Helping your child deal with grief

A waterfall of tears, sleepless nights and emptiness. We’ve all experienced grief in some way and have our own methods of coping, but for children who are still learning to understand their feelings, grief can be very difficult.  It is difficult for him to understand why their favourite pet, childhood friend or grandfather won’t be around anymore. As a parent, you can help your child heal from and understand the loss of a loved one by supporting him and teaching him about death. 

Break the news gently

• Choose an appropriate time. Sometimes the timing is unavoidable, but try not to share bad news before school or a big event. 
• There should be enough time to discuss it and answer any questions he may have.
• Answer simply, without explanations that are above his understanding.
• Euphemisms such as "Grandpa has gone away" may leave him feeling confused and anxious. When telling him that someone has died, make sure the word "died" is used. 
• Use simple explanations that are appropriate to your child’s age, so he won’t feel overwhelmed with too much information.

Show empathy without overcrowding

• Allow your child to speak when he is ready. Don’t push him.
• Encourage him gently to talk about how he feels and ask questions. Create an atmosphere of openness and emphasise that there's no one right or wrong way to feel.  
• Allow him to express his emotions. He may find it difficult to express himself through words, so it may be helpful create a special memory box, draw pictures for the deceased loved one, put together a photo album or special items from the loved one in a special place. 
• Answer the questions he asks, no matter how you feel about the question.
• Listen to your child because the real message is often beneath his words.
• Don’t avoid talking about something that is obviously upsetting.

Introduce life and death

• It’s important to tell your child about death because it will make sorrow and death much easier for him to deal with because he will understand what it means.
• Teach your child about death by preparing him for when a death in the family is expected. For example, if a grandparent is sick. This offers an opportunity to start processing the idea before he is overwhelmed by grief.
• Emphasise how death is a natural part of everyday life. Flowers that blossom and die in season, or when a pet dies, may provide an opening to teach him about this cycle.
• Books can be a great way to teach children about death. Read books with your child and talk afterwards about what he felt.

Good to know:

• Reassure your child that he is loved and will always be cared for by a loved one. 
• Therapy is recommended in the case of the death of a parent or sibling. This provides another outlet for grief and coping.
• Help your child hold on to happy memories of the person who died by encouraging him to reminisce about the person.
• Your child is a part of the family and it is only natural that he takes part in the funeral along with everybody else. Prepare him by telling him exactly what is going to take place and why. 
• Let your child see your own grief within limits. Talking about loss and shedding a few tears, will let him know that it’s alright to be sad and it’s okay to show it. 
• It is equally important to show healthy coping too, to show that it gets better in time.