You've had enough of the relationship, the abuse, the threats, the jealousy and the rigid 'Thou shalt nots'. It's time to go, but you are really scared of what your husband or partner may be capable of doing to stop you. Because you do know what this person is capable of doing and it frightens you.

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Many women are seriously injured or even killed when trying to leave abusive marriages or relationships. While many men would never dream of being violent, there are unfortunately also those for whom violence is a way of getting what they want.

"Planning, planning and planning is what is needed", says Cape Town psychologist, Ilse Terblanche."Many women in abusive relationships are unaware of their rights and they have become very isolated from friends and family, which make up the usual support network. When things are really bad, a woman almost needs more strength to stay than to go."

She suggests the following:

Call in the experts. Contact a woman's organisation like Rape Crisis or POWA. They will be able to give you support, tell you what your rights are, give you counselling, suggest possible places to stay and discuss the legal implications of your situation. With their help, you can start planning your departure.

Revitalise your support structure. Make contact with family and friends and tell them why you have not seen them for a while. The more people who know the truth, the more disempowered your abuser will be. You may need friends and family for both protection and accommodation for a couple of weeks.

Find out the truth behind the threats. Many women stay in abusive relationships, because the children are used as pawns by the husband and she does not want to give up her children. Fact is, courts usually award the children to the wife, unless there is some major problem such as repeated drug-related hospitalisation. If a woman has been hospitalised because of physical abuse, hospital records of her injuries may very well convince the courts to give her sole custody.

Call in the big guns. Don't be alone when you break the news of your impending departure. Don't be in a situation where you have to break the news and then still share a roof for a few days – this could be extremely dangerous. Remember that abusive husbands tend to see their wives as possessions, and in his eyes you are not towing the line. Get a few male relatives to accompany you and to help you move. Men who abuse women generally go for people who are smaller than they are and your hulk of a brother will most likely deter any violent episodes while you pack your bags.

Don't live alone at first. Move into a shelter if you can – these are in secret locations and you will be safe there. Or, move in with family or friends. You don't want to be panic-stricken every time the front door bell rings. Other peoples' presence will make you feel a lot safer.

Alert security at work. Many women get attacked by abusive spouses when arriving at work or leaving work. This is the one place the partner knows he is sure to find her. Give instructions that he is not to be allowed in. Get security personnel to accompany you to your car.

Get an interdict. Go to the magistrate's court and apply for an interdict. Be specific about things such as phone calls, the distance he must maintain and places where he is not allowed. While this may not always keep the abusive spouse away, it will give you a certain legal standing, should anything go wrong. Someone who disobeys the rulings of an interdict can be arrested, and should the case go to court, it will count heavily against him.

Get some counselling. This is essential. If you have been in an abusive relationship, chances are that your self-esteem has been destroyed and you doubt your ability to make wise decisions or even look after yourself. Remember, this is what he wants you to believe – don't become your own gaoler.

Be pennywise. Many women stay in abusive relationships, because they have no money of their own and have not worked for a while. Many abusive husbands refuse to allow their wives to work, because they know that having money of her own will give her a certain independence. Get some training, send out feelers and try and find some sort of employment. Self-employment is also an option. Remember that your husband will be forced by the courts to pay you maintenance – in many cases it will be taken directly off his salary.

Don't go out alone at night. This is probably only for a short while, but many women have been assaulted by jilted husbands when they are on their own somewhere or arriving home after dark. Go out in a group, don't go to the movies alone – even be alert in the supermarket or post office.

Phone the school. The school should be informed of your new situation, as this is also a stressful time for your children. If you have been given sole custody, your husband may also not fetch the children from school unless you know about it and have informed the school in advance.

Susan Erasmus Health24

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	Escaped 2009/11/30 03:56:25 PM I was stuck in abusive relationship for almost 14 years, and was left feeling less than human. I have had objects thrown at me, cigarettes burnt on me, have bite marks on my wrist and arms. Finally I left the unstable alcoholic. Now I am being sued for maintenance because I am a man. But I will pay anything to be free of her. And I am human again. - Escaped   Men Are Also Victims !!! 2009/12/01 05:13:54 AM Why is it in our sick society we always look at abuse to be a thing related to woman.Please do wake up to reality !!! Men are also abused and in many instances the " UNJUST"  criminal justice system is to blame for this.Men are very much victims also!!! Please do have balance in your articles and dont only portray women to be victims.Many a women are criminals (abusers) as well !!! - Men are also Victims !!!   @Men are also victims 2009/12/01 07:52:17 AM Then why don' t you write us an article about all the abused men, and send it in. This article is to assist women in abusive relationships and that' s precisely what it does. - Simon   I need help 2009/12/01 08:04:55 AM I need to speak to somebody regarding abuse by my wife. Any organisation that I can speak to or contact details? - Taamane   ... JOKE? 2009/12/01 08:41:10 AM Is this a joke... get real! 90% of abuse are men towards woman, whether emotional or physical. What is this new trend when speaking out about abuse or rape that MEN jump on the bandwagon as well... trying to get sympathy. THE FACT: The abusers are 90% male and the victims 90% woman. GET REAL! - Unknown   ARE YOU KIDDING 2009/12/01 09:09:24 AM Whats wrong with y' all? Of course men are also abused. I' m a woman but i' m not gonna ignore the fact that many of our men, our fathers, brothers and sons are abused. Abuse is abuse whether its towards a man or woman. A friend of mine died a couple of weeks ago after being poisoned by his wife. Is that ok? Is his life less important? Are we,as a society, saying it' s okay if a man is abused? - @...JOKE?   Funny 2009/12/01 09:13:01 AM Anyone that stays in an abusive relationship in this day and age deserves it! If a person beats you or treats you bad why stick around? How desperate is a person to allow themselves in that situation? Women should just go to school and stop behaving like invalids! But then again talking about how men beat women up does make for a nice chat on weekends - Lerato   15yrs 2009/12/01 09:37:05 AM My abuse-emotional &  financial - he took tens of thousands from me &  lied about why  money 4 renovations 2 house but used on other things, lied abt hijacking - he owed money therefore car was taken away &  given a hiding  people coming to the gate because he owed them money  sold our car, cos he couldn' t pay for repairs  I walk now  sherrif of court taking away furniture as sch fees not pd, elec disconnected  people stop me in the street/ phoning &  coming to home &  office looking 4 him, Divorce - Ant   Beaten for the 1st time 2009/12/01 09:56:18 AM My man beated me up this weekend becoz of his insecurities. We were in a break for 3 months, coz he doesn' t support me financially &  emotionally, I boutht a car, a flat, pay bills, buy food etc take care of kids but he does' t do anything. I dnt know if i should forgive him or break up with him. I' m afraid he' ll do it again. All I wanted from him was to provide me and support me like a real Man. - Slindi   response to beaten for the 1st time 2009/12/01 10:23:30 AM Slindi..once someone beats u it will never stop. I highly suggest you end this relationship immediately. Change comes from within. You cannot will him to be the person you need him to be. I wish you lots of strength and resolve....but please do the right thing....your kids deserve a safe, loving environment and so do you. - merle   @beaten for the 1st time 2009/12/01 10:59:27 AM get out now..... - ant   beaten 4 de 1st time 2009/12/01 02:48:45 PM My dad abused my mom in all ways but she couldn' t live him. And nw it' s hard for me to trust any men and i knw there are good men out there that dont abuse there wive. Children suffer alot from this and they end up thinking that abuse is the right thing. - Malindz   Abuse by a woman 2010/01/06 02:45:19 PM Some women are extremely abusive. It' s wrong to say that 90% of the abuse comes from men. It' s not good when someone abuses you emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. While there are good women out there I don' t think that I can trust women. It' s going to be hard to trust a woman. - Abused
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