'Anne, please help your brother get ready for school. You're going to make us all late again, William. If only you were as organised as your sister!"
Does this sound familiar? Or what about, "They can have Peter's room. He won't mind - he's my easy child. Aren't you, Peter?"
Advertisement
Do you have a golden boy or girl in the family? Or a troublemaker? A solitary soul or a carefree kid?
Experts say these are the four typical roles children assume in a family. They may even remain blueprints for their personalities into adulthood.
By way of subtle pressure children are forced to adhere to these roles without parents or the rest of the family realising it.
It suits us all to have a hero in the family, someone to be proud of, or to have a lovely little angel who can be spoilt by all. But in a perverse way it also suits us to have a black sheep or scapegoat who can take the blame on behalf of others.
While it's true that children's characters are partly fixed at birth many personality traits develop later on.
This happens in everyday situations:
when they charge into the living room to get the best seat in front of the television, when they come home and chat about their school day or while they argue about who should do which chore.
What's interesting is these traits often develop according to a pattern. It could be related to where they fit into the family (eldest, middle or youngest child), whether they're boys or girls and how their parents interact with them.
If children grow up regarding themselves as the victim, the hero or the black sheep it's more than likely that this is the way they'll view themselves as adults.
Guard against pressuring your children into a role, says Dr Munita Dunn, consulting psychologist and senior lecturer at Huguenot College in Wellington.
It could limit their potential and trouble their relationships with brothers and sisters.
"Children practise for the future in their family circle. They learn how to get along with others and how to deal with conflict. We don't want to pigeonhole our children but it's only human to do so from time to time," Dunn says.
Parents can prevent this by focusing on children's strengths rather than their weaknesses and differences. Take care not to stereotype your child as "our shy one" or "my responsible big boy" or "our little rascal".
Psychologist Alette Aucamp has worked in practices in several towns and has come to the conclusion children assume these roles according to established patterns.
"It's unmistakable but this doesn't mean it applies to all families. The roles assumed by children aren't cast in stone and don't necessarily create problems.
Many other factors also contribute to a child's development. But when problems do occur it helps to be aware of the various roles."
The guru of play therapy in South Africa, psychotherapist Reyhana Seedat of Durban, has highlighted the four most important roles children can assume within the family.
Typically these are the family hero (or heroine), the scapegoat or black sheep, the loner and the family favourite or mascot. An only child can take on the characteristics of more than one of these roles.
Parents who are aware of the roles will be better equipped to deal with problems. But, experts say, don't think you have to raise all your children in exactly the same manner.
Feel free to love each child in a unique way.
See which roles have been taken on by your children.
Do you have a child who is obviously the high achiever in the family - who plays in the first team, takes the lead in the school play and is bound to be chosen as prefect or even head boy or girl?
Family heroes thrive on giving people what they want and work well towards rewards.
They're used to attracting positive attention and will do everything in their power to make sure they get it - not only from their parents but also from uncles, aunts, grandparents and other adults.
It's usually but not always the eldest child who assumes this role.
Do you remember as a parent looking at your newborn and wishing to be the best parent in the world, to give your child an abundance of attention and be as responsible and perfect as you can?
Firstborns often grow up with these perfectionist tendencies and strive for approval and success, also in the adult world.
They can set unrealistic goals for themselves and usually don't deal well with criticism or failure.
Some family heroes grow up wanting to please people and take care of others; others may be driven and ruthless.
"When a problem arises it's often because these children feel obliged to correct family problems," Aucamp says.
"Family heroes maintain the family balance by seeking and providing outward proof that the family is okay. They often keep bad feelings to themselves and will not talk about mom's depression or dad's drinking or their own unhappiness to anyone.'
Tips for parenting the family hero:
These children put a lot of pressure on themselves which inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy, especially if the parents are ambitious.
The children will be finely attuned to your expectations. Be aware of what your words, voice tone and body language communicate to them.
Watch out for the question, "And how did the others do?"
Children gain self-esteem by completing small tasks then building up to bigger ones.
The family hero will want to achieve goals that will please you as a parent and will assume you want more than you do.
Set goals that are truly the child's own and are realistic.
The eldest child, especially when there are a few younger ones in the house, may feel he needs to grow up faster and be more responsible.
Be careful not to put more responsibilities on your child than he can handle.
If he's constantly held up as a role model for younger children he could feel pressured.
The black sheep
The black sheep in your family is probably
• Competitive
• Rebellious
• Manipulative
• Belligerent
• Sensitive
• Adaptive
• Loyal
• Social
Do you have a child who's always in trouble? It may be because he feels he can't compete with the hero of the family.
Black sheep often feel they'll never be as good as the family hero and suffer from inner feelings of anger, rejection, loneliness, hurt and guilt. They know their behaviour is undesirable but feel powerless to change it.
These children may become violent with siblings and may withdraw from the family at times.
Their behaviour is frequently contradictory but there seems to be one common thread: they're mostly second or middle children and their personalities are usually the opposite of the firstborn's.
They're often unsure of their place and identity in the family and may have low self-esteem. By seeking negative attention and acting the scapegoat they may develop traits that irritate those around them.
This in turn elicits further negative response. It's common for them to feel squeezed out, with older and younger siblings getting more attention, so they turn to the world outside the family.
Yet these children are often also generous and free-spirited. They may be very sociable and good at negotiating.
Tips for parenting the black sheep:
Make sure this child feels included and has a special relationship with each parent.
Look for another adult, such as a granny, aunt or uncle, who can also form a special bond with the child.
Praise and affirm as often as possible. This is important for all children but especially for a middle child.
Be aware that your child may act this way to take the focus off conflict or problems in the family. Can the reason for your child's rebelliousness be traced back to larger problems?
Put a lot of effort into finding the child's unique interest or talent and help him develop it.
The loner
The loner in the family is
• Unassertive
• Withdrawn
• Solitary
• Passive
Loners are used to looking after their own needs and maintain the family balance by making no demands and being "good".
Also arriving in "the middle of the plot", when parents are less focused on parenting individual children, the loner gets by in the world by not ruffling any feathers.
Aucamp says it takes a long time for these children to open up and talk about their feelings because they believe it's their silence and passivity that will keep them safe.
"Yet when they do open up you're often struck by the confusion of their feelings. They see themselves as different, even invisible.
They feel like a stranger in their own family and think they're of little consequence in the world."
Loners stay out of everyone's way, have few friends and often live in a fantasy world, preferring their own company, television, books or computers to more social activities.
Tips for parenting the loner:
Take extra time to talk and listen to these children. As with all children, but especially with loners, empathise and don't assume you know how they feel.
They have to know that you listen to and understand what they say.
Be aware that these children may expect little from themselves because the family expects so little from them. Surprise yourself and them - give them new responsibilities and rewards.
Affirm and develop this child's unique gifts to the family.
Make sure loners are informed about issues, choices and decisions affecting the family.
Ask their opinion. It may not be forthcoming in the beginning but persist. It's important for siblings to hear and see you as a parent regarding this child's voice as important.
The mascot
This child may be
• Outgoing
• Creative
• Charming
• Loving
• A clown
• Temperamental
• Manipulative
More often than not, the mascot is the youngest. By now parents often let the child's development proceed with more of a hands-off approach and are happy to involve older siblings in the process.
This means the mascots get an abundance of attention. They soon realise it is their "littleness" or "cuteness" that elicits all this attention and they continue to act out the role of the baby.
As a result they may see themselves as fragile and needing protection.
They may feel everyone is more competent than them and expect others to do things for them. Mascots are known for their sense of humour and will clown about to relieve tension and take the spotlight off a family crisis.
Their position in the family can make them the butt of family jokes. They're often accused of being spoilt; the ones who get everything the other siblings never had.
They're often allowed to be more demanding and irresponsible than older siblings.
Tips for parenting the mascot:
Don't fall into the trap of doing everything for them. They need to be taught to be self-sufficient.
Be aware that you as a parent may have a need to think of your last child as "your baby" because it signals the end of a certain stage of life - but your need may be limiting your child.
This story originally appeared in the Pulse magazine. Buy the latest copy, on newsstand now, for more fascinating stories in the world of health and wellness.
Bookmark with:
What are social bookmarks?