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Check your mate – your health depends on it

Some say opposites attract. Others think likeness is the elixir of love. But whichever force drives the initial attraction, once you’re in a committed relationship, behavioural differences can become dangerous ground.

There’s no escaping the subtle cumulative effect of a partner’s behaviour.

Maybe he spends weekends sprawled on the couch with the remote while she’s up early hankering for a hike. Or she has a taste for fatty, five-course dinners while he prefers a basic, well-balanced meal to match his gym routine. Whatever their differences, a couple’s shared life will undoubtedly have an impact on their individual physical and mental health. And not always in a good way.

“Sue* was the best thing that could ever have happened to me,” says Derek*, a 70-year-old businessman who lives with his girlfriend in Johannesburg. When they met three years ago he was overweight and yearning to return to the fit and healthy state he’d enjoyed in his youth. Derek’s partner, Sue*, is 30 years his junior but fell in love despite her man’s less than healthy lifestyle.

Before meeting Sue, Derek battled constantly with his weight. “Ever since I quit my 60-a-day smoking habit almost 30 years ago I’ve struggled to stay in shape,” he explains. “I tried every diet possible but never managed to keep the weight off. Once I was even rushed to hospital after a fad diet played havoc with my sugar levels.”

When he fell in love with Sue, who is passionate about organic produce, raw food, nutrition and healthy living, Derek found himself becoming open to new ideas and a new relationship with food. Friends now comment that Sue seems to have shaven years off his age simply by taking him along on her morning runs and exposing him to the wholesome food she likes to eat.

A shared problem is halved
For Valerie* (35) and Hugh* (38) finding a balance between their respective approaches to health has been a long and tricky tightrope to walk.

“Sometimes I thought I became an alcoholic because I was locked into a relationship,” Hugh says. But he concedes it was his marriage and his love for Valerie and their two children – and ultimately his decision to start loving himself – that caused him to clean up his lifestyle.

In the beginning a shared lifestyle brought them together. Later their lifestyle differences almost drove them apart.

“When we met in our late teens we were both party animals,” Valerie recalls. “We drank, smoked and hit the club scene, indulging in all sorts of recreational drugs. We had fun but a few years into our courtship I stumbled on a book about meditation that awakened in me a yearning to live another kind of lifestyle – one that celebrated natural health and conscious living.

“Being an extreme person, in many ways similar to Hugh, I went the whole hog,” she says with a laugh. “Not only did I meditate but I became a vegetarian, stopped drinking and devoted myself to the study of alternative healing techniques and organic cooking. Hugh carried on living the party life. We argued about our different habits and eventually parted.”

Surprisingly it was Valerie who then fell ill with hepatitis A. She was hospitalised and placed in critical care. Frightened and desperately ill she called Hugh, who came to visit her. “Seeing him motivated me and I felt compelled to get well,” she says. “I’d missed him so much and realised that our love for each other transcended our many differences. We got back together and a few months later I fell pregnant.”

By then they’d been seeing each other for eight years so they decided to marry and have the baby.

“I was still on my health kick and he kept up the same lifestyle, including a lot of drinking and more drugging than before,” Valerie says. “When I had the baby I became even more focused on healthy living. Tension rose steadily over the years. We’d argue over where to keep his Coca-Cola because our toddler would open the fridge and go straight for the bright red can.”

Bigger problems took root when Hugh’s drug habit grew into full-blown addiction. By this stage they also had a demanding toddler, a second baby and soaring stress levels to contend with.

“I tried not to be the nagging wife,” Valerie says. “But the strain of raising two children while worrying about whether Hugh was high or driving drunk eventually wore me down. On my third attempt at giving him an ultimatum and begging him to choose between me and the kids and his whisky and cocaine, I eventually packed his bags and said ‘Don’t come back until you’ve sorted yourself out’.”

Hugh checked himself into rehab. The decision probably saved his life. Six months later he came home, ready to embrace a healthier way of living. And now, seven years later, their marriage and family are stronger (and healthier) than ever.

“We had to realise that we needed to make changes to ourselves, not to each other,” Valerie says “I had to tame my inner health dictator and Hugh had to take responsibility for the underlying causes of his addictions.”

Heading for health together
Addictions counsellor Romey Russell says the best way to address health concerns in a relationship is to communicate them. But it’s all in the delivery: you need to be supportive but also gently confrontational.

“If your spouse is constantly complaining about gaining weight but keeps eating chocolate or bingeing on junk food, choose a moment when you’re not angry and simply say, ‘You complain about gaining weight but you keep eating chocolate. What shall we do about it?’ This way she feels supported.”

Dr Murray Rushmere, a homeopath and GP, agrees a couple should support each other when facing unhealthy habits.

“Self-destructive behaviour isn’t that simple,” he says. Unhealthy eating, drinking or living is often addictive in nature or is used to fulfil a need to be comforted. So simply telling your partner to stop eating chocolate or to stop smoking isn’t always the most compassionate or helpful thing to do.

“Instead, encourage your partner to seek help in understanding why they’re eating, drinking or smoking so much.”

It’s also important not to place yourself in a policing role, where you have to spy on your partner’s eating, drinking or self-destructive behaviour, Russell says.

“You don’t want it to become a cat-and-mouse game where one partner is hiding things from the other,” she says. “This stops that person from taking responsibility for his behaviour and you’re in fact enabling him to continue. Instead you need to let go while still pointing out the consequences of the behaviour.”

Are you good for you?
Whether you’re a kilojoule-counter or an overindulger, an exercise bunny or a couch slouch, your lifestyle is your responsibility. Partners change but these hard-and-fast health facts never will:

• Unhealthy eating habits, substance abuse and lack of exercise can lead to the development of certain risk factors that cause disease. Although only diagnosed in middle age or later in life, the damage is done through a lifetime, often starting in childhood. Some of the most common lifestyle-related diseases include high cholesterol, high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, cancer, kidney failure and emphysema.
• Eating three balanced meals a day is the best thing you can do for your health because it regulates your mood, gives you energy and builds your immune system.
• When you exercise, you burn kilojoules, reducing the risk of heart attack and stroke by strengthening you heart muscle and lowering blood-pressure levels.
• Improving your vascular health will boost your sex drive and stimulate your short-term memory. Endorphins, hormones released during cardiovascular activity, will help to keep you happy and relaxed while reducing the effects of stress, anxiety and depression.
• Stress, lack of sleep, anxiety and depression all take a toll on your physical health. Meditation, laughter and rest are essential antidotes and an investment in good health.

Home improvement
Maintain your relationship and your health with these smart and simple strategies:

• Be proactive. Don't bury your head in the sand and hope the problem will disappear on its own. Only by acknowledging your concerns about your own or your partner's health can you start finding solutions.
• Communicate openly. Honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. But remember to point out your observations in a kind and non-judgmental way.
• Look after yourself. Take care of your own wellbeing. Your health is your responsibility. By setting a good example, you may influence and inspire your spouse with your health choices and over time his or her choices may dovetail with yours.
• Get help. Be it a dietician, a psychologist, a re?exologist, a naturopath or a holistic nutritionist, the appropriate help for your relationship concerns can be found in myriad healing professions. The important thing is to take active, positive steps in a healthy direction.

*Not their real names.

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