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Shyness is a sort of mild fear that’s more common than you may think. In most cases, it’s just an uncomfortable part of being normal.
But in its more extreme forms, shyness is called social anxiety disorder (SAD), mainly from the degree to which it limits your freedom to live and work as you please. It may need more serious treatment, supervised by a psychiatrist, which can include medicines also used to treat depression. In addition, cognitive-behaviour therapy, a very effective modern form of counselling, could be a great help.
Most of us get a bit worried before meeting new people – whether in a work or social setting. The initial feelings of self-consciousness, or fear that we may embarrass ourselves, often make us hesitant to approach or speak to new people. But once we've spent some time with them, we relax and may even enjoy ourselves.
A shy person is often convinced that everyone is watching them, and evaluating and criticising. But the truth is that other people aren’t really bothered and hardly pay attention to what you do. So you only make things more difficult for yourself by assuming that you must always look in control, and be impressively clever and competent.
Shy people are usually quite easy to spot. At a party, for instance, they're the one helping in the kitchen, behind the bar, or cleaning up. This is because they tend to avoid situations where they'll feel or look bad. They’re good at minimising their chances of ever having good experiences that might lead them to revise your expectation of failure.
In a very real sense, shy people cheat themselves, building a case against themselves, and avoiding chances of discovering they’re actually OK.
Breaking out of your shell
Are you shy? Here are some ways to start reversing these bad habits:
• Cut down on the critical self-scrutiny (“Am I sweating? Do I look silly? Will I get away with this?”).
• Concentrate on more positive and relevant thoughts.
• Recognise those damaging automatic thoughts and challenge them.
• Insist on good evidence for your automatic thoughts before assuming them to be true.
• Ask yourself if there are any benefits to you or anyone else arising from your assumptions. • Practise envisaging different and more confident conclusions.
• For every negative thing you think of yourself, find a positive thing and give it equal attention.
• Stop assuming that everyone can see every trembling fear you have.
• Get used to social situations.
Mastering the art of small talk
Start small. Stop looking at each event as an ordeal and see it as a chance to learn something new about how to handle each event well.
Smile and greet somebody who looks available, and then just engage in small talk. If you’re not sure who to talk to, search for people who are already talking or appear as though they want to talk. These are the people who are usually easiest to approach because they require little prodding to engage in conversation. Maybe start by just saying hello – look at them, smile, and see how they react.
Always start by asking whomever you approach about themselves. Most people (especially if they're not also shy) think they're really interesting, and will remember you as an excellent conversationalist. Mid-20th-century author and noted toastmaster Herbert Prochnow once said: “Talk to anyone about themselves and they’ll listen without interrupting.”
Thinking you’re starting a conversation, only to be answered YES or NO, can be a bit of a downer. So rather start with open-ended questions such as:
• What are you enjoying most about this party?
• How do you know the host?
• Could you explain to me how this works?
• What is your opinion of...?
• Why do you think ... happened?
And remember, whatever happens, you're adding to your repertoire and exercising new skills.
It's really not all about you
Don't assume you're responsible for everything that happens.
Some people will move on quickly, even after you’ve opened with your best line. But it’s not because there's anything wrong with you – it’s probably just because they've just spotted someone they've been waiting weeks to see, or perhaps because there’s someone they’re avoiding. Also consider that someone else may have annoyed them before you came along, or they're deeply bored with the entire party.
If one contact doesn't work out, shrug it off and move on to another guest.
Don't expect too much of yourself. Rather learn to appreciate what you actually achieved and the improvements you’ve managed to make on previous experiences. And try to make fair comparisons: don't ever compare yourself to the most confident and sparkling person in the room.
Being appropriately confident isn't rocket science – it’s merely about practising some easily learnt skills. Greater confidence is all about building a series of small successes that become a sound basis for real confidence.
But in its more extreme forms, shyness is called social anxiety disorder (SAD), mainly from the degree to which it limits your freedom to live and work as you please. It may need more serious treatment, supervised by a psychiatrist, which can include medicines also used to treat depression. In addition, cognitive-behaviour therapy, a very effective modern form of counselling, could be a great help.
Most of us get a bit worried before meeting new people – whether in a work or social setting. The initial feelings of self-consciousness, or fear that we may embarrass ourselves, often make us hesitant to approach or speak to new people. But once we've spent some time with them, we relax and may even enjoy ourselves.
A shy person is often convinced that everyone is watching them, and evaluating and criticising. But the truth is that other people aren’t really bothered and hardly pay attention to what you do. So you only make things more difficult for yourself by assuming that you must always look in control, and be impressively clever and competent.
Shy people are usually quite easy to spot. At a party, for instance, they're the one helping in the kitchen, behind the bar, or cleaning up. This is because they tend to avoid situations where they'll feel or look bad. They’re good at minimising their chances of ever having good experiences that might lead them to revise your expectation of failure.
In a very real sense, shy people cheat themselves, building a case against themselves, and avoiding chances of discovering they’re actually OK.
Breaking out of your shell
Are you shy? Here are some ways to start reversing these bad habits:
• Cut down on the critical self-scrutiny (“Am I sweating? Do I look silly? Will I get away with this?”).
• Concentrate on more positive and relevant thoughts.
• Recognise those damaging automatic thoughts and challenge them.
• Insist on good evidence for your automatic thoughts before assuming them to be true.
• Ask yourself if there are any benefits to you or anyone else arising from your assumptions. • Practise envisaging different and more confident conclusions.
• For every negative thing you think of yourself, find a positive thing and give it equal attention.
• Stop assuming that everyone can see every trembling fear you have.
• Get used to social situations.
Mastering the art of small talk
Start small. Stop looking at each event as an ordeal and see it as a chance to learn something new about how to handle each event well.
Smile and greet somebody who looks available, and then just engage in small talk. If you’re not sure who to talk to, search for people who are already talking or appear as though they want to talk. These are the people who are usually easiest to approach because they require little prodding to engage in conversation. Maybe start by just saying hello – look at them, smile, and see how they react.
Always start by asking whomever you approach about themselves. Most people (especially if they're not also shy) think they're really interesting, and will remember you as an excellent conversationalist. Mid-20th-century author and noted toastmaster Herbert Prochnow once said: “Talk to anyone about themselves and they’ll listen without interrupting.”
Thinking you’re starting a conversation, only to be answered YES or NO, can be a bit of a downer. So rather start with open-ended questions such as:
• What are you enjoying most about this party?
• How do you know the host?
• Could you explain to me how this works?
• What is your opinion of...?
• Why do you think ... happened?
And remember, whatever happens, you're adding to your repertoire and exercising new skills.
It's really not all about you
Don't assume you're responsible for everything that happens.
Some people will move on quickly, even after you’ve opened with your best line. But it’s not because there's anything wrong with you – it’s probably just because they've just spotted someone they've been waiting weeks to see, or perhaps because there’s someone they’re avoiding. Also consider that someone else may have annoyed them before you came along, or they're deeply bored with the entire party.
If one contact doesn't work out, shrug it off and move on to another guest.
Don't expect too much of yourself. Rather learn to appreciate what you actually achieved and the improvements you’ve managed to make on previous experiences. And try to make fair comparisons: don't ever compare yourself to the most confident and sparkling person in the room.
Being appropriately confident isn't rocket science – it’s merely about practising some easily learnt skills. Greater confidence is all about building a series of small successes that become a sound basis for real confidence.
