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Do real men need manners?

From off-colour pick-up lines in bars to pro wrestlers bellowing insults at each other, to motorists giving each other The Finger. After thousands of years of civilization, is this what things have come to?

We live in angry times. We're busy. We drive fast, walk fast and avoid eye contact. Waiting five seconds for a lift seems like an eternity. And woe betide the motorist who wants to change lanes.

All this is at the expense of the some basic guidelines you were probably taught as a kid. When we were little we weren't taught that it was bad to sell belt-fed automatic weapons to crack addicts or to bomb other people's cities. Most four-year-olds don't have access to those things, although you can never tell with Michael Jackson around.

We learn all the important things in the kindergarten
No, as toddlers we were taught to play nicely, to not take other kids' toys without asking. It formed the basis of what we call civilization. Robert Fulgham had a point when he wrote that "all I really needed to know in life I learned at kindergarten: "Share, say 'please, thank you, sorry,' and so on."

Writing in The Guardian, Julian Baggini calls it "quotidian ethics: the morality of our small everyday interactions with other people".

We mostly heeded our parents' call to be civil to our sandpit sidekicks. But now that we're grown up we tend to think of that stuff as disposable. So, insulated by a little metal box we use its speed, direction and proximity to other speeding boxes to communicate with their occupants. That and The Finger, or course.

Is it a man's world?
But it's a man's world, right? If you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen. If you can't take a little hustling you shouldn't be on the road. If you can't defend your bit of highway, take the bus.

All very macho, but a Baggini notes an important point made by a Greek non-motorist named Aristotle, who invented what became known as virtue ethics. History neglects to mention whether he ever gave anyone The Finger, but he's remembered for other things, including he observation that humans are mostly creatures of habit and that to treat each other well takes practice.

Aristotle pointed out that most people manage to obey the law (Obviously he never drove on a highway) and that generally we draw our conclusions over whether someone is a good or bad person according to how they do little things.

History neglects to mention whether anyone sent SMSs or spoke on a cellphone during a conversation with Aristotle, but we can rest assured that he'd have thought of it as poor form. The same goes for drinking and eating more than you brought at a party, interrupting people or talking during movies. That would've driven Aristotle crazy.

Politeness reinforces regard for others
Baggini points out, "The daily practice of civility and politeness reinforces a regard for others and concern for their welfare." In other words, your behaviour is either contributing to society's improvement or its decline.

That's a tall order when your peers consider it a poor form to not walk into lifts before the occupants have left. For some it's part of some unwritten social code to try to run down pedestrians who cross the road at zebra crossings. And if you do make space in your patch of highway for someone to change lanes, it's because you weren't concentrating or because you were intimidated by the size and cost of his car.

Where does all this leave males? Well, when your peers are being oafish, it means that politeness can score you points. You might be the first person a woman's been approached by who said, "Hi, my name's Jack. If you're not with someone, could I buy you a drink?" rather than, "This face is leaving in five minutes. Be on it."

Women see courtesy as strength
In short, women are likely to see your unfailing courtesy as a sign of strength, not weakness. Refraining from driving at breakneck speed with her in the car is less likely to get you labeled as boring than as mature and aware of her safety. If you're into being reckless, buy her something expensive.

And the whole liberated-woman thing? If you're the closest person to the lift door you may as well walk in first, rather than stand on eight people's toes so she can get in first. But definitely offer to press buttons if you're closes to them.

And asking for a date? Try substituting, "So, d'you like wanna go out, hey?" with something like, "I wondered if it would be appropriate to ask you out. Would you like to have dinner with me?"

It seems trite, but following the guidelines laid down by a dead Greek guy might result in her thinking of you as her personal Greek god.

(William Smook)

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