Good Heavens, that was Survivor overkill for you. So much padding, so much greed. The Finale took place in the gigantic Madison Square Gardens arena, and there were thousands of spectators stupid enough to get a thrill from waving inanely every time a camera seemed to point in their direction.
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After all those hours of viewing, we collectively deserve a long-service medal, and maybe one of those Chevy vehicles they seem to keen to give away.
What a pleasure to reclaim our Tuesday evenings, again. And never again will we see the cheesy ads designed to tie-in with Survivor - that ghastly Pick ‘n Pay jigsaw one, or that nasty, racist and clumsy car commercial with crude artwork and accents. And Telkom's touchingly thoughtful Christmas gift to all those in the squatter camps - a discount on calls to the USA and UK. And it's farewell, for a time, to all that frequently repeated nature footage - the frigate bird, the sloth, and those endless shots of an enormous moon.
After yet another lengthy recap, it's nearly 20 minutes before the program actually starts.
Rob's handshake often the kiss of death
We remember how often Rob's handshake on an apparent agreement seemed to be the kiss of death for other contestants. But he showed a consistently Clintonian care in his words. When someone suggested an alliance or similar proposal, he didn't actually agree, but would say, "Ya wanna shake on it?" Which would be seen by most people as an agreement.
Well, in strict terms, he kept his word - they shook on it. He didn't quite agree, or actually specifically say that the handshake had any particular meaning. Similarly, we kept revisiting his argument with Lex, in which he insisted, correctly, that he hadn't actually promised to protect Lex come what may, but, rather, to assist him if he could. He explained that he couldn't keep such a promise to Lex, because of overriding promises he had made to others. Elsewhere he promised Lex: "You won't get a knife in your back", and, indeed, though Lex felt profoundly betrayed, no literal knife every actually entered his back. Not that that was much consolation.
The purple-rock syndrome
Jeff arrives early, to give the final four a luxury breakfast hamper of strawberries, orange juice, champagne, and pancake mix. Oh, and a camera and a scrap-book. A pointless tradition. Rob'nAmbah chat to Jenna about the dreaded "purple rock" syndrome. If she joins them to vote off Rupert, she'll go a stage further. If not, it'll be a tie, and they'll have to draw rocks from a bag, with a higher risk that she'll be eliminated. She says she didn't come all this way to be eliminated by a rock. But surely she would have had a bigger chance at winning if the Rob/Amber alliance could have been broken?
Rupert continues his inevitable policy of carefully stating the totally obvious, in a style that suggests he considers his remarks to be utterly profound. He's the sort of guy who would laboriously explain that rain involved water falling from the sky, and tends to make things wet.
Amber wins immunity
The last immunity challenge involves a complex maze, through which they have to seek ladder rungs of their own colour, to enable them to climb onto a platform. Ho-hum. After much scrambling, it's Amber who wins. Jenna continues to dither about who to vote for, announcing that "I've never been in so much turmoil in my life!" Rupert smarmily and patronisingly dismisses her as "just a young girl". Eventually, Jenna voted against Rupert, who leaves, grumpy, but saying "just playing the game", and heading for the next Harry Potter movie. The jury witnessed this process grimly, and with sceptical and disgusted expressions on their faces, as if appalled that neither Rob nor Amber voted themselves off. What a bunch of hypocrites!
There's the usual boring and unpopular reminiscence sequence, mooning about among the extinguished torches of the evicted non-survivors. Maybe they've made this a series tradition, but I very much doubt whether any viewers appreciate it much. Just a low-cost way to pad out the programme with off-cuts from previous episodes. By this time, any intelligent viewer is longing to scream: "Get on with it !" to the unheeding screen.
Trust issues between Rob and Amber
Then comes the final immunity challenge, an endurance ordeal. The temperature is 106 Fahrenheit, and eventually Jenna raises one foot and is eliminated. (One of the commentators I read, wrote that she "lifted her back foot", which implies that her fore-paws were still in place. Jenna has hind-legs?). She seemed reluctant to accept Jeff's ruling that she was eliminated. Rob and Amber, if they truly trusted each other, could have saved themselves the discomfort and climbed down now, but they hung on for over three hours. Eventually, thoughtlessly, Amber was disqualified through a minor infringement, and Rob won immunity yet again.
So, inevitably, at TC, the lovebirds vote Jenna out. Why couldn't she see this coming? Now they face the unduly grim jury, a bunch of losers wallowing in self-righteousness and absurd indignation. All washed and made-up, except for Rupert who has retained his Yeti costume: the Abominable Showman. And it seems only last week we saw Lex nearly bald, sporting a narrow Mohican haircut, but tonight he again has a fully head of hair. Either a wig, or he's been overdosing on Regaine. The opening statements from the last two contestants are uninspiring and they waffle on about how "it's not personal" and how they "played the game". No great oratory skills here.
Mud-slinging session
Then it's the Question and Answer session. Lex starts, quivering with pique. "It’s just a game: a great excuse. It’s a big lie. The way you play this game is the way you really are. It's like truth serum. I hope it was worth it for voting me out." What a sore loser! He comes across as sopping with bitterness. While he cheerfully disposed of everyone he considered to be his rival, any way he could, he considers the same tactics when used against himself, to be the epitome of human evil. He goes on about friendship, though he was never noticeably anyone's friend in this or his first series. Rob sounds quite sincerely regretful and apologetic, though I see nothing whatever he ought to have apologised for.
Then Kathy starts up, with a flood of tears, announcing that she loved Rob, "you were like a son", which is news. Again, she claims those voted out have been appallingly damaged by that experience, "people were left in carnage!", and asks why it couldn't have been done more gently. Then, as if sussing out a rival, she asks Amber whether her relationship with Rob was genuine and would continue after the series. She, too, damply mutters about "friendship". Look, K, this was a game, and your competitors are not friends, merely acquaintances. "You could have left us an ounce of self-respect!" she whimpers. Kathy, the only person who has diminished your self-respect, or the respect anyone else might feel for you, is you yourself.
Rupert congratulates the pair. When he asks Rob "Why should I give you my vote?", Rob very smartly replies "You are a man of your word!". Alicia, looking stunning, stands up, lip curled in a sneer, finger wagging again (if they put the finger in a sling, she'd be speechless), oozing scorn and self-righteousness, and asks a silly question, demanding that they describe how they played the game, in one word. Rob says: "Competitively", and Amber says "Luck", suggesting a lack of familiarity with basic grammar.
Shii-Ann rises with dazzling common-sense and graciousness. She congratulates the pair, saying they'd earned the right to reach the finals, and "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." And, interestingly, asks each to say why the other one should win. Jenna is also conciliatory, and asks what they'll do with the million. Rob talks of a scholarship fund for poor kids in college, and Amber of helping people with muscular dystrophy. Promises of charity always look good, but will the winner make good?
Tom rises, incoherent as ever, asking, apparently how he should vote. Amber gives a curious explanation of how she somehow had less of an alliance with him than Rob, and thus had betrayed him less. Actually, except for Shii-Ann and Jenna, and perhaps Rupert, the jury has convincingly demonstrated what losers they all were, and why none of them even remotely deserved to win. Tom refuses to shake hands with Rob, saying he won't be fooled again.
The votes fly off in a helicopter
Then the jury votes and Jeff pinches the voting papers and flies off in his helicopter, to see the group again in New York, at Madison Square Gardens. The contestants look remarkably sleek, and some look as if they've been swimming in an ocean of Botox. Lex is still brooding, and his hair has gone prematurely bright blue, with worry. Tom is wearing the formal dungarees he got married in. Rupert is in another of his large repertoire of tie-die vests.
Rob has doubled in size, and Amber is wearing a skimpy "I (heart) Rob" T-shirt. And Rob, who has dominated the entire series, now neatly upstages Jeff, by producing a ring, sinking to his knees, and very sweetly proposing to Amber, who eagerly accepts. Now, whichever of them wins the million, they both win. Their families wave in support and delight. Someone among the contestants asks if Amber signed a pre-nup. As an anticlimax. Jeff tallies the votes, and Amber wins, 4 to 3.
Jerri gets booed and hits the road
In the following banal chat session, Lex the sourpuss and Jerri get booed. Later Jerri claims to have found this very upsetting. She displays a common false belief - she is indeed, entitled to behave and speak as she pleases (within the usual legal limits, of course) - but she is not entitled to insist that everyone else must admire her for the choices she makes, or to withhold expressing their disapproval.
Tom is incoherent and insists on being outraged, muttering something about castrating goats, and exacts further apologies from Rob. We discover that Jenna and Ethan are apparently dating, and grotesque Sue has already managed to plunge into yet another Reality TV show, and has had an extreme makeover, with plastic surgery, liposuction, the works. It doesn't seem to have made much difference, but she flaunts herself proudly.
Amber is invited to donate yet another Chevy vehicle to whichever contestant she pleases, and sensibly picks Shii-Ann. We learn that Rich met the love of his life behind the reception desk of a South American hotel. Jeff announces that he is also an ordained minister, and offers to marry Rob'nAmber right there on the spot, but they wisely refuse.
Yet another follow-up show enabled America to vote on the web, for a number of largely meaningless titles, but also to award a further prize of a million dollars to any of the contestants who proves the most popular. Nominees for the Hottest Man include Ethan, Rob, and Colby is selected; the Hottest Woman nominees include Jenna and Jerri, but is won by Amber. The final four from this series nominated for the extra million prize, include Colby, Tom, Rupert and Rob. No women, though the majority of winners across the different series have been women. The eventual winner is Rupert. He responds by a series of unpleasant roars. Vote-wise he won hands down. And, for now, it's all over.
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