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Rebel or angel?
‘ANNE, please help your
brother get ready for
school. You’re going to
make us all late again,
William. If only you were as organised
as your sister!”
Does this sound familiar? Or what
about, “They can have Peter’s room. He
won’t mind – he’s my easy child. Aren’t
you, Peter?”
Do you have a golden boy or girl
in the family? Or a troublemaker?
A solitary soul or a carefree kid?
Experts say these are the four typical
roles children assume in a family. They
may even remain blueprints for their
personalities into adulthood.
By way of subtle pressure children
are forced to adhere to these roles
without parents or the rest of the
family realising it.
It suits us all to have a hero in the
family, someone to be proud of, or to
have a lovely little angel who can be
spoilt by all. But in a perverse way it
also suits us to have a black sheep or
scapegoat who can take the blame
on behalf of others.
While it’s true that children’s characters
are partly fi xed at birth many
personality traits develop later on.
This happens in everyday situations:
when they charge into the living room
to get the best seat in front of the
television, when they come home and
chat about their school day or while
they argue about who should do
which chore.
What’s interesting is these traits often
develop according to a pattern. It
could be related to where they fit into
the family (eldest, middle or youngest
child), whether they’re boys or girls
and how their parents interact with
them.
If children grow up regarding
themselves as the victim, the hero or
the black sheep it’s more than likely
that this is the way they’ll view themselves as adults. Guard against
pressuring your children into a role,
says Dr Munita Dunn, consulting
psychologist and senior lecturer at Huguenot
College in Wellington. It could
limit their potential and trouble their
relationships with brothers and sisters.
“Children practise for the future in
their family circle. They learn how to
get along with others and how to
deal with conflict. We don’t want to
pigeonhole our children but it’s only
human to do so from time to time,”
Dunn says.
Parents can prevent this by focusing
on children’s strengths rather than
their weaknesses and differences. Take
care not to stereotype your child as
“our shy one” or “my responsible big
boy” or “our little rascal”.
Psychologist Alette Aucamp has
worked in practices in several towns
and has come to the conclusion children
assume these roles according to
established patterns. “It’s unmistakable
but this doesn’t mean it applies to all
families. The roles assumed by children
aren’t cast in stone and don’t necessarily
create problems. Many other
factors also contribute to a child’s
development. But when problems
do occur it helps to be aware of the
various roles.”
The guru of play therapy in South
Africa, psychotherapist Reyhana
Seedat of Durban, has highlighted the
four most important roles children
can assume within the family. Typically
these are the family hero (or heroine),
the scapegoat or black sheep, the
loner and the family favourite or
mascot. An only child can take on
the characteristics of more than one
of these roles.
Parents who are aware of the roles
will be better equipped to deal with
problems. But, experts say, don’t think
you have to raise all your children in
exactly the same manner. Feel free
to love each child in a unique way.
See which roles have been
taken on by your children.
THE FAMILY HERO
• Confident
• Conscientious
• Organised
• Accommodating
• Persistent
• Driven
• Nurturing
• Controlling
Do you have a child who is obviously the
high achiever in the family – who plays
in the fi rst team, takes the lead in the school
play and is bound to be chosen as prefect or
even head boy or girl? Family heroes thrive
on giving people what they want and work
well towards rewards. They’re used to attracting
positive attention and will do everything
in their power to make sure they get it – not
only from their parents but also from uncles,
aunts, grandparents and other adults.
It’s usually but not always the eldest child
who assumes this role. Do you remember
as a parent looking at your newborn and
wishing to be the best parent in the world,
to give your child an abundance of attention
and be as responsible and perfect as
you can?
Firstborns often grow up with these
perfectionist tendencies and strive for approval
and success, also in the adult world.
They can set unrealistic goals for themselves
and usually don’t deal well with criticism or
failure.
Some family heroes grow up wanting
to please people and take care of others;
others may be driven and ruthless.
“When a problem arises it’s often because
these children feel obliged to correct family
problems,” Aucamp says. “Family heroes
maintain the family balance by seeking and
providing outward proof that the family
is okay. They often keep bad feelings to
themselves and will not talk about mom’s
depression or dad’s drinking or their own unhappiness to anyone."
Tips for parenting
the family hero:
These children put a lot of
pressure on themselves which
inevitably leads to feelings of
inadequacy, especially if the
parents are ambitious. The
children will be fi nely attuned
to your expectations. Be aware
of what your words, voice tone
and body language communicate
to them. Watch out for the
question, “And how did the
others do?”
Children gain self-esteem by
completing small tasks then
building up to bigger ones.
The family hero will want to
achieve goals that will please
you as a parent and will assume
you want more than
you do. Set goals that are
truly the child’s own and
are realistic.
The eldest child, especially
when there are a few younger
ones in the house, may feel he
needs to grow up faster and be
more responsible. Be careful not
to put more responsibilities on
your child than he can handle. If
he’s constantly held up as a role
model for younger children he
could feel pressured.
THE
BLACK SHEEP
The black sheep in
your family is probably
• Competitive
• Rebellious
• Manipulative
• Belligerent
• Sensitive
• Adaptive
• Loyal
• Social
Do you have a child who’s always
in trouble? It may be because
he feels he can’t compete with the
hero of the family.
Black sheep often feel they’ll
never be as good as the family hero
and suff er from inner feelings of anger,
rejection, loneliness, hurt and
guilt. They know their behaviour is
undesirable but feel powerless to
change it. These children may become
violent with siblings and may
withdraw from the family at times.
Their behaviour is frequently
contradictory but there seems to
be one common thread: they’re
mostly second or middle children
and their personalities are usually
the opposite of the fi rstborn’s.
They’re often unsure of their
place and identity in the family
and may have low self-esteem. By
seeking negative attention and
acting the scapegoat they may
develop traits that irritate those
around them. This in turn elicits
further negative response.
It’s common for them to feel
squeezed out, with older and younger
siblings getting more attention,
so they turn to the world outside
the family. Yet these children are
often also generous and freespirited.
They may be very sociable
and good at negotiating.
Tips for
parenting
the black
sheep:
Make sure this child feels included
and has a special relationship with
each parent.
Look for another adult, such as
a granny, aunt or uncle, who
can also form a special bond
with the child.
Praise and affirm as often as
possible. This is important for
all children but especially for
a middle child.
Be aware that your child may
act this way to take the focus
off confl ict or problems in the
family. Can the reason for
your child’s rebelliousness
be traced back to larger
problems?
Put a lot of effort into fi nding
the child’s unique interest or
talent and help him develop it.
THE LONER
The loner in the family is
• Unassertive
• Withdrawn
• Solitary
• Passive
Loners are used to looking after their
own needs and maintain the family
balance by making no demands and
being “good”.
Also arriving in “the middle of the
plot”, when parents are less focused
on parenting individual children,
the loner gets by in the world by
not ruffling any feathers.
Aucamp says it takes a long time
for these children to open up and talk
about their feelings
because they believe
it’s their silence and
passivity that will keep
them safe.
“Yet when they do
open up you’re often struck by the
confusion of their feelings. They see
themselves as different, even invisible.
They feel like a stranger in their own
family and think they’re of little consequence
in the world.”
Loners stay out of everyone’s way,
have few friends and often live in a
fantasy world, preferring their own
company, television, books or computers
to more social activities.
Tips for parenting the loner:
Take extra time to talk and listen
to these children. As with all
children, but especially with
loners, empathise and don’t
assume you know how they feel.
They have to know that you
listen to and understand what
they say.
Be aware that these children
may expect little from
themselves because the
family expects so little from
them. Surprise yourself and
them – give them new responsibilities
and rewards.
Affirm and develop this
child’s unique gifts to
the family.
Make sure loners are
informed about issues,
choices and decisions
affecting the family.
Ask their opinion. It may
not be forthcoming in
the beginning but persist.
It’s important for
siblings to hear and see
you as a parent regarding
this child’s voice
as important.
THE MASCOT
This child may be
• Outgoing
• Creative
• Charming
• Loving
• A clown
• Temperamental
• Manipulative
More often than not, the mascot is the youngest.
By now parents often let the child’s development
proceed with more of a hands-off approach
and are happy to involve older siblings in the
process. This means the mascots get an abundance
of attention. They soon realise it is their “littleness”
or “cuteness” that elicits all this attention and they
continue to act out the role of the baby. As a result
they may see themselves as fragile and needing protection.
They may feel everyone is more competent
than them and expect others to do things for them.
Mascots are known for their sense of humour
and will clown about to relieve tension and take
the spotlight off a family crisis. Their position in
the family can make them the butt of family jokes.
They’re often accused of being spoilt; the ones who
get everything the other siblings never had. They’re
often allowed to be more demanding and irresponsible
than older siblings.
Tips for parenting the mascot:
Don’t fall into the trap of doing everything for
them. They need to be taught to be self-sufficient.
Be aware that you as a parent may have
a need to think of your last child as “your
baby” because it signals the end of a certain
stage of life – but your need may be limiting
your child.
This story originally appeared in the first edition of Pulse magazine. Buy the latest copy, on newsstand now, for more fascinating stories in the world of health and wellness.
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