It's one of those ironic twists of human nature that the season in which we put the most pressure on ourselves to be merry and jolly quite often leaves us feeling lousier and crummier than any other time of year.

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The causes are nearly countless - money, family, alcohol, overeating and under-exercising.

But perhaps the worst stress-inducing factor, experts say, is simply the overwhelming notion that this is a time when everyone should be happy.

"This is a time of the year where you feel that you're supposed to be so happy and there shouldn't be any waves with your loved ones," says Dr. Gail Saltz, a clinical psychiatrist at the New York Weill Cornell Medical Center in Manhattan.

"You're seeing people that you haven't seen in a while, and you have fantasies about how great it's supposed to be -- and often it's not so wonderful, especially if you haven't even anticipated any of the potential difficulties," she says.

"I would say the biggest cause of stress is the unrealistic expectations people have of family gatherings," Saltz says.

The simple dynamics of unusual family combinations thrust together sometimes can be a recipe for disaster, she says.

"There are all sorts of family combinations, in-laws, etc., having to be together under the same roof for longer periods than they would normally be, and the anticipation that it should all be lovely and warm is often just not realistic," Saltz says.

The feelings that can pervade such gatherings may be unpleasant, but they're normal nonetheless: competitiveness and tension, especially among siblings (such as who did well in sport this year), about how successful you appear to others, and they to you; about how you appear physically to people you haven't seen in a while; and even about past squabbles.

On top of that, add the challenge of spontaneous cohabitation with these people, and you can probably increase the tension exponentially, Saltz says.

"All of these people are in one house -- maybe your house -- and maybe your kids have to share their bedroom and they're fighting and you've got some people who are slobs, others who are neat-nicks, and the whole thing can be hugely stressful if you're not used to it," she says.

Dr. Carol Kleinman, a general and forensic psychiatrist in Chevy Chase, Md., USA, adds that conflict from such situations can have lasting effects.

"Hosts or hostesses of gatherings can get very anxious and may lash out at people the way they wouldn't ordinarily do, and that can leave lasting feelings of hurt and insult," Kleinman says. "It really can be a time of great conflict."

The solution?

Keep expectations in check, and go with the flow.

"You have to have realistic expectations," Saltz says. "Your mom isn't perfect, for instance, and she's probably not going to swoop in and say 'I love everything you do.' These are real people. Everyone has a part of them that's nice and a part that's a pain in the neck, and you need to remember that."

In addition, be realistic about yourself, she adds.

"Some people feel that they suddenly have to be Mr or Ms Perfect. And even when that's not really their style, they may feel it's expected and will do it -- all the while being angry, annoyed and then ultimately feeling no one even appreciates it."

"If baking 100 cookies isn't your thing, if you'd rather be out there talking up a storm with everyone, then do that and order stuff out, or make it a potluck," Saltz suggests.

And finally, simply keeping in mind that you just can't please all the people all the time may be one of the best ways to survive the holidays, Kleinman adds.

"Be realistic about what you can do and what you can spend," she says, "and don't let your happiness with the holiday rest on other people's response."

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