| Are you lying awake at night worrying about your partner or child's drug
problem? Do you make excuses for this person, do you cover up for this
person or do you lie to others - like employers - to not let this person look
bad?
Is your relationship characterised by constant fights, recriminations,
apportioning of blame, verbal abuse and occasional violence? Are your
attempts at control failing and you hate yourself for it? Are you angry,
because you have tried everything and nothing works? Welcome to the world of the
codependent.
Other symptoms of drug codependency
- You constantly ask yourself what you did to contribute to this situation
- You cover up your real feelings by pretending you don't care, or don't
notice someone else's drug habit
- You spend a large portion of your time thinking about this person and
their habit and what you can do about it
- You have become very suspicious where this person is concerned - you watch
what they do, where they go and check to see that nothing is missing after
they have been
- You constantly feel anxious, waiting for the next outburst or drama.
- You find yourself bargaining with this person or threatening them
- Your entire emotional energy is focused on this person, their habit and
its consequences rather than on yourself and your life
- You are constantly trying to make things better, but nothing works
- You are being lied to and deceived on a constant basis, but you find
yourself wanting to believe what is being said to you
Why do people become codependent?
People become codependent for a variety of reasons. They feel empty
within themselves, often have low self-esteem, have difficulty expressing their
own feelings and derive a sense of worth from being able to advise and help
others. Their sense of self-worth derives from being able to help and
control others - and the more out-of-control the others' lives are, the greater
the challenge to fix things for someone else. When this fails, as it
inevitably does, as we cannot change other people, the feelings of
worthlessness, anger and isolation become almost overwhelming.
So must I stop loving my child or partner who has a drug habit?
The answer is simple - no. But love does not mean control, says Robin
Norwood in her book Women who love too much. She adds that when we take
responsibility for someone else's life, they don't have to. We can care about
someone, without caring for them. Sometimes not helping, not
interfering and letting someone feel the consequences of their actions, are the
most helpful things we could do. Healing ourselves should become a
priority and we should not let someone else's behaviour become the determining
factor for our happiness.
Support groups
- Nar-anon - Helpline - 0881296791(For family and
friends affected by someone's drug problem
- Nar-ateen - Helpline - 0881296791(For teenagers with
drug addicted parents)
- Tough Love - (021) 685 5424 (support group for parents
of drug addicts)
- Al-Anon - (021) 4180021
- Codependents anonymous (021) 7047144 or (021) 7834230 or(021) 855 1696
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