The wit and wisdom of soccer

When they're not being dour and gloomy, many football managers have become known for their daft statements. No one is quite sure where the wit starts and the foolishness stops.

Here are some of the classic gems:

• For instance, the legendary Sir Bobby Robson, who has contributed quite a few. In the 1990 World Cup, he said of Cameroon:"We didn’t underestimate them, but they were a lot better than we thought".
• Among his other gems: "The first 90 minutes are the most important." (and, compared to the second 90 minutes, of course they are)".
• and " I would have given my right arm to be a pianist."
• Then there was: "If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket."
• Also: "Steve Hodge has been unfit for two weeks, well, no, for 14 days."
• "He’s got his legs back, of course, or his leg – he’s always had one, but now he’s got two."
• Bill Shankley is on record as saying: "Some people think football is a matter of life and death – but I assure you, it’s much more serious than that".
• Kevin Keegan contributed: "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they’re not careful."
• It was presumably also Keegan who said: "Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then".
• He's also on record as saying: "Chile have three options. They could win or they could lose."
• "The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23", was another of his famous quips.
• Then there's the immortal if callous remark of the manager who was told one of his players was concussed and didn't know who he was: "Just tell him he's Pele and get him back on the field."

But managers are not the only ones to make memorable remarks. Players can do it, too.

• Ronaldo is supposed to have said: "We lost because we didn't win."
• David Beckham is quoted as claiming that "My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7".
• Another of his gems was: "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." 

Players and teams with odd names

And if their utterances are no amusing enough, there seem to be an increasing number of players with names that require a real effort for one to avoid making fun with them. In Peru, there's a team called Deportivo Wanka. Named after the local Wankas, former inhabitants of the area, of course. The team remains puzzled as to why the Brits find them hilarious, and why their team shirts have become cult collectors items. A Tongan team is The Puke Turtles, which sounds more descriptive of most European football fans.

As for players, there are some with names entirely innocent at home, but with dodgy meanings in English or other languages, such as Danny Shittu, and Uri Shitrit, Rod Fanni, Roberto Ufarte, Luciano Crapper, and Mr Kaka. There are special experts who will investigate any potential trade names which may inadvertently have obscene meanings in other countries. There was a French soft drink, maybe partly imitating Schweppes, with a name I wouldn't dare to print here. Maybe now it'll be renamed "Domenech"?

Australia has a goalie called Norman Conquest, there's a Seychelles star Johnny Moustache, and a Congolese striker Bongo Christ. Then there are also Christian Sinner, Norbert Whooer, Eggbert Barwinkle, Frank Awanka of Luxembourg, Martin Booty, Lionel Prat, and others. Wagner and Mozart have played for Germany.

There's a Japanese player named "Suzuki Honda." I wonder if there's an English player called Aston Landrover, or an American called Chrysler Ford?

More pleasantly, there was a Zambian player, Laughter Chilembe, and a Zimbabwean player Have-A-Look Dube. Then there's Danger Fourpence, and the delightful Stephen Sunny Sunday. A Brazilian player whose parents loved an American rock group, is Creedence Clearwater Couto. Former English players include Harry Daft and Segar Bastard (who later became a referee). And what of Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway, who was named after a winning Queens Park Rangers team of the 1970s? Some parents really do deserve to be punished.

(Professor M.A. Simpson, aka CyberShrink, June 2010)

SWC: Special Report