Emotional infidelity

Your husband's female friend has just phoned again.

For the third time this week. And while you're slaving away in the kitchen, you hear them laughing on the phone and your hackles rise. Are you being unreasonable and petty, as you know they are only friends and nothing more?

"Not necessarily," says Cape Town psychologist, Ilse Terblanche. "When much of the social attention that is usually present in a marriage is diverted elsewhere, it is perfectly normal to feel betrayed in some way. Infidelity isn't only sexual, it can be emotional too. And cause problems in your marriage." 

As she explains, insecurities are brought to the fore by a situation where someone else is receiving an enormous amount of their spouse's attention. But there's a big difference between being a bit jealous and obsessing about your partner. If your partner goes out for an hour to have a drink with an old school friend, you're overreacting if you go into jealousy overdrive. But, if it's the fourth time this week, you have every reason to be unhappy.

"A strong emotional connection between your spouse and a friend will eventually drive a wedge between spouses, whether there's a sexual relationship or not. And very strong emotional attachments elsewhere could be very dangerous for your relationship or marriage. But both partners should also be allowed to see friends, obviously within reasonable limits. If you don't allow your partner any outside contact, you've already signed the death warrant for your marriage. No-one likes being made to feel that they are in a prison," explains Terblanche.

"Similar feelings of betrayal can be brought on by emotional infidelity than by sexual infidelity. The spouse who sits at home wonders whether the other man or woman is more compatible with their partner than they are, why they weren't invited along and why their spouse no longer makes them feel special."

So, when does the line get crossed between normal friendship and emotional infidelity?

Time factor 
When you realise that your spouse spends more time with this friend than with you, there's a problem. If the friend is only here for three days from Europe, obviously that's different. But generally, your spouse's first responsibility lies with you and your relationship, not with an outsider. We all need time out from our partners every now and then. But the majority of free time should still be spent with you.

Spouse not invited 
If things get planned to which you are specifically not invited, there could be a problem. If you suspect that work-related activities could be merely a guise, investigate. But, remember that there are genuine work-related things, so don't get too suspicious. 

Too much involvement elsewhere 
There's a big difference between helping a friend who's just had a burglary and spending weeks helping a friend who's looking for a house to buy. Or getting overly involved in helping them buy a car. Or lending them lots of money – possibly without telling you. Your spouse's main focus should be at home with you and the children – for most of the time anyway.

Didn't I tell you?
When you feel that you're no longer the main confidant of your spouse, alarm bells should start ringing. When your spouse's friend knows about a promotion or an illness or a winning lottery ticket before you do, there's a problem. Or if little everyday things are no longer shared with you, because they have already been shared with the friend, you are being systematically excluded.

Duty vs. pleasure 
When paying the bills, going to the supermarket and the PTA evenings are the only things you do with your spouse, you should be getting worried. Especially if all the fun things are being done with one or more other people, and you're just around when the boring stuff happens. Relationships should consist of a mixture between duty and pleasure. And what's more, if your partner starts associating you only with boring duties, the writing could be on the wall.

Always part of the equation 
Your spouse somehow feels responsibility for the wellbeing of this person – to the point where you feel that no plans of yours are made without considering this friend. You feel you have to explain why he or she cannot accompany you on some family outing or holiday, whereas no explanation is really needed.

The friend is pitted against you 
When you feel the friend is starting the one-upmanship game, red lights should be flashing. This friend is competing for your spouse and his/her attention, and is certainly no friend to you. It's also quite possible that your spouse is enjoying having two people fight over his/her attention and is pitting the two of you against each other. If this friend were really a friend to both of you, you would often be included in invitations and gatherings. And the two of you would do things on your own sometimes as well.

What should you do?
This is a difficult one as you don't want to provoke the kind of situation where a huge fight takes place and your spouse finds solace elsewhere. It's important to share your feelings calmly in a non-accusatory manner. An example of this would be, "When you go out for the third time in a week with Gary and leave me here, I feel rejected and unwanted." Tell your spouse how you feel, but try not to explode or shout and scream. You will only look jealous, possessive and unattractive. And this will make the company of the friend look all the more attractive. If your spouse's friend does have ulterior motives, you're playing right into their hands by fighting with your partner. Ask to be included in some future activities.