The cruellest loss
Last updated: Friday, August 20, 2010 PrintIlse Pauw is a holder of the Carter fellowship for mental health journalism from the Carter Center in Atlanta. This is part of her series of articles on mental health and stigma.
It was his son's suicide three years ago which set Bhabha Mkhasibe on a new career path: fighting to raise awareness about suicide.
"Sizwe's suicide came as a huge shock to all of us. He was 27 at the time. In my mind he was a happy and extroverted child who was popular amongst his friends. He was lively and jolly and would always make people laugh. What made it very hard for the family was that he didn't leave a suicide note. This made it very difficult for me to understand what led to his suicide. He phoned me the night before he died to plan my birthday party. It turned out that I had to bury my son on my birthday.
"You can't help but blame yourself if someone close to you decides to take his life. You can't help but wonder: why did he do that? And could I have prevented it? The pain is still unbearable."
Bhabha contacted the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) for counselling. He started attending workshops and became involved in the organisation's suicide prevention work.
"It was only after my counselling sessions that I learnt to identify the warning signs. If only I'd had this information, I might have been able to intervene in time."
Bhabha says that in retrospect, there were signs that Sizwe was depressed.
"It turned out that Sizwe had a secret life which was only uncovered after his death. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and we only discovered at the funeral that he had impregnated another woman. Now I can see that there were signs. He became quiet and withdrawn. He tried to talk to us but we brushed it off. If only I had listened to him, I might have prevented this tragedy."
"What-ifs"
Bhabha's guilt, self-blame and "what-ifs" are echoed by thousands of parents who have lost a child as a result of suicide.
"Losing a child to suicide is extremely difficult for parents and siblings alike," says Janine Shamos, project manager at SADAG. "There is always self-doubt, guilt and self-blame. Parents and siblings often ask themselves questions like 'Why didn't I see it?', 'Why didn't he/she talk to me?', 'Was it my fault?'. Sadly there often aren't answers to these questions and parents are left doubting.
"No-one ever forgets how they heard about the suicide of a loved one. A key to coping with loss is understanding why it happened. In the case of suicide, understanding cannot be accomplished easily or completely. Sometimes each question that is answered creates two new ones.
"It's incredibly important that parents get help and receive counselling after a child commits suicide. Counselling is vital to addressing often unanswerable questions, looking at guilt and self-blame, and getting support for the family and putting coping mechanisms in place. Self-help groups for suicide survivors can also be an invaluable source of help and support," says Shamos.
Suicide in SA
"Sizwe fits the typical picture," says Prof Lourens Schlebusch, expert on suicidal behaviour at the Clinic in Behavioural Medicine in Durban. "There is a rapid increase in suicides, especially amongst young, black men, with hanging the most frequent method, as in Sizwe's case. Sizwe was in the group most at risk: young adults under 30."
According to Schlebusch, South Africa has a comparatively high suicide rate with 19 – 28 per 100 000 completed suicides per annum. More females try to commit suicide and more males succeed, primarily because men tend to use more aggressive methods.
"The fact that Sizwe committed suicide the day after phoning his father is not unusual. Suicidal behaviour is a process. The person thinks about it, lets go of the idea, then thinks about it more. It takes a small event to push someone over the edge. By the time they've done it, they have been contemplating it for a while."
No hero
At the funeral, people sang Sizwe's praises.
"This made me angry," says Bhabha. "I said: please people, he isn't a hero. What you are doing here is not helping me, it is hurting me more. Look at what happened and see how bad it is. If people don't talk about suicide openly and honestly, they aren't facing the problems."
Bhabha called a family meeting the day after the funeral. At the meeting, he urged his family: "Whenever you have a problem, talk about it. Come to the family first and open your heart."
Bhabha vowed to focus his energies on raising awareness about suicide. He started an NGO, Sizwe Xolani, in Johannesburg and offers workshops and counselling. He runs courses at churches and schools and often talks to the media.
"People don't talk about suicide because of the stigma attached to it. Through the support group, I encourage people to face it. I want to tell parents: look out for your child. If your child is not sleeping or eating, withdraws, spends hours in their room with the door closed, gives things away and jumps from one relationship to another, ask: what's happening? Spend more quality time with your kids and understand them.
"Let's talk about it. Let's fight this together. Let's get more involved in our children's lives. Let's expose the common causes such as drug abuse and unprotected sex which make children vulnerable to committing suicide. I don't want to see another parent losing a child." (Ilse Pauw, updated August 2010)
For more information contact:
Sizwe Xolani Mental Health Group at 072 1581984
South African Depression and Anxiety Group at 0800 567 567
Professor Lourens Schlebusch at 031 2614293
Other stories in Pauw's series on mental health and stigma:
My secret life
To tell or not
Read more
Suicidal Behaviour in South Africa, by Prof Lourens Schlebusch: order a copy here.
Mindshift: Stress management and your health, also by Prof Lourens Schlebusch.
Why they do it. The primary reason most suicides occur.
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Your Comments
@1ted
Not sure what you mean either. Unless you have lost a child be it to suicide or thru someone elses negligence or illness you have no idea what it is like. You can fight for your child and have hope, which you are obviously not fighting hard enough for, so don't ever think that is worse than death
For all you homophobic parents/adults out there
More gays and lesbians have considered suicide an option than heterosexuals (Bell & Weinberg, 1978). Lesbian and gay youth are 2 to 6 times more likely to attempt suicide than other youth, and may account for 30% of all completed suicides among teens (Cook, 1991).
Before you blame people for taking their own lives, be aware that sometimes your actions towards other people are exactly why they take their own lives, because they can't bare to be constantly discriminated against.
Mentors and perspective
I admire people like Bhabha Mkhasibe and what they do. I also think youngsters must get the right perspective on matters and must have good mentors. To me what was " the end of the world" when I was 25, is just a blue monday at 40. We need to get the right peprspective on things and should not think every setback is " the end of the world" . Also my faith in God has carried me through, all my life.
DEPRESSION
Please people, do not sit on this page and comment on how selfish it is and why people dont look for help etc. Unless you have EVER suffered from depression, please dont make suggestions. It is the darkest, loneliest black hole to be in. Imagine looking through a window at everyone and their lives just continue and you are banging on this window and no one hears you, but they can see you. As much as you want to break that glass window, the blackness sucks you in before you can cry for help.
suicide/pain and loss
i have had the unfortunate feeling of being desolate, alone and terrified and many times i had thought of taking my own life reading all these comments makes me feel good that i did not have the guts to go through with it,imagine what would have happened to my kids,i feel for this parent.i have to commend him for taking the initiative to become active and turn a tragedy into an unselfish act of humanity to go out and identify with those that have reached that unlivable stage in their lives.
Unbearable
It is easy to say get help when you not facing suicide yourself but I have been there... It was a few years ago and I took the pills but by a miracle from the Lord I live to tell the tale. All I can say is, there are many people that look " normal" - whatever normal means - but they living lives that they dont want to live. I now know it was a selfish choice but I have learnt and choose now to walk in love and to do everything I can to love people... all people, not just family and friends.
Suicide not the answer
Please people suicide is not the answer. Taking your own life is very selfish. You don't have the right to take a life not even your own life. I can guarantee you that your problems today are never and will never be as bad as what you will face after you commit suicide. By committing suicide you go into a lost eternity where you will never return. Go to Jesus with your problems. He is the only one that can help you.
The suicide of my Oncle 50 years ago.
I'm a son of a big Hunter in my village.
My father name Telemo Nyanga KOLIE and my Mother Naewli SOLIE.
Would please share this story with me,Parents of Kids, Brothers and Sisiters, Uncle and Nice???.
When I was a bout 7or 8 years old, we were in the the forest where my Father build some smallest houses for us One day in midd night,when very body are sleeping, we heard a big son from a gun. My Uncle killed himself because said before us he can't satisfy his relationship woman why he did so.Dr
More than a million people lost their life why???.
Parents of Kids, Brothers and Sisiters, More than a million people lost their life why,because some of these people can't go to school, to church, Mosquee etc. When they have a problem,for them the solution is to smoke, take drog, fight with a people, then when all these primary solution don't march,they kill themself a second before parent knowsiabout.Mysuggestion is to teach our kids to go to school, Church,..When you have as Adviser Protetor JESUS Christ, you never fall DOWN. Dr KOLIE. Amen/
War around the world.
Parents of Kids, Brothers and Sisiters,
Some of the things why people kill themserlf is because of the war
around. the world, please see yourself when they killed all your parents from the same war, where for you to go, to work,to stay.If you are a Good believer in GOd,you try to go to any Church, Fathers or Pastors to explain your case,they will help you to decide others things less then to kill yourself.People who killed themself NO NO NO Go to the to Paradis in French we said DOMMAGE DR K
RIP my dearest mother
I lost my mother only a year ago to suicide, and I was the one who found her, her youngest son and closest to her at the time. I thought we were a happy family, not rich or very successful, but ok at least.After her death you realize what hell she went through and how bad things really were.To those who have lost a loved one, remember the good, and don't focus on the bad and sad, and try to go on with your life.Turn to God for guidance and talk to someone who will understand...
Maybe, just maybe
Maybe its because no-one would listen to them in the first place. So why after they have done it, then everyone want to listen. All you people have no idea how it feels to stand on the last step...
@ Sarah
I know exactly how you feel. My sister commited suicide three years ago at the age of 16. We are not sure what the reason was, whether it was because of depression or outside influences (she hung around with the wrong crowd). I admit that we as family could have prevented it, if she had been willing to talk. She would not even talk to the psyciatrist, whom didn't think she suffered from depression. Anyway, I will always be angry with her for making such a stupid decision.
So sad
It makes me ill to think that when a person is gone, then everyone wants to say why did the person not come and ask for help. Well, they did but you turned them away because you were too busy with your own life and you failed to listen to them.
Depression is one off the worst things you can suffer from, so unless you have being there, you don't know what you are talking about.
not waving but drowning
do you remember this poem: Not waving but drowning?We always think people are fine and getting on with their lives and we do not want to interfere. If we could get closer to one another, we would notice that some of us are crying out for help. For example how many people have we noticed have symptoms of HIV/AIDS and we can help but dont want to interfere? Cant we find ways of getting closer and less judgemental?
How to handle an attempted suicide situation?
My brother was involved in an accident that left him paralysed, that obviously changed his life dramatically, we thought he was fine from all the psychological help he received until recently after 8 years when he attempted suicide by swallowing a -|- tail of pills but luckily he survived. The question I have is what do you say to a person when you know exactly that life will never be the same again, how do you convince him to stay positive of the life offerings despite the eternal adversity??
Out of control
I was discharged from a phyciatric hospital on Friday after being there for 2.5 weeks for a suicide attempt.I am male, 46years old.
Why did I attempt this act.My girl friend hung herself 2days earlier.On Mon I went 2 the site, I was in a state.I was out of control , slashed my arms, Saps took me to hospital 4 treatment then transfered 2 physciatric hos , sedated 4 2.5days. I have no memory whatso ever. Remember being in casualty . I just wanted out of life , was 2 painfull
SEEK HELP AT YOUR NEAREST HOSPITAL
To all of you out there , Please dont do what I did .............
Go to your nearest hospital , they will help u
To Doctors , Physcologists & nursing staff of Life Huntercraig
I SALUTE U FOR ALL YOUR EFFORTS
The cruellest loss
My only child killed herself just over two years ago. She was in her third year LLB busy studying for exams. Her boyfriend who she lived with broke up with her. There was also a few other things I did not know about. The pain a suicide leaves can be unbearable. Don't do it. It is selfish. It is your choice but it is cruel to us who remain with the pain. Talk to someone there is always an answer, always someone who can help you and always many that love you want want to see you grow old.
The cruellest loss
Having lost my daughter at 22 I know what it feels like to feel empty, to hurt and to wonder if you still have a purpose in life. Remember that you came to earth with a purpose and suicide is giving up on getting there. Maybe you were suppose to survive depression and show people it is possible. It was never intented for you to die before the time. And other people are not responsible for your life. You are. You don't need other people to keep on living. You need YOU and you need to love YOU
So sad
JK, it doesn't help to judge. Perhaps if you are " standing on the last step" you should open your mouth and say something?! Don't lay it on the family. Chris, my dad committed suicide by shooting himself and I found his body. It was horrific and terrible and tragic and all of those things.The anger and frustration will always also be there, along with the sadness. The fact that he was so sad for so many years just breaks my heart. Talk about it OFTEN it is the only thing that helps.
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