How is it possible not to feel deeply depressed about her own CV after reading that of Elon Musk, asks Susan Erasmus.

The truly awful and peculiar range of 'gifts' a weekend paper advertised for Mother's Day last week left Susan Erasmus temporarily speechless.

Most evenings I drink a glass or two of red wine. But clearly I am not where the party is. It's at seven in the mornings and I am not invited, complains Susan Erasmus.

If you're tired of being a nobody, here are 10 ways you too can hit the SA newspapers and have your fifteen minutes of fame, says Susan Erasmus.

If having your leadership expelled from the mothership for bad behaviour is not a crisis, what on earth would qualify as one, asks Susan Erasmus.

If I take a look at the risks criminals and scammers take every day, it really does seem like less trouble to do a job, any job, says Susan Erasmus.

Julius Malema's apology doesn't strike me as being very heartfelt, but his conduct could serve as a basis for a course called Getting Fired 101, says Susan Erasmus.

One day I was deeply troubled by all the evil in the world, so I decided on the spur of the moment to adopt a donkey, writes Susan Erasmus. You have to start somewhere.

I have a man in my life called Mr Jakabula. We have never met, but we know a surprising amount about each others' lives, says Susan Erasmus.

Over R3bn on a few police stations? And the top management can't explain. The buck doesn't seem to stop anywhere, but the bucks sure do, says Susan Erasmus.

What happened to Susan Erasmus on Wednesday afternoon left her temporarily speechless. But now her voice is back.

"Do dead people watch you shower?" and "The Killer's guide to Iceland". Susan Erasmus thought these had to be the weirdest book titles ever, until she checked the list.

Let's face it: if I were a dominee and in dire need of a sex aid, I would also steal it, rather than paying for it in full public view, says Susan Erasmus.

I know I am biased. But I really just love this city, in which I have lived for most of my life. Here are 10 reasons why the last week made me feel this way.

What's worse than a bullet in the brain? Being driven over by a truck, says Susan Erasmus. And you thought you were having a crappy day.

If I insisted the earth was flat, would you think I was crazy? You shouldn't. All the photos from outer space have clearly been doctored, says Susan Erasmus.

I get lost in Cape Town as it is. I have just got to know the street names after living here for decades – now they're changing, whines a distraught Susan Erasmus.

These are the weirdest and most pointless studies Susan Erasmus has come across in the last few years. And they're up against stiff competition.

We are being terrorised by a marketing drive that is little short of criminal. It's time we did something about it, says Susan Erasmus.

Everyone needs to dream, but at what point does it become a total nightmare, asks Susan Erasmus?

If legislators have their way, between us we are going to pay R2b more for our medicines in 2011. The solution? Just don't get sick, says Susan Erasmus.

There are few things that would drive me to violence, but the following 10 signage errors would bring me close to it, says Susan Erasmus.

We’re losing our most powerful weapon against the new killer lurking among us, says Susan Erasmus.

Running a country is clearly no easy job. But sometimes we need to get back to the real basics, says Susan Erasmus.

Many women would rather dump a new-born baby than consider having an abortion while they still can. How weird is that, asks Susan Erasmus.

I am living in the midst of building chaos. On Friday I rinsed with Coca-Cola after brushing my teeth in the garden. And I have discovered the joys of solitary drinking.

It's a time for giving. But some of these gifts will definitely be unwanted, says Susan Erasmus.

Susan Erasmus is absolutely delighted to be back at work. It's not because of being so conscientious, it's because there's air con.

Susan Erasmus did not buy a Power Balance bracelet, but she has lots of sympathy with people who did.

There are simply too many people on this earth. Why does no one want to say or do anything about it, asks Susan Erasmus.

One of the most scary messages in one's inbox is the line "Giepie de Lange (or whoever) wants to be friends on Facebook", says Susan Erasmus.

Susan Erasmus doesn't think Checkers in Bloubergstrand has the right to tell their workers to get rid of their passion gaps.

Susan Erasmus is very amused at statements that the ANC Youth Festival helped to foment rebellion in Egypt. It's time for such a reality check .

Forget therapy. It's much cheaper to classify your personality by how you use open comment boxes on the internet, says Susan Erasmus.

When 120 wedding guests take this in their stride, you know that South Africans are not only used to contrasts, we're addicted to them, says Susan Erasmus.

It's a terrifying thought: a huge wall of water approaches and there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. What on earth would you do, asks Susan Erasmus.

My inbox has been flooded with dire predictions of the end of the world. Is it time for the sackcloth and ashes, or is it time to party, asks Susan Erasmus.

I sometimes think emigrating must be a bit like having a sex change – you instantly become a person without a past, says Susan Erasmus.

Obsession has absolutely nothing to do with love, but everything to do with the twilight zone, says Susan Erasmus. Do we specialise in this in SA?

Spotting a runaway lion from her veranda was how election day started for Susan Erasmus. And it got even weirder as the day continued.

Susan Erasmus quite liked the Health Minister until he said that her point of view on the NHI reflected 'self-interest and greed that would shame the Devil'.

Susan Erasmus did not win R102m in the Lottery this week. Promise. But if she did, she probably wouldn't tell you. Or anyone, for that matter.

Estate agent speak is a whole separate language, designed to baffle and mislead. Susan Erasmus has put together a guide for first-time home buyers. Go nowhere without this.

Call me a socialist, but I do not think there is anyone on this earth, ever, who is worth R316000 per day on an ongoing basis, says Susan Erasmus. Come on, guys.

Susan Erasmus doesn't want to live to the age of 150, even if it kills her.

I have just survived without electricity for six days. I've been off the grid in my own home, but it has been an oddly exhilarating experience, says Susan Erasmus.

I'm special. That's why I would like to think that no rules apply to me, says Susan Erasmus. But what if everyone thinks that?

In my next life I want to be a hooligan, says Susan Erasmus. This law-abiding life just isn't working for me.

I know I spend too much on medical insurance, but I'm terrified to rely on the state for my medical care, says Susan Erasmus.

You don't need oodles of cash to make you happy. These 10 things all cost less than R100 each. Susan Erasmus can't imagine her life without them.

While they were supposed to guard a prisoner, a prison official and a policewoman were filmed having sex.

A couple of hikers who were attacked by a bear have been blamed for the attack because they ran away and screamed. So what on earth else can you do, asks Susan Erasmus.

Many of us have a love-hate relationship with our medical schemes. We love the peace of mind it buys and we hate what it costs us, says Susan Erasmus.

Julius Malema has been admitted to hospital with flu-like symptoms. Susan Erasmus trusts it's nothing trivial.

The first episode of Come Dine with Me SA had Susan Erasmus in fits of laughter.

Same headline, different year? Some headlines just never die. They are like relatives at Christmas: they are sure to come round again, says Susan Erasmus.

If you had a quickie with Justin Bieber backstage, wouldn't you keep quiet about it? Shame, people seem to have lost all sense of shame, says Susan Erasmus.

I need Julius Malema in my life, says Susan Erasmus. But it appears that this too is to be taken away.

The twenty-first century is not for sissies. We have to cope with the condensed disasters of the whole planet every day. Susan Erasmus wants out.

If you have managed to save money in the last year, you either have no kids, no life, rich parents, or a hand in the cookie jar, says Susan Erasmus.

Has Jackie Selebi just joined the let's-fake-illness-to-get-out-of-prison brigade? Susan Erasmus certainly thinks he's eligible for membership.

Would doing bodily harm to clients or colleagues relieve your frustration? Susan Erasmus thinks that by this time of the year it might just.

Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving. Don't be stingy, says Susan Erasmus. Here's how to make others feel guilty.

If you're a paedophile, into S&M, a flasher or a kleptomaniac, Greece is clearly the place you want to be.

There seems to be some sort of grim logic to the tweet of the Reverend Kemo Waters, says Susan Erasmus.

The Modimolle monster, disasters, shoddy ships' captains: we've heard similar stories a 100 times, yet we're still surprised every time. It's touching, says Susan Erasmus.

A new video from Die Antwoord I fink you're freeky, features Ninja and Yolandi Vi$$er's seven-year-old daughter called Sixteen. What the *%&^ asks Susan Erasmus.

Why do so many stars die so horribly? Is real talent a double-edged sword that both blesses and curses, asks Susan Erasmus.

Whatever it is you want, I know of a guy who can make it all happen for a hundred bucks, says Susan Erasmus.

The sight of the first Christmas decorations makes me go into hiding. Even if they appear in September. Especially if they appear in September.

Last week a spider bite made my face swell up. I looked like the Elephant Man. So is complete withdrawal from society the only solution?

It’s the one reason I continue to buy lottery tickets – so I never have to have neighbours again. Not ones I can hear or see, anyway.

Three strangers phoned me yesterday. They wanted to lend me vast sums of money. Overdraft, personal loan and credit card. Should I feel rich, or what?

It’s very hard to be an heiress when you get chucked into chookie, and no-one feels sorry for you because, well, they’re saying you must be doing psychotropic drugs.

It has taken me many years to perfect the art of being a wimp. It has not come naturally and has taken a fair amount of work. That's because I'm actually a reformed volcano.

Ugly curtains put me off. Call me shallow, by all means. But I judge a book by its cover – especially in guest houses, doctors’ waiting rooms and lawyers’ offices.

Free gifts, miracle weight loss products and stores where shoppers do themselves a favour by shopping there - if you believe that, you'll believe anything.

Imagine a chef who was as thin as beanpole, a DJ aged 75, or a union leader of 18. Something just doesn’t fit. Or are we just prejudiced?

Public hangings were part of everyday life in Victorian England. In some countries they still are. Just ask the Hussein family.

The world is overpopulated – and how I would like to deal with it, is to give up all the people ahead of me in the queue for medical experiments. Starting now.

What do dieters and recently converted fanatics have in common? They don’t get invited to dinner parties anymore. Not mine anyway.

Poor Paris Hilton. Dehydration, claustrophobia, hyperventilation – that’s the nasty little trio of medical ailments which got her out of jail after just three days.

A broken glass, broken bottles and glass shards in restaurant food. This day has an edge to it.

Who needs reality TV if you've got Eskom? With one fell swoop we're all back in the Middle Ages.

The way to riches for any gym owner is paved with the good intentions of others. Buy why does not going make you feel so guilty? And why don't you just cancel your membership?