It cannot be stressed enough that everyone has the right to privacy. A
person's transgender status should always be treated with the same high
level of confidentiality as any other sensitive personal information.
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Some people may be happy to have certain people know they are
transgender, but not others, so even if they appear open about their
transgender status & leave it up to the transgender person to decide who
they wish to tell.
Revealing someone is transgender ("outing" them) not
only violates their right to privacy, it also places them at risk of discrimination
and harassment. It can sometimes even place them at risk of physical or
sexual assault.
Inappropriate questions
Inappropriate questioning is anything that is of a higher level of intimacy
than questions you would ask a person who is not transgender. For example,
it would be unthinkable to ask a man you didn’t know very well about the
size and shape of his penis, or ask a woman you only knew a little whether
or not she wore a wig or a padded bra, so it is also completely inappropriate
to quiz transgender people in this way.
Don’t let any natural curiosity about
transgender people override your usual politeness and sensitivity.
Each transgender person is not obliged to be a public spokesperson for
the whole transgender community, so don’t expect them to want to talk
about the subject anywhere at anytime.
If you have questions you want to
ask, which you think are appropriate, phrase them politely and carefully
choose a suitable time.
If the person says they would rather not discuss
something then don’t pressurise them or else they will just end up unwilling
to talk to you about anything.
Using pronouns
If you know someone who wishes to change the pronoun they are referred
to by (she to he, or vice versa) try to understand it is important to them that
you respect this, even if you initially find it difficult to consider them that
gender. Deliberately using the opposite pronoun to the one a person prefers
will be experienced as offensive, judgemental and hurtful.
If you are speaking briefly with someone and you are unsure whether the
person would wish to be addressed as he and sir or she and ma’am, then
it is usually best just to avoid saying either than to risk insulting them by
guessing wrong.
When the interaction is long enough, ask the person their name to try to
determine which pronoun to use. If it is not clear whether their name is a
male or female name then it is acceptable to politely ask: ‘excuse me, but
which pronoun do you prefer?’ or ‘excuse me, but how do you prefer to be
addressed?’
If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, just apologise once and continue
with the conversation. You don’t need to apologise profusely or try to explain
why it happened - this often only causes more awkwardness.
When referring to a transgender person in their absence, you should still use
their preferred pronoun, not only out of respect for their identity, but also
because it will help to prevent confusion, uncertainty and embarrassment
for everyone.
Occasionally the situation can be a little more complex: A transgender person
may prefer one pronoun and name in some situations, and a different name
and pronoun in others. In such cases it is still very important to try and get
it right. If you are ever unsure, ask them again & don’t just guess. It is also
important not to link the names together as that could lead to them being
outed.
When writing about a transgender person, do not belittle their identity by
putting their preferred name or pronoun in quotes or italics as this suggests
their identity is less valid then everyone else’s.
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