It was his son's suicide three years ago which set Bhabha Mkhasibe on a new career path: fighting to raise awareness about suicide.

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"Sizwe's suicide came as a huge shock to all of us. He was 27 at the time. In my mind he was a happy and extroverted child who was popular amongst his friends. He was lively and jolly and would always make people laugh. What made it very hard for the family was that he didn't leave a suicide note. This made it very difficult for me to understand what led to his suicide. He phoned me the night before he died to plan my birthday party. It turned out that I had to bury my son on my birthday.

"You can't help but blame yourself if someone close to you decides to take his life. You can't help but wonder: why did he do that? And could I have prevented it? The pain is still unbearable."

Bhabha contacted the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) for counselling. He started attending workshops and became involved in the organisation's suicide prevention work.

"It was only after my counselling sessions that I learnt to identify the warning signs. If only I'd had this information, I might have been able to intervene in time."

Bhabha says that in retrospect, there were signs that Sizwe was depressed.

"It turned out that Sizwe had a secret life which was only uncovered after his death. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and we only discovered at the funeral that he had impregnated another woman. Now I can see that there were signs. He became quiet and withdrawn. He tried to talk to us but we brushed it off. If only I had listened to him, I might have prevented this tragedy."

"What-ifs"
Bhabha's guilt, self-blame and "what-ifs" are echoed by thousands of parents who have lost a child as a result of suicide.

"Losing a child to suicide is extremely difficult for parents and siblings alike," says Janine Shamos, project manager at SADAG. "There is always self-doubt, guilt and self-blame. Parents and siblings often ask themselves questions like 'Why didn't I see it?', 'Why didn't he/she talk to me?', 'Was it my fault?'. Sadly there often aren't answers to these questions and parents are left doubting.

"No-one ever forgets how they heard about the suicide of a loved one. A key to coping with loss is understanding why it happened. In the case of suicide, understanding cannot be accomplished easily or completely. Sometimes each question that is answered creates two new ones.

"It's incredibly important that parents get help and receive counselling after a child commits suicide. Counselling is vital to addressing often unanswerable questions, looking at guilt and self-blame, and getting support for the family and putting coping mechanisms in place. Self-help groups for suicide survivors can also be an invaluable source of help and support," says Shamos.

Suicide in SA
"Sizwe fits the typical picture," says Prof Lourens Schlebusch, expert on suicidal behaviour at the Clinic in Behavioural Medicine in Durban. "There is a rapid increase in suicides, especially amongst young, black men, with hanging the most frequent method, as in Sizwe's case. Sizwe was in the group most at risk: young adults under 30."

According to Schlebusch, South Africa has a comparatively high suicide rate with 19 – 28 per 100 000 completed suicides per annum. More females try to commit suicide and more males succeed, primarily because men tend to use more aggressive methods.

"The fact that Sizwe committed suicide the day after phoning his father is not unusual. Suicidal behaviour is a process. The person thinks about it, lets go of the idea, then thinks about it more. It takes a small event to push someone over the edge. By the time they've done it, they have been contemplating it for a while."

No hero
At the funeral, people sang Sizwe's praises.

"This made me angry," says Bhabha. "I said: please people, he isn't a hero. What you are doing here is not helping me, it is hurting me more. Look at what happened and see how bad it is. If people don't talk about suicide openly and honestly, they aren't facing the problems."

Bhabha called a family meeting the day after the funeral. At the meeting, he urged his family: "Whenever you have a problem, talk about it. Come to the family first and open your heart."

Bhabha vowed to focus his energies on raising awareness about suicide. He started an NGO, Sizwe Xolani, in Johannesburg and offers workshops and counselling. He runs courses at churches and schools and often talks to the media.

"People don't talk about suicide because of the stigma attached to it. Through the support group, I encourage people to face it. I want to tell parents: look out for your child. If your child is not sleeping or eating, withdraws, spends hours in their room with the door closed, gives things away and jumps from one relationship to another, ask: what's happening? Spend more quality time with your kids and understand them.

"Let's talk about it. Let's fight this together. Let's get more involved in our children's lives. Let's expose the common causes such as drug abuse and unprotected sex which make children vulnerable to committing suicide. I don't want to see another parent losing a child."

For more information contact:
Sizwe Xolani Mental Health Group at 072 1581984
South African Depression and Anxiety Group at 0800 567 567
Professor Lourens Schlebusch at 031 2614293

Other stories in Pauw's series on mental health and stigma:
My secret life
To tell or not

Read more
Suicidal Behaviour in South Africa, by Prof Lourens Schlebusch: order a copy here.

Mindshift: Stress management and your health, also by Prof Lourens Schlebusch.
 

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	The cruelist loss 2008/06/20 10:42:29 PM Suicide of a child must be the worst thing that a parent can experience. The father will not rest in peace for the rest of his life. This article - well written - gives one a clear picture of such a tragic event. - John   warning 2008/06/20 11:09:20 PM I've been worried about my daughter. I will pay more attention to her. - Father   Sympathy 2008/06/20 11:15:31 PM Excellent article - the writer made me realise how great such a loss must be. I can really sympathise with Bhabha although I would never be able to understand how it must be completely. - Samantha   Wake-up call 2008/06/22 09:10:32 PM A shocking, yet heart-warming wake-up call. It is as if I can now recognise signs in a young children at the school I teach. Thank you for your accurate account. I sometimes wonder whether Health24 realises how many people you help. Thanks - Thembisa   thanks 2008/06/22 10:19:14 PM It is never nice to read about suicide. Thanks to Bhabha and Ilse for telling the story in such a sensitive way. - T   Thank you 2008/06/23 03:47:13 PM Thank you Ilse and Bhabha for this sensitive and heartfelt article, a warning we must all take seriously. - dgp   awareness 2008/06/25 12:44:29 PM i feel it so important in today's society that we as parents are aware and educated to all of what our children are exposed to. to know there are people out there who understand and that there is help available. Thank you so much to Ilse for writing this article and to Bhabha for your strength and courage in sharing this with the rest of us. - deanne ordway   Thank you 2008/06/26 11:22:08 AM Thanx a lot for the awareness and I hope it will help a lot of people. As you said in the article that young adults between 18 and 28 commit suicide, I was almolst one of those stats but I did not die but I realised that talking helps a lot even with the stranger. - Luyanda   A wake-up call indeed 2008/06/26 11:23:31 AM Every teacher and parent should know what signs to look for. I wonder how open schools and Dpt of Education would be to workshopping teachers, students and parents? - Renee   THE PAIN NEVER STOPS 2008/06/26 11:34:42 AM I am the mother of a son who commited suicide 3 months before he turned 17, which is now 10 year ago. I found my son hanging - already dead. The pain of the loss of my son will haunt me until the day I die. - Benita   Nothing can be done 2008/06/26 12:03:23 PM there is nothing that you or anyone for that matter could have done, if someone at a mature age of 27 wants to kill themselves, they will evetually do it, just be relieved you did not contibute to his actions - grag   Who gives them a ticket to destroy your child? 2008/06/26 12:13:12 PM Your article came as a God sent. Last night my 13 year son told me that "there's nothing more to live for" - this comment really haunts me. He attends a remedial school. During the past exams, he was humiliated in front of the whole high school 'cause I phoned the school to ask for info on the exam. The day before the start of the holidays, his maths teacher called out 15 names of those who passed maths - his name wasn't read. How do I motivate my child if, during the day, he's destroyed? - CH   Response to The Pain Never Stops from SADAG 2008/06/26 12:14:05 PM Dear Benita, I am so sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk about the pain, please call SADAG on 011 262 6396. - SADAG - Janine   Response: Who gives them the ticket to destroy .. 2008/06/26 12:15:57 PM Dear CH, PLEASE give us a call on 0800 567 567 or 011 262 6396. I'd like to speak to you about your son and what you can do. - SADAG - Janine   Response: Warning 2008/06/26 12:17:04 PM Dear concerned father, please call us on 0800 567 567 or 011 262 6396. There are things you can look for and things you can do to help your daughter. - SADAG - Janine   Response: A Wake up Call 2008/06/26 12:21:53 PM Dear Renee, The South African Depression and Anxiety Group offers school talks on teen suicide prevention to learners, parents, teachers and community people. If you're interested, please contact me on 011 262 6396. - SADAG - JAnine   give them purpose 2008/06/26 01:54:28 PM The most important thing you can give a child is the WORD of God. A man's worth is not determined by how the World views them, but the most important thing is for them to discover who they are in Christ Jesus. - annon   A wake up call 2008/06/26 01:55:16 PM I really like to thank Bhabha for such an encouragement, i am so sorry for your loss, I am a single mother of two daugther age 12 and 2, i have already learnt a lot, and it was such an eye opener, May the Good Lord bless and strengthen all those who lost their children. stay strong. - Lindy   So sorry 2008/06/26 02:02:07 PM To all who have been through this, I am so sorry for your loss. I found that my daughter really struggled with disappointment and it is something we have to help teenagers especially to understand - being disappointed or failing is not the end of the world. - aNNa   Response: Nothing can be done 2008/06/26 02:09:09 PM Sadly many people feel the way you do. Luckily what you say is not true for 80% of people who DO show signs and are able to be helped. - SADAG   Thank you 2008/06/26 02:33:02 PM Thank you for this article. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world who felt like this! My twin brother committed suicide 3 months ago... everyone tells you not to blame yourself, but that is impossible. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone. - N   WHAT AN EYE OPENER 2008/06/26 03:26:32 PM THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS PAINFULL EXPERIENCE. I AM RAISING 2 TEENAGE BOYS ON MY OWN FOR 9 YEARS NOW. A LOT OF THESE SIGNS ARE COMING TO LIGHT. MY HUSBAND COMMITTED SUICIDE AND WE HAVE BEEN SUFFERING EMOTIONALLY EVER SINCE. EVERYTIME SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT THEY WOULD WANT THEIR WAY AND I DONT ALLOW IT, THEY WOULD THREATEN ME WITH SUICIDE. I ALWAYS TALK TO THEM AND TELL THEM THAT SUICIDE IS NOT A WAY OUT. TO CHALLENGE LIFE IS SUCCEEDING. SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, IT MUST BE VERY HARD. - NATALIE   Understanding 2008/06/26 03:33:42 PM ...you get to ask yourself a lot of never ending questions after somebody commits suicide. My friend committed suicide some 9 years ago just a week of leaving my town to go work in another town and still I ask myself the what? why? How? questions to today - Simon   Response: Nothing can be done 2008/06/26 03:48:45 PM It is sad to hear that you say "nothing can be done" and I do understand this. As a depression sufferer, I often go to a very dark place and am unable to see light. For other people who do not suffer these symptoms it must be difficult to understand. This place last week a complete stranger shared these words with me "When you dont see light at the end of the tunnel you are facing the wrong way". Those words made the difference and I can share this today!!! love and light... - InTouch   Thank you 2008/06/26 04:12:17 PM Thank you Ilse for another one of your well-written articles. I always enjoy your journalism. I can see from your responses how much this article is helping others. Thanks to Health24 and Bhabha Mkhasibe too for this article. - Liesel   inspiring 2008/06/27 11:25:12 AM i thought it a really inspiring article also the fact that you are able to draw out really valuable information in such a short length. I feel that these articles are so important as these issues are so often so isolated and I think one often feels so alone when confronted with such issues. Keep them rolling!! - d   depression sufferer 2008/06/30 08:12:38 PM Hi Iam a severe depressed person and often I feel suicidal since the death of my spouse. This article has helped me become aware of what my siblings will undergo should i commit suicide. it is hard for people who has not experienced trauma in their lives to understand the feelings of a suicidal person. Please people out their be very supportive towards severely depressed people as this gives us a reason to go on living. The loving and caring approach helps tremendously SRR - shirley rampersad   suicide 2008/06/30 10:19:44 PM Hi I can relate to this as my daughter commited suicide in 2003 . although we will never get to grips with all the whys and iff and buts it is a hrd battle to get through every day . more should be done in this country to raise suicided awareness Thanks so much for the article Regards Doris - doris   eknLsiToffbRFF 2008/07/08 01:16:50 AM nice topic, - Missouri   Suicide Seed 2008/07/08 02:08:28 PM My brother committed suicide almost 2 years ago and still struggle to deal with his death. The trauma counselor that we saw told us that Suicide is like a seed it is noticed that "it runs in families", that means that it can pass from one member to another even years later another member of a family also commits suicide. This has happened in a guy that I worked with and one of my best friends' family, she committed suicide, her mom and then her younger sister - is the true? - Marcelle   Response to suicide seed 2008/09/12 06:41:29 PM Depression can run in families. Almost all people who commit suicide are depressed but the majority of depressed people commit suicide. - Nomsa   I agree with Doris 2008/09/18 02:33:51 AM There should be more articles like this. - Dan   iuthsZlAtoHdpBDdSv 2008/10/07 11:00:32 AM nice day, < a href=" http://agarkovmoqimy.narod.ru/golaya-kseniya-borodina.html" > ã î ë à ÿ  ê ñ å í è ÿ  á î ð î ä è í à < /a> , [url=" http://agarkovmoqimy.narod.ru/golaya-kseniya-borodina.html" ]ã î ë à ÿ  ê ñ å í è ÿ  á î ð î ä è í à [/url], http://agarkovmoqimy.narod.ru/golaya-kseniya-borodina.html ã î ë à ÿ  ê ñ å í è ÿ  á î ð î ä è í à , 477, - Rywyjsjk
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