You watch Survivor religiously and you either hate the contestants or you love them.
They seem to fall into a couple of categories: slave, hunk, bikini babe, whiner, token senior citizen, weirdo, prince, scary lady, mommy.
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In fact, you are sure there are one or two of these to whom you would have done bodily harm had you been cooped up with them. And one or two you would not have minded snuggling up to.
But one thing that is certain is that it does not look as if any of them have watched previous series – the location may be different, but the mistakes are still the same. People get voted out for the same things every single time. And they don't seem to learn.
Here follow ten ways to make sure you get voted out as soon as possible:
Be lazy. Lie around in the sun, working on your tan, while others are slaving away in the sun getting food, building a shelter or collecting wood. Better still, pretend that you do your share, while everyone knows it's not true. And, most importantly, make little effort at the challenges, pretending you're too weak or too tired.
Play the victim. This works for a while, until the tribes merge. These victims use anything, such as race, sexual orientation, their hard life or whatever they can think of, to get people to feel sorry for them and hence not vote them out. But guilt is a short-term thing. It starts to grate after a while.
Boss everyone around. This will get you out within an episode or three. Bark at everyone as if you're an army sergeant, and your name will appear on pieces of paper at the next tribal council. Guaranteed. Also, if you try and pull rank, because you're a lawyer, have lots of money and are used to bossing people around, your head's sure to be on the chopping block next time.
Exaggerate injuries. Some injuries may be genuine, but if you have an infected mosquito bite or a small scratch, learn to live with it and keep your mouth shut. If people think you are injured, they might think you will let them down in the challenges. So don't complain unless it's really serious.
Don't keep a low profile. It's simple – those who keep a low profile, stay in the game longer. The contestants who don't get themselves noticed by the viewers or by the other contestants, stay in the longest. Disappear in the background, and no one will even think of you when voting time comes around, because the can't remember your name.
Be a stirrer. Machiavellian tricks seems to work for a few episodes, but they come to bite you in the backside eventually. People who scheme and who pit contestants against each another, often manage to get to the last three or four contestants, but they don't manage to win. They just can't get through the jury session, because by that time everyone has seen through them and has had several weeks to unravel the strategy they've been using to try and get ahead. Nothing unites like a common enemy.
Become part of a couple. Only one person who did this, has ever won. People feel threatened by this apparently unbreakable alliance, and have always tried to break up couples as soon as possible. And no one likes listening to others smooching in the dark while they are so far from their loved ones.
Make impossible promises. These often include things like "Stick with me, and you'll be in the last three", or "I'll never vote for you, whatever happens." Invariably, "whatever" happens and you're facing a jury member hissing with fury. Not good.
Blame others for your mistakes. If you've done something that has disadvantaged the tribe in some way, or made you lose a challenge, don't make excuses, or try to blame someone else. Admit it was your fault, and hope you don't get voted out. That's all you can do.
Rely purely on your looks. Most contestants on Survivor do get chosen for their looks. But using them to get out of tasks, or currying favour with others, will not work for ever. The guy with the biggest muscles and the girl with the biggest boobs, tend to lose out to the skinny guy who catches all the fish and the wiry 45-year-old woman who helps the team win challenges.
Whine incessantly. No matter how good-looking or strong you are, whine all the time and you're out. Everyone's cold, hungry, miserable, far away from home and no one needs any reminding of these things. Misery doesn't love company when you're not feeling like a happy camper yourself.
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