Meeting the parents

You’ve been having nightmares about finally getting together with them. What if they’re into some weird cult, or extremely posh, very unposh, or very difficult? Or what if they just don’t like you?

And now the day is here. You’ve been invited for Sunday lunch. And you feel as if you would rather go for a ride on the Big Dipper without a seatbelt or eat a kilo of raw chillies. But there’s no getting out of this one.

Here’s how to survive the day – with your front teeth intact.

Don’t be late. This is also a tense situation for the parents. If their daughter is involved with someone they see as unsuitable, it could mean huge future problems. Be on time and don’t make them wait. But don’t be early – most households spend the last ten minutes before the guests arrive in a flat panic picking up wet towels and stashing away dirty dishes.

Be friendly, but not familiar. You’re not at the slap-on-the-back stage yet. Be polite, but nothing puts parents off as much as someone who behaves like one of the family before he has earned that right. Oh yes, and stay away from religion and politics. They’re dangerous topics.

Shake hands firmly. A firm handshake is a good beginning. If your hands are clammy, or your handshake feels like a dead fish, you’re off to a bad start. You only have one chance to make a good impression.

Don’t make any fashion statements. This is the day for dark colours. A pair of jeans, a shirt, a T-shirt. No luminous bright orange, torn jeans, heavy jewellery or really high-fashion clothing. O yes, and it may be an idea to take out your tongue stud just for the day. It will be best if they are unable to remember the next day what you were wearing, so err on the side of the conservative.

Do take a gift. A bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine or some chocolates will do. If you spend more than R50, you will look over eager and as if you may have something to hide. A gift is always a good idea when meeting the parents. But don’t overdo it, as it will make them feel uncomfortable. It might also look as if you are trying to flash your money around.

Compliment something. Not right at the beginning, because that’s going to look as if you’re trying to butter them up. Find something you really like in the house – a painting, a chair, the dog – and give a sincere compliment about it. Stay away from complimenting her mother on her appearance. It could be awkward.

Keep your hands off your girlfriend. These are her parents and she doesn’t want you to paw her in front of them. Anyway, excessive public expressions of affection are in bad taste, because it’s a bit like you’re marking your territory. Don’t go there. Excessive compliments are also out of line. And remember they have known her far longer than you have. Respect that.

Draw them out. Everyone loves talking about themselves, so asking questions (nothing too personal) is always a winner. Possibilities include how long they’ve lived in their present house, questions about their other kids, work, obvious hobbies. Whatever you do, don’t hold forth about yourself for hours. And stay away from touchy topics such as the brother with the drug problem or the bankruptcy five years ago.

Lend a helping hand. Help to fetch and carry, clear the table and maybe even to wash or dry the dishes. You don’t want to create the impression that you are Little Lord Fauntleroy who expects to waited upon hand and foot.

Don’t offend them in any way. If their dog is really irritating, or you have suggestions about their interior decoration, or the food is really uninspiring – for heaven’s sake, keep your thoughts to yourself. Don’t make any suggestions, as all suggestions will be experienced as insults.

Don’t hit the bottle. It’s better to drink nothing than to take the chance of starting to slur halfway through the meal. Or stick to one beer or a single glass of wine. Drunk people say and do things they regret later. Parents don’t want their daughter to be getting involved with someone whose best friend is the bottle store and whose next destination is rehab.

Make allies of siblings. Take trouble with siblings. The minute you’re not there, they’re going to slag you off if they didn’t get a nice vibe from you. Play with them if they’re still small, and if they’re closer to your girlfriend’s age, take trouble to chat to them. Don’t make patronising remarks and don’t tease anyone. You could be the one who comes off second best here.

(Susan Erasmus, Health24, August 2006)

(Picture: meeting the parents from Shutterstock)