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Intimacy during pregnancy

Over the past three years I have been teaching perineal massage to couples preparing for natural water birth with a wonderful midwife, Sharon Marsay.

The classes started out with the idea of finding a new way to teach this as the way it was previously taught was to ‘put both thumbs inside and stretch till it burns’. This is horribly invasive and painful. Surprisingly, not many people wanted to do this more than once, if at all.

By including the principles of Expanded Orgasm and other sexual and sensual techniques, we came up with a method that has made an enormous difference to many couples and have helped them have easy births with no perineal tearing.

As important as this is, what I came to see as being even more important was the sexual and sensual relationship between the partners before and after the birth of their baby.

Regaining a relationship
Many people struggle to regain this relationship after birth, sometimes this is an issue for years afterwards. Obviously this can be a cause of great stress.

One of the major reasons for this is the pain subsequent to birth which can be caused by an episiotomy. I’m a firm believer of natural birth, as you’ve probably guessed by now. However, that is not the focus of this. Your relationship is.

What I’ve come to see is that if you establish a pattern of intimacy and pleasure during pregnancy, it’s much easier to continue that after birth. An important aspect of this is to understand that sex and sensuality are not only about penetration. This is a wonderful excuse to learn a range of sexual skills such as Expanded Orgasm, Sensual and Genital Massage and Oral Techniques.

These allow you to pleasure your partner, both of you, in ways that are fulfilling and satisfying without the pressure of penetration. As much as you prepare your body for birth by exercising, yoga, pelvic floor muscle exercises (Kegels), perineal massage, etc it takes time to ‘recover’.

These techniques give you many different options for pleasure both before and after the birth.

Sexual happiness
I have a personal belief that the more sex you have during your pregnancy, the better you’ll feel. Let me qualify that by saying that I mean loving, caring sex, sensual play and intimacy.

We all function better and are much healthier when we have this kind of sex, pregnancy is no different. In fact it may be even more important. It keeps your immune system working wonderfully, you’re more relaxed and less stressed, your joints work better and you feel better about yourself as a woman.

Remember that just because you’re a mother, you don’t stop being a wife and a woman, you’re still a sexual being.

This is a good time to talk about the difference between sex and sensuality. I’ve come to define sex as a goal-oriented genital activity. The goal being orgasm.

Sensuality is different. Firstly it involves all of your body, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. Then it includes all your senses, taste, sound, sight, smell and touch. And intimacy. One of the most important components of sensuality is intimacy. In intimacy we find fulfillment, it touches our hearts. Sex is not always intimate. Sensuality is. This is a wonderful time to develop intimacy. Your baby was conceived in a state of love, you’d like them to be born with love and grow up in a happy home. We have one of the highest divorce rates in the world. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Good sex positions
Some positions that are good during pregnancy: you’re not limited to rear-entry ‘doggy style’.

  • Woman on top, particularly when she’s sitting up. This also gives her control over penetration and movement.
  • Reverse cowgirl: she’s on top but turned around so she can lie back on your chest.
  • The woman lies on her back, knees up. Her partner lies between her legs, on his side at a right angle. Once you’ve penetrated, you can entwine your legs. Penetration in this position gives a great angle. It also allows for lots of eye contact and your hands are free to touch each other.
  • She lies on her back right on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor or supported, he stands between her legs and penetrates. This allows for lots of clitoral stimulation.
  • A variation from behind: she kneels on a couch or chair, her belly facing the back of the couch, he can penetrate, also gives a different angle and sensation to her being on her knees.

(Jonti Searll, sensualist)

Stimulating the G-spot

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