Right, so you didn’t choose them. You chose their son or daughter. But when you get married, it’s often a package deal. Or a Lucky Dip. Or an unlucky one, for that matter.

In-laws can be angels – sweet and nice and helpful and supportive. And then there’s the vast majority.

Advertisement

Do your in-laws make you feel inadequate, unsuccessful, not quite good enough, and just generally down-in-the-dumps? You are not alone. In-law trouble is one of the greatest sources of family and marital stress.

Here is a short guide on dealing with Bonnie and Clyde. Unarmed.

Bite your tongue. If your mother-in-law makes unwanted comments or suggestions (remarks on your weight, your interior decorating, your cooking skills), difficult as it may be, agree with her and ask for advice. Once she’s gone you don’t have to follow it. But she will feel mollified, rather than huffy and aggrieved.

Never criticise their child. You chose your spouse, they brought him/her up. Any direct criticism, even on something like dress sense, will be experienced as an indirect criticism of them. Remember, families close ranks in the face of outside opposition, regardless of the divisions and in-fighting there might be. Never, ever fight with your spouse in front of your in-laws. Also stay out of any sibling rivalry issues there might be – you’ll ultimately get it in the neck.

Pick up the phone. Make it a weekly thing, preferably on the same evening. Five minutes is all it takes. Remember to ask about things that are important to them – health, outings, their other kids. You should know them by this stage. A regular phone call will win you many brownie points.

Ask them for help with your kids. Especially if they are retired, they probably have time on their hands. The occasional babysitting session might cause them great joy (make sure of this first). Generally, grandparents love grandchildren and adore spending some time alone with them. Just don’t overdo it. Someone of sixty can’t handle a two-year-old toddler for days on end.

Don’t openly favour your parents. Everyone knows that your own parents will always come first with you. Don’t make it obvious that you favour your parents by doing things like spending every Christmas with them. Remember, your spouse feels about his/her parents like you feel about yours. Make some effort to be fair, and to be seen to be so.

Try and avoid financial involvement. This cuts both ways. It is better for you not to lend them money and it is better that they don’t lend you money. Sometimes this cannot be avoided, but make sure that there is a clear plan to pay back the money. And stick to it. Also try and avoid going into business ventures together. This is mostly a recipe for disaster and a reason for endless bitterness and recriminations.

Make regular dates with them. If you have a fixed date with them, such as the first Sunday of the month, they probably won’t try to pressurise you constantly into social engagements. They can spend the whole month looking forward to it. In this way, you will get far more mileage out of the event than if you invited them on the day before. And take a bit of trouble with the cooking – and involve your mother-in-law. She is less likely to criticise anything if she had a hand in it.

Don’t compete for attention. You need to get them into ally-mode, not into enemy-mode. If you try and come between them and their child, or try and make your spouse choose between you, you could come horribly short. Be nice, be polite, and above all, don’t openly antagonise them.

Be helpful. This doesn’t mean that you have to become a slave at their beck and call 24 hours of the day. But if you’re going to go to the chemist anyway, it won’t kill you to phone and ask if you can get them something. There is little difference in the effort it takes to pick up one, or two, bags of dog food. And changing the odd light bulb will put you into their good books too. You’ll get a lot for very little.

Hit the road. If you do have the in-laws from hell, and they are interfering in your life, moving away might be the only solution. Just make sure that you have your spouse’s support on this, or you might find yourself being held responsible for the move to the back-of-beyond - not something you’d like on your conscience. See a family counsellor if things are really out of control. You might need to find a way to cut ties or minimise contact.

(Susan Erasmus, Healthy24, updated May 2008)

Rate this article Poor 1 2 3 4 5 Excellent

	Too true 5/13/2008 3:55:09 PM My in-laws have no life of their own. they sit around and wait for us to provide it. It drives me crazy. I don't want to see them all the time. We're thinking of moving to another city. - martha   phone all the time 5/13/2008 4:05:18 PM Mine phone about 4 times a day - for no reason at all. These days I just let the phone ring when I see it's them. - had it   pretend they don't exist 5/13/2008 4:36:28 PM If your relationship is not good and you have tried everything to mend, the best solution is to ignore them especially your mom-in-law. Never stoop low to defend yourself from her or try to be involved in arguments with her. It's pointless...You'll never win. Also, never put your spouse in a position where he will have to choose between you and his mother. It just won't happen... If they are really a nuisance, it's better you let him deal with them and have nothing to do with them. - T   Walk away... 5/13/2008 4:45:59 PM I agree! i pretend after all the anger and hurt thats gone on, that they simply dont exist, it works a lot more than fighting! - Karmen   son-in-law 5/13/2008 4:48:10 PM My son-in-law is so weird. He refuses to work and spends everyone else's money on himself. He is really selfish and crazy. If it weren't for my poor daughter, I would never see this awful creature again. - I wish I could   pretend they don't exist 5/13/2008 4:52:57 PM I wish i could meet with T - it sounds exactly like my situation and i am absolutely at my wits end with this but T seems to have the answers..... - Venessa   no money 5/13/2008 4:59:54 PM My in-laws made no provision for themselves when they retired. we had to convert our garage into a flat for them and we've been feeding them for the last 2 years. We never have any money to do anything nice or buy presents for the children. - out of pocket   Tip #10: extreme but so effective! 5/13/2008 6:27:57 PM My mother-in-law made our lives miserable. We’ve tried most of the advice given above. 3 years ago my husband's employer moved us to another part of SA. The best thing ever! Our marriage changed from constant fighting to one where we can’t wait to meet up after work to spend time together. And the relationship with mother-in-law has changed to a more civilised one. T is right – never try to defend yourself against mother-in-law – save your energy for better things. - Survivor   in-laws 5/14/2008 6:42:54 AM Our son-in-law despises me and the feeling is entirely mutual. - taurus   In-laws 5/14/2008 7:43:03 AM Do U agree? - Zakiha   In-laws 5/14/2008 7:44:18 AM do u agree? - Vimal   The In-Laws 5/14/2008 8:20:07 AM I would like to know why is it that the majority of the people that have a problem with the In-laws, mothers in particular are woman? - Amit   Silence is the best reply to a fool... 5/14/2008 8:24:47 AM Ive tried for 10 years but just couldnt cut it with my in laws and their constant disapproval of me...my hubby and I always ended up fighting. Now I have cut them out of my lives and we are so much happier....even he agrees - Anon   In-Laws 5/14/2008 8:57:52 AM I agree with most of these comments and i am going through the same things now and my wife just does not have the time for me,just her parents.I do not know what to do,hence i have moved out...heart broken and seeking advice. - Shaun Singh   In-Laws 5/14/2008 8:58:50 AM I would say I'm very fortunate all the in-laws are not the same.I have a beautiful relationship with my in-laws and so is my wife with hers.The remedy is,get a place far away from them so you don't have to see each other weekly.Trust me...it works - Cruzito Candelaria   Good advice from my father 5/14/2008 9:00:41 AM My father gave me great advice. "When you get married, you marry your wife, and ONLY your wife." You don't marry her parents as well. If they interfere in ways you don't like, cut them off. Its your life and your marriage and no-one has the right to interfere. Make this clear from the beginning and life will be much easier! - rp   in laws 5/14/2008 9:07:22 AM to Amit - Please do not be critical of all women in general. They are just the braver ones in identifying & acknowledging a problem. There natural instinct to protect & nature their relationships does not cater for meddlesome beings in general. In laws are general critical of there kids spouses so times so much that u can find yourself wishing that they had married their kids! So relax & fight your battles with the correct people. Personally most of the advise listed worked for me - AG   In-laws 5/14/2008 9:24:36 AM My mother-in-law lives with us. She is insufferable, always hovering and meddling. Unfortunately for me, there is no escape. She's in her 70's and has always lived with my husband. - Fed-Up   mother in-law from hell 5/14/2008 9:25:16 AM she has managed to break up my marriage by constantly interferring in the way I raise and run my kids and home. Unfortunately her son never saw anything wrong and went her way. He is involved with someone else (apparently she has always been there approved by his mom) I am having peace of mind. - annon   Inlaws 5/14/2008 9:31:04 AM I've got a mother in-law from hell. I;m marred to her only son and can't do anything right . I sometimes feel like running away and never come back. - Beverley   in laws 5/14/2008 9:40:01 AM According to my in-laws i'm the best hing since sliced bread.simply because i treat them with respect.i do more for them than their own children,not bcoz i hav to but bcoz i want to.i can honestly say that my husband also has a gr8 relationshiop with my parents and siblings.we're caring loving people and this shows in our relationships. - one in a million   Outlaws 5/14/2008 9:42:18 AM They are not called the outlaws for nothing. Life is miserable when they are around. I wish I could get rid of them for good... They are just too unbearable, and I wish that they would realise this and get on with their own lives. - A   In laws 5/14/2008 10:08:00 AM This article and these comments make me want to hug my mom-in-law. I feel very lucky to have her. - mel   My advice 5/14/2008 10:14:33 AM From the start,let them know what goes on,,dont let these bastards interfere in your life,,,limit visits to them so that they dont feel used to you. - Mohammed bin Moses   Been there done that 5/14/2008 10:41:18 AM I have inlaws that just wont get out of my face. They're at my house on weekdays after work or they're phoning 2-3 times a day wanting to know what we're doing, cooking, etc. I would luv to move away but I don't think anywhere is too far for them. I have had problems in the past with them which are now resolved, I try and keep my distance by hardly visiting / calling so that they don't get the idea that I'm wanting to socialise. I just wish I could have my life back. - Need my life back   Mentor - Dont dictate 5/14/2008 11:43:35 AM I am a father-in-law. Happiness is the result of good communication; helping with suggestions but not dictating. Talk adult to adult and explain your thoughts/ideas. Mentor kindly and see the results of your wisdom. - Bennie   in-laws 5/14/2008 11:56:48 AM I agree whole heartedly wit Bennie.That's exactly what my father-in-law does.And I love him for that.You're a wise man Bennie - one in a million   in-laws from hell 5/14/2008 1:00:16 PM I have in-laws from hell. Unfortunately my husband sees nothing wrong with them, as a result my marriage is finished. I regret ever getting married in the first place. My in-laws feel entitled to everything of ours. Vat-en-sit is much much better as no one can touch you. - plaza   good things come to those who waits 5/15/2008 2:27:31 PM my in-laws are just what any girl could wish for especially the mother in-law she is a star, my relationship with her is very good,she is a loving caring mother or its because she doesnt a girl all her 2 children are boys and they stress her alot and me im loving the way im being treated by her she treats me like im her daughter, so i cant complain - bay girl   To AG 5/15/2008 3:44:25 PM In my comment I never said "all woman" I said "majority" I also did not mention that I disagree with the suggestions. Judging from the comments and personal experience, I picked the fight with the "correct people" - Amit
	Name Email Subject Comment Characters:    /500

JOBS

Operations Manager R20,000-25,000 Per Month Cost To Company Incl Benefits Gauteng - East Rand Financial Accountant: CA(SA) R400,000-500,000 Per Annum Cost To Company Gauteng - Johannesburg Key Account Manager Gauteng Java Developer-CT Western Cape - Cape Town Java Developer-Jozi Gauteng Account Manager R460,000-540,000 Per Annum Cost To Company Plus Benefits Gauteng Account Manager R460,000-540,000 Per Annum Market Related Plus Benefits South Africa Case Manager R210,000-220,000 Per Annum Negotiable Gauteng - Pretoria Find more jobs Register your CV Post a job