Your partner couldn’t get his shirt button closed this morning. This evening you’re with friends, and you’re watching him reach for his third beer – in between the chips and the peanuts he has already delved into.
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And you feel as if you could kill – that’s if the Grim Reaper doesn’t get in there first.
You want your partner to be healthy and fit, and rather not resemble the Oros man as far as his weight is concerned. Or have a heart attack at age 41. Or sound like a drain when he breathes.
So what do you do? Become the nag of the 21st century? Leave pamphlets lying around about heart disease? Stop all socialising? Drive him nuts with constant references to his midriff? Threaten to leave?
“The question here is really where your responsibility ends and his begins," says Ilse Terblanche, Cape Town psychologist. “Remember that you are dealing with an adult here and you cannot take full responsibility for his health. Ultimately that’s his problem, not yours. He will only resent you for nagging, and even if he does stop smoking, or goes on a diet, or joins a gym, if it wasn’t his idea, he’ll blame you when his attempt fails.”
Nagging shifts the focus
“If you nag constantly, chances are good that your partner will no longer take you seriously. The focus will then be on your nagging and not on the issues you want to discuss,” says Terblanche.
She also advises that you shouldn’t raise important issues when you are angry. It is better to speak to your partner when both of you are calm and have enough time. State your concerns clearly and try not to blame your partner. Throughout the discussion, remind yourself that the objective is to resolve the issue and to find a solution, not to “win” an argument.
Here are some practical suggestions:
Don’t set yourself up. If you take on full responsibility for someone else’s health and well-being, you are setting yourself up for failure. Each adult can only take responsibility for him or herself. If you are lying awake at night about your partner’s health, he doesn’t have to. You’re doing it for him. While you want your partner to stay healthy, shouldn’t he be the one who makes the effort in this regard? And if he doesn’t, shouldn’t he be the one to suffer the consequences?
Have healthy food in the house. In short, cut the doughnuts and hit the fruit section. Make an effort to buy healthy low-fat food. Vegetables and low-fat dips are better as snacks than packets of chips. Just don’t buy sweets and cakes and high-sugar fizzy drinks. Your family will eat what there is – and even if they go out to buy the odd bit of junk food, they will eat a lot less of it than when it’s available all the time at home. Fresh fruit is a wonderful snack to have around.
Look after yourself. You don’t want to be stressed to breaking point because you’re worried about your partner’s health. Talk about counterproductive. Looking after yourself should get the message across that it is a good idea to eat healthy foods, sleep regularly, exercise regularly, not to smoke and to limit your alcoholic intake. Just do it for yourself anyway, whether your partner pays any attention, or not. You can hardly preach to him about his health if you are on a two-pack or a bottle-a-day habit.
Cook healthy meals. Hit the grease, and the fat will follow. How you cook can make a big difference to how many calories a meal contains. Grilling rather than frying, is a good idea. Use lots of spices rather than fatty sauces. Get yourself a low-fat cookbook and you’ll quickly find out that low-fat doesn’t have to mean tasteless. Try and use wholewheat grains, and lots of fresh vegetables. Don’t oversalt the food, as this can increase someone’s blood pressure.
Make a point of walking. If going anywhere means grabbing the car keys, you need to readjust your thinking. For thousands of years, people walked everywhere. I’m not suggesting you should walk to Durban for your holiday, but if you need eggs and bread and milk from the shop, rather use your feet than your wheels. If you do this, chances are that the family will follow suit. Never drive when you can walk (obviously within reason), unless it’s pouring with rain and an outdoor walk looks like a suicide attempt. Or you’re driving to the sticks to visit your aunt.
Organise healthy family outings. Rather than hitting the local fast-food joint for a family meal, take a healthy picnic to a scenic spot. Or go for a walk on the mountain (if there is one). Otherwise just go for a walk. Join a sports club, go kiteflying or go for dancing classes. Anything but a junkfood fest round the corner. Use up a few calories while you are relaxing with the family. These will also lower general stress levels, which is essential, especially if your partner has a high-stress job.
No smoking in the house. Cigarette smoke permeates everything. The furniture, the curtains – and your children’s lungs. You can hardly point fingers to you partner’s lifestyle or habits if you are lighting up regularly. If you do not smoke, you are within your rights to insist that the home is a smoke-free zone, especially if you have children. But if there is no smoking in the house, it may get the message across that it is actually not only bad for the smoker himself, but for everyone else in the family.
Pack healthy lunches. OK, this is not always just your responsibility. But a lunchbox that contains wholewheat sandwiches, fresh fruit, fruit juice and yoghurt will be a lot better for anyone’s health than when they take their chances with the local greasy spoon. Realistically seen, you cannot prevent anyone from doing the cream doughnut and sausage roll routine, but at least if he has eaten the contents of the lunchbox you packed, it limits the number of doughnuts he can consume.
Accept he’ll do things when he’s ready. Constant nagging will not achieve the desired effect. It will only make you become the baddie. “The individual needs to take responsibility for him/herself, ” says Terblanche. “If your partner needs to make behavioural changes, you can certainly help by, for example, removing temptation, encouragement and even the occasional celebration when goals are achieved. You can help a great deal by supporting your partner, but only your partner can make the necessary lifestyle changes.”
Feed him multivitamins. Be proactive. If your partner (and everyone in the family) takes a multivitamin every morning, it will boost his immune system and might go a long way to preventing colds, flu and other inconveniences. You’ll find it’s a lot cheaper to keep your family on multivitamins than it is to buy cold and flu remedies. Many people don’t like taking tablets – however, if they get flu, they will have to take so many more.
I hate the word ' nag' and it doesn't seem fair that you're looking out for HIS health but YOU'RE the nag... - JoJo
cuts both ways
2008/10/22 10:00:43 AM
I suspect it could easily be switched around, but I guess it' s just easier to write the article from one gender' s perspective. - Richard
Healthy lunches
2008/10/22 10:01:36 AM
I pack my husband a healthy lunch and he still goes out and buys pies and chips. What on earth can I do? - Brenda
opposite problem
2008/10/22 10:04:59 AM
I gym every day and look out for my health, but my wife is very lazy when it comes to exercise. She drives the two blocks to the cafe. It' s starting to show as she' s packing on the pounds. Not sure what to do. - Joburg guy
RE: Joburg guy
2008/10/22 11:02:36 AM
U should try suggest dance classes or soemthing she' d enjoy... - Sara
I was getting fat
2008/10/22 11:52:13 AM
And my wife freaked out one night about my boep ,and she said she is not attrarcted to me anymore , Now I have been to gym and look and feel great , She still doesnt seem to be attracted to me tho , I am now doing it for myself not for her anymore - piet
personal choice
2008/10/22 12:34:53 PM
Being healthy is a personal choice. My wife recently hit 60 and freaked out. I had hinted here and there that she was getting a little bit squishy around the edges, but in the end only when *she* noticed (weighed herself) did she make a conscious decision to do something about her chocolate intake :) - celery
shame piet man
2008/10/22 12:35:37 PM
Hopefully with your new toned body you can pick up a lekker bokkie at the gym. - adriaan
@ Piet
2008/10/22 12:55:09 PM
Now that you' re actively working on yourself, you have the right to ask your wife to work on her attitude towards you... - Saffa
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