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And it’s completely understandable. It’s not fair to expect acrobatics involving chandeliers when your spouse is worn out and has a big presentation in the morning. Men are different to women in many ways, as you may have noticed. One major psychological difference is that men can be ready for sex – mentally and physically – within seconds.

Like the Minuteman missiles used by the US during the Cold War, men are generally on permanent standby, while women need to be nurtured and coaxed and pretty much in the mood for it.

Marriage can make that mood elusive, but often it’s because the wife sees her husband turning into Archie Bunker, rather than the man she married. In short, sex can be an excellent barometer of the state of a relationship.

Men tend to ‘catastrophise’ any lack of bedroom fireworks and read all sorts of negative connotations into it, such as suspecting an affair. Instead, we should see a sudden paucity of punani as a warning sign, a symptom of trouble, rather than a cause. If you get paranoid and start assigning blame, you’re a jerk, and you’re also about average for a guy.

Here are a few tips on how to be married and have a decent sex life:

• Look at the circumstances: If you’ve just found out that your child has a life-threatening disease, or that you’re being retrenched, make an effort to not be the crotch-propelled Neanderthal. Rather offer a surfeit of hugs, cuddles, flowers and other little romantic gestures that men subconsciously regard as the means to an end.
• Remember that you’re nothing special: Look at your circumstances and realise that nearly all couples experience a change in their sexual relationship once they have a child. Having realised that, challenge yourself to change it.
• Look at it from her point of view: Staying at the pub until 9 p.m., not taking the garbage out and then expecting a hot and nasty grapple later is very male, very insensitive and very damaging. In short, hold up your end of any household arrangements you’ve made.
• Don’t be spiteful. In his book Standup Guy, Michael Segell says many men withhold sex as a form of “payback.” They also withhold – perhaps subconsciously – the hugs, touches, and sweet nothings that women need to make them receptive to contact of the more salacious variety. Anger cools ardour, so if you’re sore at your wife for something she did a fortnight ago, either have a discussion about it or grow up and let it go.
• Make an effort to keep it up: If you woo your wife into carnal knowledge, then ignore her the next day, she’s likely to feel betrayed. Rather develop a pattern of contact and considerate behaviour. Men tend to think this creates a boring routine. It’s actually likely to turn up the thermostat in the bedroom, garden, laundry, kitchen, or wherever you spend time together.
• Get checked out: Consider seeing your family doctor for a checkup. You might find that drinking less, working less and working out have an almost miraculous effect.
• Make time to be together one-on-one: Instead of both sacking out in front of the TV, eat together. Or better still, get a baby-sitter and go out for supper.

(William Smook – Health24)

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