Learning the art of forgiveness

On Nelson Mandela's 94th birthday we are reminded of the power that lies in the ability to forgive.

Here's what Cybershrink has to say about the art of forgiveness:

An obvious reason why many people are unskilled at forgiveness and remorse, is that they may not have experienced either while they were younger. Parents need to model both of these behaviours for their children.

Apart from expecting this of the children, as many parents do, we need to be careful to ourselves say "sorry" when we have hurt them, and to allow them to see us being apologetic and forgiving when we have been hurt.

We can also practise, and thus teach, the related skill so much needed within a relationship, of being able to get past mistakes and not keep digging them up again to re-use as ammunition when other disagreements occur. We may remember the past, so as to seek to avoid repeating its unpleasant events, without having to resume a lecture series on those topics.

Emptying the shelves of our Grievance Store

Proper forgiveness means no longer storing a set of grievances to use in future quarrels. You can always recognise when you are raiding the shelves of your Grievance Cupboard, when you find yourself saying "You always xxx", or "You never xxx", or "And now I suppose you're going to xxx again", or "Don't forget how last time you xxx".

Such comments have so many ill-effects. They plunge you both back into past pools of bitterness and anger, accompanied by a sense of helplessness, for rehearsing arguments that neither of you have ever won, and recalling incidents about which you both still feel tender. Remembering how things have gone wrong before may make our natural sense of vigilance more efficient, but this is not aided by dragging past and supposedly forgiven incidents into the present, and adding them to our pile of hurt.

De-grudging yourself

The more carefully you remember every aspect of previous pains, the less you are able to notice present positives. The more busy you are with always keeping score, the less you are able to play, and win the game.

The more you allow yourself to continue to marinade in old grievances, the more you condemn yourself to stick in the old bad moods, and to miss opportunities to recognise the reasons for feeling better. The less energy you spend on revisiting the pains of the past, the more you have for creating a much more positive present and future.

Of course you feel reluctant to "give in". But letting go of past hurts isn't surrendering - indeed, hugging all the hurts of the past is surrendering to them, and allowing them to colour and shape your present and your future. Waiting for the person who hurt you to do some specific form of penance is a sterile occupation. Giving up your grudges isn't giving them a clean slate - it's giving it to yourself.

Written by Prof M Simpson, Health24's Cybershrink

- (Health24, updated July 2012)