The Idols stage is where delusion meets reality. And this is where the contestants meet CyberShrink. Which is more scary?
There are thousands of people turning up each time for auditions. They must be a mere fraction of all those who thought it might be a good idea and never got around to it. But even though many of them can't sing as well as my cat can, most of them are really nice young people. And in watching many of them face disappointment, we get to meet some pretty impressive kids from so many different communities.
Advertisement
And, let’s face it, disappointment is what most of the entrants get. Some pout, some cry, some take advice, and some turn nasty. Pressure can indeed be an ugly thing.
Then there are those whose idea of their own abilities is sufficiently exaggerated to border on the delusional. If you don’t look the part, don’t sound the part and have the on-stage personality of a bedbug, why do this to yourself? And don’t you have friends and family who can lock you up on the day of the auditions?
There has to be a moment of silence for the boy from Johannesburg who didn’t make it there, and then flew down for the Cape Town auditions. Same voice, same looks, same judges – how could the outcome be different?
Cloning a singer It's amazing how many different ways the entrants find to be awful. And how many of the better singers sound like clones of currently popular singers, rather than being themselves. The judges, this time round, seem to be looking not only for a voice, but for personality, sizzle, and some individualism.
The clone singers don’t seem to realise that to sound like a bad imitation of 50 cent (a sort of 35 cent) or whoever, is pointless, and the gap only makes their shortcomings all the more obvious. And if they managed to do a rather good imitation it would be equally worthless - if we already have a Gwen Stefani, why would we need another one?
The murderers of talent
And above all there are the awful habits they slavishly imitate, such as those of some of the mainstream American soul singers. So many kids who might otherwise sing well in their own way, adopt one of the awful sterile styles that have been clogging up the development of pop music for the longest stagnant period in the history of popular music.
Baroque ‘n roll
There's the desperate wannabe diva style, which I call the Melismaniacs. Melisma is a valid technique if used occasionally (very occasionally) in which a singer spreads a word or syllable across two or more notes: "Sta-ha-ha-ha-ha-hand by me!" This has now become one of the most irritating possible habits in music, with singers wobbling and swerving, needlessly embroidering every note and word, till words get smeared over so many notes one loses track of both the melody and the words. It reminds one of the excessive decoration in some Baroque churches, in which every decoration is still decorated even further, till every wall seems to be crawling with figures and curlicues.
Then there's the method of inappropriate belting, in which every song is yelled out at maximum volume, with no variation in intensity, and no regard for the supposed meaning of the words. "Whisper your love to me!" screams one. And there was the quiet-looking guy who said he'd sing "Killing me softly", then opened up with ear-splitting yells.
There's the trap of excessive vibrato, separate from the melismanics, in which every note gets trilled, like a jagged saw-edge, restless and unsettling.
And then there's the penalty of Rap, in which kids think that speaking in some sort of rhythm, and making odd mouth-noises constitutes singing. It doesn't.
Pop in a rut
My main beef is that pop music has been stuck in a deep rut for decades now. It's over 30 years since I heard rappers (and watched break-dancers) on the American sidewalks - and these forms still dominate. The melismating divas have been at it for decades, too. Why? If you look at the history of popular music and jazz through the last century or more, it was constantly changing, evolving, developing, with contrasting and audibly different styles emerging every year or so. Never in any period, even of classical music in the preceding centuries, can I recall such a long era of stagnation, with so little innovation. Maybe in the early Middle Ages, when forms changed a bit more slowly.
Memorable moments
There was the one cute boy who sang passably well, but he had this remarkable hairstyle. His black hair was carefully combed with hair-goo into multiple crests and peaks, making him look like a large black dahlia; or a chandelier. It was mesmerising, so much so that one forgot to pay enough attention to his singing. That could be a good tactic.
There was a girl who had adopted a horrid bad habit of a sort of groan at the start of every word, a sort of growl. She sounded like nothing so much as an extremely constipated person straining at stool. And when the judges criticised this and did not choose her, she was furious and in tears, saying she had been told by someone in the music business that this made her unique.
Clearly, in addition to the awful example of the bad popular singers, there are also some terrible singing teachers out there, giving awfully bad advice to kids, and ruining their natural singing abilities, and getting paid to ruin a voice.
Judging the judges
The series would be even more valuable if they had another judge in addition to Mara, with some actual experience in singing and frank expertise in music itself. This person could comment specifically on what is so wrong with the lousy singing we hear, both to educate the audiences, and to give the unfortunate kids a chance to get more positively useful and usable feedback. The others speak as DJs and music industry executives, knowledgeable about what will sell, but not about what's wrong with what they don't like.
Despite the generally kindly comments on judge Dave's "new look", I don't think the beard helps much. He looks much older, and so tired. And his comments during the auditions are also often stale, weary and mono-syllabic. He keeps saying that he can't find the words to describe why he's saying no. He's really not at all effective as a judge at present. Is he depressed? He was never exactly a joyous man, but not as dull and mumbling as this.
On the whole, the judges are tolerant, often witty, and surprisingly merciful, when confronted by so many appalling performances. So few needles, so much haystack. They're often criticised for being unkind. But is it really unkind to firmly disabuse a deluded kid who, though utterly devoid of talent, is convinced that they can become a star? It stops them from wasting time on an impossible goal.
Beware! Song-writer approaching
It's also very clear that there is terrifyingly little song-writing talent in the country. It is, as the judges kept remarking, an inescapable rule, that everyone who announces proudly that they will sing a song of their own composition, cannot compose, cannot write music or lyrics, and cannot sing.
One pleasant but misguided little guy (he with the severe flu) arrived not only to sing badly something he had composed badly, but accompanied by an odd little geeky bloke with a little video-cam glued to one eye, who was said to be making a documentary about this singer. As he left, the lad with the limited voice offered his business card to the judges and mentioned his Facebook web-page. When one has so very little worth advertising, it'd be wise to hold off on the advertising.
Then, too, there are some auditioners who are surely merely trying to be funny, and can surely not expect to be taken seriously. Though it can be hard to distinguish these from the frankly deluded. All those daft kids insisting that "I'm gonna be famous!" Wouldn't it be marvellous if, instead, they wanted to be valuable?
Quotes :
Randall : "I don't do hugs".
(Professor M. A. Simpson, 2007, aka CyberShrink, August 2007)
Bookmark with:
What are social bookmarks?