the more important question is what YOU want and not so much what your husband wants???

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: anon | 2006/07/25

Would you consider your relationship irretrievable broken down. Have you lost trust in your husband. Has he been involved in affairs. Are you able to forgive him time and time again for whatever..... The question you have to ask him is Why he continuously asks for a divorce? What is going on in his life, when you throught things were going well.....that suddenly made him ask for a divorce. Perhaps he is hiding something from you? Does he feel guilty or something he has done? Does he still love you? I am sure you have worked through many issues during counselling and wonder whether you would be prepared to go the counselling route again with him or without him. I do suggest you need some counselling for yourself.

This must be very a rather insecure type of way or the other, if he is unsure, he needs to be SURE for once and for all. How mature is this man? Perhaps he is depressed/stressed/whatever and confused.

On the other hand 10 years is not as bad as being in a relationship for 20 or more years going through this time and again. Cut your losses and move on. You are still young and have the energy to do that.

Good Luck!

Reply to anon

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