"Do dead people watch you shower?" and "The Killer's guide to Iceland". Susan Erasmus thought these had to be the weirdest book titles ever, until she checked the list.
South Africa's answer to Amazon.com, Kalahari.com is having a sale of books at the moment. Five books for R125 – it's true. I have already bought ten books. And no, they are not paying me to write this, even though I am, as you know, always open to offers.
There was a set list of thousands at the beginning (it has now shrunk as they sold out). I spent the better part of the evening working through them and found some fabulous ones. But I also started making notes of titles that struck me as being seriously weird.
Here are some of them. Most of them set off the-crazy-person-in-the-room button in the back of my head. Others were just so astonishingly un-enticing. I cannot believe that these titles are for real, but they are.
I suppose it's not difficult to see why these are on sale:
Homebirth in the hospital – this had me reeling. Whatever next? Sweetie pie, either you're at home, or you're not. Deal with it. You can't have it both ways. Whatever next? Steak recipes for vegetarians?
Jack the ripper: an autobiography - (he's made his appearance then after 124 years and written a book , has he?)
Surviving a shark attack (on land)- I would rather take my chances with lions in the water, thank you.
Horse sense for the leader within– if they're reading this kind of book, they shouldn't be leaders in the first place.
Gaining: the truth about life after an eating disorder– this is really going to encourage anorexics and bulimics to change their eating habits immediately. Gaining weight is right up there on top of most people's wish list.
Reversing Dry Eyes Syndrome– this falls into the same category as How to deworm your pet: give it a tablet. I have summarised this book for you in 4 words: put in some eyedrops. What would you do without me?
The Risk of Infidelity Index. Either your partner is a cheater or he/she isn't. Why bother about studying sliding scales? Where is he while you're reading this book? There – I have saved you hours and hours of time and agony. Chuck the book and go and find him.
How to date a vampire– I have always wondered about the finer points of this.
75 worst ways to die– it might just be my lucky day and I have chosen number 76 that just didn't make this list. When you see someone reading this book, they're either a trivia fanatic or they're suffering from suicidal ideation. Either way, check the exits.
Colouring Book about Everyday Prayers. Pray by all means, but God probably can understand you without the crayons.
Do dead people watch you shower? I am not making this up. This is the only book of the lot I clicked on to see more as I realise this is a family site and kids could be reading this. Sit tight: it's about questions you've always wanted to ask a medium. Can I fire away with the other 500?
The woman who gave birth to rabbits. I really hope this is fiction.
He forgot to say goodbye. And then you wrote a WHOLE book about it. Maybe he was just so busy running away from you that he forgot his manners. I don't blame him at all.
Rumblefart and the beastly bottom. This is a children's book. I am afraid that the title is hardly open to alternative interpretation. Wonder what the illustrations in the book are like? Or more important, what they're of?
The Killer's Guide to Iceland. I hope this is not from the travel books section. Whatever you do, don't read this on the bus in Reykjavik.
Jackie Kennedy Onassis Paper Dolls. Huh?
100 ways a horse is better than a man. I am actually too scared to comment on this one at all.
The British Library World of Stamps Pocket Diary 2011. Guys, it's 2012. Even if you collect stamps as a hobby, on a certain level you simply have to move with the times.
Controlling Pilot Error. Surely this should have been part of your course if you're an air traffic controller, not something you buy on a book sale after the plane has crashed?
(Susan Erasmus, Health24.com, March 2012)