It's a time for giving. But some of these gifts will definitely be unwanted, says Susan Erasmus.
Let's first get an important bit out of the way before I turn into Cruella Deville. We've come through another year - well most of us – and there certainly have been good things about 2010. May I mention the SWC, the finding of Panjo, and my new kitchen?
Right, the kitchen is not of national importance, but it is important to me. And if I cannot abuse this space for personal reflection, things have come to a pretty pass indeed.
Did I mention the SWC? There is of course, also love and world peace (not in Iraq, Afghanistan, Zim, Somalia and the Koreas, but hey, you can't have it all) and so on.
Now that we have got all of that out of the way, let's take a look at some gifts and awards that would not be inappropriate.
Jackie Selebi: clothing voucher. Any man who can spend R57 000 on clothing one shopping expedition, and then misplace the receipt before giving it to the tax man, needs to be supported by big business. To all clothing companies: this is your dream customer and he needs your support now. Make your pledge in the comment box.
Steve Hofmeyr: his own talk show. Oops. He already has one. Then why was it necessary for him to try and steal the thunder at Eugene Terre'Blanche's funeral?
The Pope: a double whammy. One for a rather lame and half-hearted apology for the paedophilic behaviour of many priests. And then a belated session of slow clapping for finally giving the nod to condoms in the fight against HIV/Aids. I could make a few rude gift suggestions here, but I keep on thinking of what happened to Galileo Galilei.
Panjo: a whole cow. The picture in the newspapers of Panjo lying on the couch in his owner's TV lounge drinking his evening bottle of milk was a total highlight of the year. Ironically, a chancer had blamed him for taking out a few cows while he was on the run. Did anyone else see the irony in this? He looked tame enough to be rented out for children's parties.
FIFA: a pack of vuvuzelas. Thanks, guys, for helping to stage the best and noisiest SWC ever, and thanks for the R685m bonus I read about this morning. We all know you didn't do it for love and charity (not everyone loves Budweiser), but thanks anyway. We had a fantastic time.
The Dutch World Cup fans: a psychic octopus. Do these people know how to party, or what? What's more, they managed to find lots and lots of orange cars for their convoy that moved around the country. I wouldn't know where to start looking for an orange car. And your costumes were fantastic. That's what I call support. Next time find your own psychic octopus and you might just win.
Julius Malema: his own mine. No, no, not a landmine. If he were to become a mine owner himself, he might be a little less keen to partake in the nationalisation process. It's so difficult to choose a gift for someone who thinks he has it all. Does one find gift vouchers for the Dale Carnegie course? Just a thought.
Shrien Dewani: two weeks at a game lodge. Whether this man is implicated in his wife's murder, or not, the journalists of the world certainly owe him big time. He filled many a front page during a time when there weren't any earthquakes, major wars, massive scandals or other unnatural disasters. Many news editors owe him at least a nod for the festive season. And that story is so not over. Dewani himself is the gift that gives on giving to the worldwide press.
Helen Zille: two weeks out of cellphone range. Is there no end to this woman's energy? She makes everyone else in this country look so bad. Throw in a couple of solo meditations and a few aromatherapy sessions into the bargain. This must be the only person on earth who can truly be in two places at any given time – without showing the strain.
Glen Agliotti: freedom of the city. Well, there was a surprise: after an endless court case he walked free. I don't want to say anymore in case just one tenth of the witnesses were speaking the truth.
(Susan Erasmus, Health24, December 2010)