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Families will never be perfect – they consist of people, none of whom are perfect. But they can be offbeat, yet fully functional.
There is a joke doing the rounds: Question: What's the definition of a dysfunctional family? Answer: One that has more than one member.
This article is not so much about dysfunctional families, as such, but more about things which family members should not do to each other. Unless they want to cause each other deep and lasting distress, that is. And, unfortunately, often it appears that that is what family members sometimes do.
Is your family guilty of any of the following things?
Odious comparisons. Both parents and children can make themselves guilty of these. Any sentence starting with, "Why can't you be more like…" is actually saying that you don't think your family member is good enough and that they compare unfavourably with someone else. This is very damaging to anyone's self-esteem. By all means criticise someone's behaviour if you're unhappy about something, but don't compare them to someone else.
Using money as a manipulative tool. Every family, unless your surname is Rockefeller, has a limited amount of money. Sometimes painful decisions need to be made about how to spend this. Everyone can't always get what they want, but these decisions should be based on rational discussion, not as a means of control or manipulation or punishment. It is unfair when one family member is constantly favoured over others and it causes deep-seated resentment. Similar resentment builds up when a spouse uses money to restrict his/her partner in some way.
Breaking down self-esteem. Constant negative criticism will have an effect on anyone. It is almost impossible not to absorb and internalise some of this. And a low self-esteem is something which influences us for the rest of our lives – in our choices of partners, jobs, and even in how we choose to treat our own children. No one is perfect and every now and then constructive criticism is definitely warranted. But there is a big difference between saying, "You can never do anything right" and "I'm sure things will work out if you give it one more try – I know you can do it."
Using guilt as leverage. Our society has fairly prescriptive ideas on what families owe each other – and often these ideas are not very practical or realistic. You need only think of the perfect moms we see on TV advertisements. How many homes do you really think function like that? But that is the norm upheld by society. Which makes a guilt trip so easy. For both parents and children. Point is, in healthy families, people ask what they want directly, e.g. "Would it be possible for you to fetch me from work at 11 pm, or should I try and get a lift with someone else?" As opposed to "Cheryl's dad never complains when he has to fetch her late at night." That's a guilt trip.
Forcing children to choose sides. When a marriage goes sour, there are often many more casualties than the couple. Children have two parents, and regardless of why a marriage has ended (except in cases of physical or sexual abuse – and even then still sometimes), a child will continue to feel a sense of loyalty to both parents. Trying to get a child on your side and against the other parent, is very selfish behaviour. That is his/her parent and he/she will always remain a part of their lives, whatever you do. Children are not stupid and realise what you are trying to do if you spit venom about the other parent. Basically, you are using the child to get at your former spouse – very toxic and harmful behaviour.
Parents undermining each other's authority. Parents should present a united front to children. They should decide what the rules are and stick to them. Getting at each other by undermining the other one's rules is immature, shortsighted and bad for the children. It turns every issue into a potential battleground – and who wants to be part of a family who is permanently at war?
Not discussing rules. When rules are autocratically imposed, they are usually resented. Especially if you have older children in the house. Sit down and talk about both sides of the story and explain the reasoning behind the need for a rule, e.g. "Phone home, if you're going to be late, otherwise we will worry about whether something might have happened to you." It will go down a lot better than, "You'd better be here at 10 p.m. or else."
Seeing parents as cash cows. Parents work hard for their salaries, but they certainly do not have an endless supply of cash. They should not be treated by their children as cash cows, who will just jolly well have to fork out for whatever whim has taken the kid's fancy now. Treating parents in this manner, will make them feel resentful, as if they are not really people, but merely cash dispensers. It is a good idea for kids to get part-time jobs as soon as possible, to fund the extras in their lives.
Electronic mum. This is what a friend who has two toddlers, calls Cartoon Network. Well, it can be handy, but sometimes parents can go too far when trying to make up for their absence by buying lots of expensive toys and gadgets. Videos are fine and well, but not as a substitute for your love and attention. So, the bottom line is, it's fine to get a video so you can take a sanity break once in a while – it's not fine when this becomes a daily thing.
Lack of information about movements. Family members need to know where the others are. You don't have to give a minute-by-minute breakdown of what you intend doing and where you're going. "I'm going to look for a present for Jake and I'll be back by three," is quite sufficient. It is essential to be home for meals, unless you've said you won't be. Parents especially need to be able to locate their children at any time. Keep at least one family member informed about your movements – and they can expect no less from you. In the time of cellphones, this is still important – cellphones can have flat batteries.
Hiding abuse/alcoholism/drug use. Dysfunctional families are good at presenting a functional facade to the world. They are good at hiding emotional or physical abuse, or alcoholism, or drug abuse by making excuses for the person concerned, and protecting them by not bringing people to the house who would spread the news. All of these things enable this person to continue with his/her destructive habits. Confrontation and speaking the truth are very low on the agendas of dysfunctional families – consequently it is sometimes only in adulthood that people realise they had family members with serious addiction problems.
Refusing to go into therapy. If therapy is suggested by anyone to a family, it is usually the person with whom most of the problem lies, who will refuse to go. Healthy families discuss even painful things openly, but dysfunctional families thrive on pretense, sham, cover-ups and denial. Very often, a scapegoat will be chosen, whose 'problems' become the main focus of the family. The purpose of this is to divert the attention from the other more serious problems in the family. And getting these problems out into the open is the last thing that is desired – hence the refusal to go into therapy.
Having obvious favourites. When parents have obvious favourites, it can scuttle the whole family's happiness – including that of the favourite. Children have different strengths and qualities, but obvious preference of one over the others can leave lasting scars – even long after the parents are dead and buried. Lack of self-esteem, or an exaggerated sense of self-importance are both difficult traits to carry into life.
Cutting all ties. Whether parents or children or siblings do this, it is always painful. There are some families where the family relations can be quite toxic and not beneficial to anyone's sense of well-being, but there are few that are so bad, that they cannot be tolerated twice a year for birthdays or Christmas. Detaching yourself from someone's emotional hold on you does not mean you never have to see them. Maintaining some contact is, in most cases, the healthy thing to do. Even if your dad has run off with another woman (or man) or your child has joined some weird sect. Nursing grudges for decades will only poison you – let go of these things.
(Susan Erasmus, Health24 updated October 2010)
