Ilse Pauw is a holder of the Carter fellowship for mental health journalism from the Carter Center in Atlanta. This is part of her series of articles.
Sam (35) remembers the day her addiction started. While travelling on a school bus at the age of 13, she got horribly drunk on cough mixture and alcohol. Little did she know that this would be the start of a 20-year downward spiral of abuse and self-destruction.
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She continued to drink episodically during her school years. By the age of 16 she was also smoking cigarettes and marijuana and taking speed.
For Sam, drugging was not so much about seeking pleasure as it was about escaping her unhappy family life. Her father was an alcoholic who abused Sam and her brother physically during his drunken rages.
"I don't think anyone believes the severity of the pain I felt due to the abuse. Drugs and alcohol helped me to numb that pain," says Sam. "My brother and I responded differently. He withdrew. I, on the other hand, provoked my father. I was the one who deserved the beatings because I acted out. It became a vicious cycle: I would rebel and then suffer the consequences, I would hate my parents and myself even further, and this would trigger more destructive behaviour in myself."
When she was 14, her father witnessed her first kiss. "He was furious. He called me a whore (amongst other things) and then wouldn't speak to me for a week. This fed into the addictive side of me, into the lower self-worth: being cheap and loose and nasty and revolting."
Her mother never intervened. Sam experienced her as distant, cold, detached and over-controlling.
"She was very scared of losing control. She controlled everything - us, her feelings, the household. She was compulsive about neatness and wouldn't express her core emotions. It was probably a reaction to her mother's addiction to tablets and to my father who was often way out of control.
"We were never allowed to take any medication. No matter how sick we were, we were not easily taken to the doctor and still had to go to school. I remember feeling confused and very resentful about that. I always felt she didn't love me and that she had no compassion."
Struggle with life
"I was in an emotional rage and wrapped up in a wild struggle with life, my family and myself. I had unleashed a little addict within me without realising what was happening and without any coping skills to deal with it. But I do remember feeling out of control and knowing something wasn't 'normal'; I just didn't know what it was or how to deal with myself."
When she was 16, Sam told her mother how she felt and asked to be taken to a psychologist. Her mother refused, saying that something had to be really wrong to warrant such a visit. She also said that she was worried about what others might think and said that a family of their social standing did not need psychiatric help.
Soon after this discussion, Sam started smoking marijuana. She felt that this calmed her and seemed to be a solution to all her problems.
At school, she became one of the "bad girls" and was the risk-taker in this group. Her grades dropped, she often missed school, and lied to her parents and teachers about her whereabouts and her substance use.
"I felt proud that I could get away with things, even taking wine to school. I attended a catholic school run by old nuns who never noticed that I got drunk. I managed to fly under the radar and did just well enough to pass.
"That is where the real manipulation in the addict's personality starts weaving its way inside your life. You start pushing more and more boundaries, you learn how to wheel and deal."
Drug bouquet
Sam moved out of home after matric and had even greater freedom to go partying and stay out late. During this time, she was involved in several relationships and experimented with LSD and cocaine. An abusive relationship forced her to move back home.
"Because I hated my father so much, this was the very last place I wanted to be. The first opportunity I had, I latched onto this 40-year-old man who lived in a mansion and drove expensive cars. The lifestyle appealed to me and it was my ticket out of home. It was also my introduction to freebase cocaine. One hit on the pipe and I was addicted."
Sam smoked cocaine all day, every day. She never left her boyfriend’s house for six months. Her family became concerned when she continued to miss family appointments and when her behaviour became increasingly unpredictable and impulsive. They were scared that she was going to die.
Her aunt eventually managed to gain access to the house and convinced her to leave.
"The drugs were so strong and powerful that when my mother came to fetch me, I opened the car door at 120 km/hour and was prepared to jump. It was easier for me to jump than to leave the drugs behind."
She spent two weeks in a treatment centre but returned to her boyfriend straight afterwards.
"I became so thin and drugged up that one of the guys who lived in his house asked my parents to fetch me. He was worried that I might die in the crack house – it became too risky for them."
At her parents' house, her health improved and she started a small business. But she never considered quitting everything and continued to use marijuana, alcohol and occasionally other drugs. She believed that she was in control as long as she avoided crack or cocaine.
Discovering euphoria
Things changed for the worse when she met a drug dealer and moved to Amsterdam where she went back to using cocaine and party drugs.
"He was very wealthy and I was attracted to the lifestyle, the VIP club lists and jetsetting. I didn't realise what I was getting myself into - it all seemed like fun and games and I thought that all young adults aspired to this lifestyle. I had a false sense of popularity and it was great having a crowd of people around me. Now I know they were only after the drugs.
"I still believed I was in control as long as I never took something hectic. But then I decided to try heroin. That is when I found my euphoria. It felt peaceful, calm, warm, fab. That ultimately became my drug of choice for almost 10 years. I sometimes used heroin on its own, sometimes I mixed it with cocaine."
Fooling men and myself
On her return to South Africa, her drug use continued and she became involved in several relationships.
"I was attracted to glamorous, powerful, wealthy men. I lived a luxurious life and didn't have to work. To cut to the chase: I was whoring myself actually. I didn't see myself that way though.
"They were all strong men who had control, which I didn't have myself. I allowed them to control me so that I didn't have to take responsibility for my own life and actions. I said to myself: I'm okay because I'm involved with a successful man.
"I was a chameleon. I camouflaged myself into the personality I had to become in order to hide the extent of my addiction. I would decide how much I would let them in. With one boyfriend I could get away with just snorting cocaine and would hide heroin. With another I could only smoke marijuana and had to hide heroin and cocaine."
"The lifestyle I led made my drugging okay. You see, addiction is a 'yet' disease. I'm not an addict because:
I've never stolen from my parents - yet
I've never been found with a needle stuck in my arm - yet
I've never ended up as a street worker in Green Point - yet
I've never been destitute - yet
I'm not a junkie - yet
"Problem is, addiction is a progressive disease, no matter what your background is and where you come from. I still classified myself as a classy addict. It is human nature to compare yourself with the worst: 'I'm not that bad, therefore I can carry on drugging'. I allowed my denial to convince me that it was still okay to use and to minimise the extent of my addiction. It doesn't matter what your drug of choice is, it is about losing control over your life."
Down and out
Sam refers to her addiction as a "vicious cycle of destruction into hell". The cycle included several bad experiences such as witnessing someone die of a drug overdose, shooting at someone, driving while psychotic and crashing cars, and becoming involved in drug smuggling.
Her physical health deteriorated during those years: she became emaciated and dehydrated, would go days without sleep, neglected her hygiene and developed several ailments. She describes herself as being a ghost in her own body.
"Heroin makes you delusional. I felt invincible and powerful and cool, and because it dilates your pupils, you think you look beautiful, just magnificent."
Sam gradually became so dependent on heroin that she couldn't get out of bed without having a hit. At the height of her addiction, she experienced tactile hallucinations of insects crawling under her skin and would scratch herself until she bled. She would then pour peroxide onto her wounds in order to disinfect them.
Married life
She met her husband six years ago. In a bid to make him fall in love with her, she went onto what she calls her "maintenance programme". This meant that she scaled down her drug-taking to the extent that she could continue with it, but at a level that allowed her to hide it sufficiently.
"Although he was already a recovering alcoholic at the time, he was ignorant about drugs and didn't have a clue what the signs were. He knew that I smoked marijuana but I hid the other drugs from him. When I used heroin, I told him that I had been taking Myprodol; when I used coke, I said it was Bioplus. I was a good little actress and got away with it."
She fell pregnant a year into the relationship and gave up all drugs except marijuana. Two months after her daughter was born, she was back to using cocaine and heroin.
A year later, things had deteriorated to the extent that she could no longer fool her husband.
"He forced me to go for rehab but it didn't work. I wasn't there for myself; I was there for everyone else. If you're not ready to change, you are not ready to hear. I bribed people on the outside to give me urine so that I could pass the urine tests. I think I even still used drugs inside.
"I refused to accept that I was powerless over my addiction, that I couldn't control it. I still believed that if I only smoked dope, I would be okay. I wouldn't accept that dope was my gateway drug. I wasn't prepared to surrender to the fact that I had a serious problem. Surrendering to my powerlessness would've meant that I was weak."
She was angry and resentful and blamed her husband and family for blowing things out of proportion, as she perceived it, and for being too controlling. The treatment centre recommended long-term treatment but she didn't go, neither did she get a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) sponsor nor go to meetings.
Relapse and recovery
Her relapse started with marijuana and alcohol. She was back on cocaine and heroin not long thereafter.
"I managed to justify my drug taking once again. I was a good-enough mother because my child had food, I didn't hurt her and there were enough people looking after her. The problem is that I was emotionally unavailable. There was no connection between us. I didn't know my child at all. I couldn't look after myself; I could definitely not look after her."
Sam became very distracted, stopped working and eventually struggled to function at all. Her life had become unmanageable.
Her mother called a social worker and threatened to have Sam committed to a state institution for a year if she didn't go for treatment. Her husband said that he would emigrate and take their child with him if she didn't go for help.
"Their threats scared me. I didn't want to be locked up and I didn't want to lose my child. I also knew that I couldn't face life with all its responsibilities on my own.
"I spent a month in an in-patient treatment centre. I hated it at first. But I knew that things had got so bad and desperate that something had to change. When things get so bad, you have one of three destinations to choose from: jail, institutions and the mortuary. I was told that I was already on the brink of death. I had too much of an ego to die - I didn't want my daughter to know that her mother died of an overdose, so I chose to fight to live.
"Treatment was very painful. I was in a dark hole but gradually saw a speck of light. That light grows bigger and brighter in rehab. I had to learn to accept that I'm an addict, that I have a disease and am powerless. I learnt that it isn't a weakness to accept it but rather a strength."
Sam entered a secondary care treatment programme afterwards and was an out patient for a year. She is still in therapy and has become an active member of NA.
It has been more than two years since she was at her lowest point. Now she studies psychology and hopes to become an addiction counsellor. She plays an active role in her child's life and is a member of the school's PTA.
Challenge of staying clean
"I have a lot of shame and guilt about what I got up to during those years. I also hurt many people. My marriage suffered - there was a lot of pain, resentment, anger, and many hurtful things were said and done. We've worked through them. We've come so far, so there is hope for my family and the future.
"My husband has been my rock and gave me the strength to start believing in myself. He had the faith in my potential to recover; he never gave up. Even when he threatened to leave the country he said that he knew that I would get my act together one day and find them.
"My daughter is my best teacher, my gift, my miracle child. Every day I look into her eyes, I realise what an amazing gift life is and how grateful I am that I was given the 100th opportunity to live.
"I still crave and would love to be able to have the odd joint on social occasions. But I've had to come to terms with where I'm at and understand that it is no longer an option for me. Now I have a choice, whereas in the past I had none - I had to use in order to survive. That was my dysfunctional thinking and the extent of my physical dependence. Today I choose not to use because I know the negative consequences far outweigh the positive consequences.
"It is sometimes difficult to face obstacles because I no longer have a crutch. But pain is the only way in which I grow. I now see problems as lessons. I don't want to be numb anymore. It is a gift to become aware and conscious.
"Recovery is about starting a new life, on all levels, including people you associate with. I surround myself with winners, with people who enhance my strengths and don't judge me and who enrich my life. I now have a new motto that I live by:
'Don't muck around with the turkeys, soar with the eagles'."
- Ilse Pauw, Health24 writer and clinical psychologist
August 2008
For help
Phone the South African Depression and Anxiety Group's toll-free substance abuse helpline: 0800 12 13 14 or SMS 32312.
Hats off to Sam. I know it is a difficult. - Ex-addict
good story
2008/08/20 01:42:53 PM
" I don' t want to be numb anymore" - that is a statement of real strength and recovery. - Jo
excellent story
2008/08/20 06:03:35 PM
excellent story, well done! - Craig
Wish I could
2008/08/20 06:08:10 PM
I have been told that I have a drug problem, but just don' t have the guts to live without drugs. - Nameless
Cold turkey
2008/08/20 06:45:24 PM
What does cold turkey feel like? - Devon
Great
2008/08/20 08:20:25 PM
A wonderful article. I have different struggles. This has given me hope. - A
wow
2008/08/20 11:21:38 PM
all i want say is great, thank you - f
JA JA
2008/08/20 11:25:07 PM
IVE BEEBN SO HOPING 5 THIS - deda
Thank you to all for their encouragement
2008/08/21 08:18:16 AM
This is Sam.... I just want to say thank u to the editor and all the responses - this is what gives me hope and further encouragement!! i never thought i could live without drugs until i realized i was not living with them! - sam
Awsome Same
2008/08/21 09:53:16 AM
Sam, I think you are just an awsome person to admit an addiction is extreemly hard. Thank you for opening your heart, home and thoughts. It is because of people like you that give others hope and encouragement, and even a reality check. Thank you sunshine.... God Bless and keep it up! :) - Krysia
A True inspiration
2008/08/21 10:02:16 AM
I am so blessed to have you as part of my recovery. Your story is one of pure strength and hope. You have made it against all odds. You inspire me!xxx - Niki
addiction
2008/08/21 10:45:04 AM
brilliant article - a very good insight into the dark world of addiction - anna
COLD TURKEY
2008/08/21 11:17:45 AM
Firstly, you wont die from cold turkey, you will have physical withdrawal for a few days, tummy cramps, perhaps upset tummy and body and muscle aches.It is uncomfortable, but being clean and in recovery is amazing,
Justin Villiers-Addicitons Counsellor 1st Step addiciton out patient program Cape Town - 1st step outpatient addiciton treatment program CT
Drugs
2008/08/21 11:29:50 AM
What is the most difficult addiction to overcome? - Wonder
DRUGS
2008/08/21 11:46:55 AM
No additions are overcome,as such.Some detoxs are slightly harder than others. Depending on how much you use. All addctions affect you in 3 areas, mental/emotional, physical,spritual. Your addicition is with you for life, so you need to get treatment and be and live in " recovery" to lead a healthy life. Abstenance plus change is " recovery." Learning to live life on lifes terms without using. A day at a time.
Justin Villiers-Addiction Counsellor 1st Step out patient program Cape Town - 1st Step outpatient addicition treatment program
A SHINING STAR
2008/08/21 12:05:48 PM
Thank you for your incredible story and Sam for being the one to share this with all of us. The road to recovery is truely a gift and so are you. Recovery is a personal journey and I feel more stories are needed on this process of recovery. I have been in recovery for almost 2 years and not many people know what help is out there for addicts. Addiction is a disease and the help, love & understanding from you, Sam has kept me clean through times of absolute turmoil, 1 addict helping another! - Spiral Blue
Inspiring story
2008/08/21 12:12:28 PM
A very inspiring story,its so nice to know that people can come out of these addictions-pure will power-we all have it,we can all be like Sam. - Craig
Wish I Could
2008/08/21 12:25:46 PM
Substance addiction is a very lonely road. A big thank you and congrats to Sam for her bravery! The South African Depression and Anxiety Group has a toll-free substance abuse helpline that is open 24/7. 0800 12 13 14 or SMS 32312. You are not alone. - SADAG
SUPPORT AND LOVE - what " recovering addicts" need!
2008/08/21 01:41:46 PM
My father is a recovering crack addict. He went " missing" for 20 months, and finally contacted me about 2 weeks ago. I went to see him last weekend, and he has from NOTHING built himself up again slowly, but SURELY! I know everyday must be a battle for him, but he is okay! He is working, lives in his own little place. All I actually want to say is to the familes of addicts - and recovering addicts out there: SUPPORT AND LOVE is the key! They need so much of it, so give it! XX - Maryke
' My Addiction Journey'
2008/08/21 03:48:34 PM
What a brave, honest and imspiring narration of " Sam' s" journey into hell and back again. - Mike Barnardo
Addiction
2008/08/21 04:21:38 PM
Iets om te verstaan - rolene
wow
2008/08/21 04:44:53 PM
That was very inspirational.I don' t claim to have gone through such a hectic experience but I have also have had to overcome my addiction and it was still hard. You are VERY brave!!! - Roms
well done Sam
2008/08/21 06:16:13 PM
I love to read stories like this and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel for some.Sam you are clever and realize that there is a life without Drugs.I have a daughter been in 3 rehabs for the past 7 months and she just does not want to surrender and take responsibility so we are not seeing progress right now and I am just praying that she starts realizing that she is a drug addict and does a full program.If you are able to please let me know how much time and which rehab helped you - Edith
ITS BY THE POWER
2008/08/21 10:52:50 PM
Sam, I have done many wrong things in my life which I could not turn away from even though I knew they were wrong. You could say I was " jack of all sins" It got to the point that I lost sense of shame BUT for some reason stayed away from drugs. The turning point was when I accepted the Lord Jesus as my King and Saviour believing in the Power of resurrection that I bounced out of the pitiful life which had become me and was filled with the same POWER. Its now my ANCHOR, can be yours too. - CHOSEN FOR A PURPOSE
Turning point
2008/08/21 11:47:07 PM
What is the turning point in an addict' s life? What makes him think enough is enough? - ?
FRIENDS AND FELLOWSHIPS...
2008/08/22 12:05:31 AM
Thanks. What a miracle you are! Like me, you really made a good go of trying every which way to use sucessfully! The drugs just stop working don' t they, then there is no more running from ourselves reality/pain arrives!! then we need a solution. Just like you I am a real ' junkie' and like you today, I am in recovery and what a gift that is. Great to know you and call you a friend...See you when you get back from holiday. Have a great one. You deserve it. - Nick Cape Town
Addiction Journey
2008/08/22 02:42:41 AM
I find your story an inspiration to all of us whether we take drugs or not.We all face different challengers every day. - jeff wilson
addiction
2008/08/22 07:58:41 AM
My heart goes out to you and your testamoney girl.I have never been in your situation,don' t even know what drugs look like but i sympathise.Those around you also suffer terribly,lives are changed forever but with God' s intervention hopefully your life will be a lot better.Life is about choices,from the moment we open our eyes.Make the right one.... - Dave
Awesome
2008/08/22 10:36:07 AM
Having witnessed friends destroy themselves and others through addictions as well as watching them rebuild their lives afterwards is one of the most touching experiences I have ever had. Well done on beating it, just remember stay clean today and tomorrow will be a new dawn. - Richard Hipkin
Unending Hope for the Exhausted Addict
2008/08/22 11:22:00 AM
It is this struggle that lay heavily upon me as I wrote Unending Hope for the Exhausted Addict. Check it out at www.graceunlimited.co.za - Alan
Great stuff
2008/08/23 07:18:54 PM
Well done to the author and Sam. - E
Inspirational
2008/08/25 10:11:22 AM
Truly inspiring and well done Sam. - Mark
Inspirational
2008/08/25 10:13:24 AM
Thanks for your story Sam - a true inspiration to anyone - even if not as serious as yours, we all have addiction issues of some sort and for me the key is that we DO have choices. - Thanks - Susan
Outpatient Programme C.T. Justin Villiers
2008/08/25 01:05:39 PM
Could you kindly assist with Justin' s cotact no. Many Thanks - Arthur
Contact details
2008/08/25 02:20:10 PM
Justin' s number is 021 423 6431. - Health24
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