01. A curtain call for you
Ugly curtains put me off. Call me shallow, by all means. But I judge a book by its cover – especially in guest houses, doctors’ waiting rooms and lawyers’ offices.
Read02. Gym guilt trip
The way to riches for any gym owner is paved with the good intentions of others. Buy why does not going make you feel so guilty? And why don't you just cancel your membership?
Read 03. A fool and his money
Free gifts, miracle weight loss products and stores where shoppers do themselves a favour by shopping there - if you believe that, you'll believe anything.
Read 04. Pick your miracle
The end of your troubles is in sight. Whether you want musical skills, a court verdict in your favour, a promotion, or a miracle cure, I know just the guy. And he only charges R50.
Read 05. DJ wanted, 75+
Imagine a chef who was as thin as beanpole, a DJ aged 75, or a union leader of 18. Something just doesn’t fit. Or are we just prejudiced?
Read 06. Ho ho hum
The sight of the first Christmas decorations makes me go into hiding. Even if they appear in September. Especially if they appear in September.
Read 07. Sentenced to death
Public hangings were part of everyday life in Victorian England. In some countries they still are. Just ask the Hussein family.
Read 08. Losing face
Last week a spider bite made my face swell up. I looked like the Elephant Man. So is complete withdrawal from society the only solution?
Read 09. Right on queue
The world is overpopulated – and how I would like to deal with it, is to give up all the people ahead of me in the queue for medical experiments. Starting now.
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10. Love your neighbour
It’s the one reason I continue to buy lottery tickets – so I never have to have neighbours again. Not ones I can hear or see, anyway.
Read 11. Your diet, my dinner party
What do dieters and recently converted fanatics have in common? They don’t get invited to dinner parties anymore. Not mine anyway.
Read 12. A cash explosion?
Three strangers phoned me yesterday. They wanted to lend me vast sums of money. Overdraft, personal loan and credit card. Should I feel rich, or what?
Read 13. Not the Hilton
Poor Paris Hilton. Dehydration, claustrophobia, hyperventilation – that’s the nasty little trio of medical ailments which got her out of jail after just three days.
Read 14. Poor Paris
It’s very hard to be an heiress when you get chucked into chookie, and no-one feels sorry for you because, well, they’re saying you must be doing psychotropic drugs.
Read 15. Keep off the glass
A broken glass, broken bottles and glass shards in restaurant food. This day has an edge to it.
Read 16. Being a wimp
It has taken me many years to perfect the art of being a wimp. It has not come naturally and has taken a fair amount of work. That's because I'm actually a reformed volcano.
Read 17. Lights out
Who needs reality TV if you've got Eskom? With one fell swoop we're all back in the Middle Ages.
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