The trouble with condoms is that they aren’t the most glamorous of things, and they can take some of the romance out of sex. It can be quite a vibe kill when the unspoken transition from heavy petting to headboard pounding is interrupted by five minutes of rummaging through drawers and grappling with some presumably lively male genitalia. After the deed’s been done, disposing of the used item can bring a swift end to any post-coital satisfaction if not handled smartly.
To help you lads and ladies out, here are some top tips for keeping the tip topped.
1. Always, always be prepared. Men AND women should always have a stash somewhere near the bed so that if you do decide to go all the way, you don’t run the risk of blowing the chance due to a lack of protection. Plus, knowing where they are will minimise the time in between “activities.” If you’re going out, rather be safe than sorry and pop one in your wallet or purse. And remember, if the lady wants a condom, and you don’t have one “I won’t come inside” is not a valid response.
2. Find a good fit. Penises vary greatly in size and shape, from the infamous “Chode” (a short, fat penis that’s wider than it is long) to the mighty pork swords wielded by male porn stars. Try a few different brands of rubber until you find one that fits comfortably without being too loose. When you find a brand you like, don’t be afraid to try some of their wilder products like ribbed, flavoured and even glow in the dark. Guys, as much as you want to look impressive buying XXL condoms, nothing looks more ridiculous than an undersized penis rattling around in an ill-fitting condom that will slip off at the slightest hint of intercourse.
3. Back it up slowly. Once you’ve made your “deposit”, be wary when pulling out. A deflating penis and soggy condom can result in some unwanted spillage which negates the entire point of wearing a condom in the first place.
4. Refresh when necessary. Going through a dry patch? Remember that condoms, just like that tin of soup at the back of your cupboard, have expiry dates and once that date has passed you really don’t want to open them, just like the soup. Expired condoms are more likely to break which, again, makes them completely pointless.
5. Don’t flush it. There’s literally nothing more embarrassing than watching a burly plumber pull a veritable boulder of used plastic out of your clogged toilet. Wrap it in toilet paper and put it in the trash, trust us.
As they say, love is cleaner with a packaged weiner.
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