You feel a bit flattered at having been asked to go on a date by the new guy in the IT department, but he's not really your type and besides, you think your flirtation with your neighbour's cousin could materialise into something. So how do you say no, nicely?

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"It takes an enormous amount of courage to ask anyone out," says Cape Town psychologist, Ilse Terblanche. "One shouldn't forget this. Very few people have the kind of confidence so regularly displayed in the movies. Normally, asking someone out, takes weeks of planning, so have some sympathy."

So how do you say no in such a way that you don't cause someone real heartache?

Make sure you want to say no. Once you've said no, that's usually it. You probably won't be asked by this person again. Would you queue up to be kicked in the teeth twice? If you really are busy at that particular time, but might consider going had you not been, say something like "I'm sorry, tomorrow night I can't, but please ask me again."

Let him down gently. Don't be too harsh. The last thing you want to do is really hurt someone's feelings. An answer such as "I don't think so" or "Maybe another time" are both fairly vague and will probably be interpreted as a "no". Especially if you have another excuse second time around. You be the judge of this one – if someone is very thick-skinned, don't make vague future promises, as you might be held to them. Then rather say, "I never date anyone from work" and hint at bad experiences in the past.

Ask for time. If you don't want to make up your mind on the spot, but would like some time to think about this, say so. Something like "I'll tell you tomorrow, after I've checked my diary" lets you off the hook for at least 12 hours, while you can think of a suitable answer.

Suggest a joint venture. If you enjoy this person's company, but are not romantically interested, suggest a joint venture with other colleagues or friends. Something such as "I'm going to the movies with a couple of friends on Thursday evening – would you like to join us?" dilutes the one-on-one thing.

Hint at other involvement. If it's true, you can be direct. "Thanks for asking, but my boyfriend won't like that" should get rid of even the most persistent of admirers. If there isn't anyone else, but you're having difficulty shaking this one off, something like "Oh, I have someone in my life who wouldn't like that one bit" – for all he knows you could be talking about your aunt who doesn't approve of your choice in boyfriends.

What part of "no" don't you understand? This fairly harsh tactic should only be employed in desperate cases, such as when someone continues asking, even after you have said "no" repeatedly. And if someone is pestering you at work, speak to your boss. If nothing is done, consider laying sexual harassment charges. (Susan Erasmus, Health24)
 

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