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27 March 2015

Get dirty in the dark

Earth Hour brings with it a whole hour of darkness, here's how you can make the most out of it, naughty style.

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Tomorrow night between 8:30 and 9:30, South Africa will celebrate Earth Hour by switching off the lights for the good of the planet.  A whole hour of darkness can pose some problems to average folk due to the slight inconvenience of not being able to see anything.

Rather than being glum in the gloaming, however, we’re all about making the most of this not-so-novel-since-Eskom-started-loadshedding situation. We want you to embrace the darkness, or more precisely, embrace somebody else in the darkness. Naked.

That’s right. Semi-enforced darkness provides a great opportunity for doing it like your grandparents did, but instead of lying back and thinking of the Platteland, we want you to have some fun with it. Here’s our guide to doing it in the dark.

GAME: Find the Phallus

Sort of like pin the tail on the donkey, but please don’t use the pin. Instead, the gentleman locates himself somewhere in the room and then stays as quiet as a mouse (with a rampaging erection) while his partner searches high and low for the elusive appendage. Total darkness makes this fun as simply navigating the room without breaking anything becomes a challenge. What you do when you find the dick in the dark is entirely up to you. Think of Captain Cook searching for Australia, but instead you’re Down Under and hunting for Captain Cock.

If you really want to spice things up you can go for a variation on the swimming pool classic Marco Polo, simply replace the words with something more erotic. TIETE! PIELE! Anyone?

UTILITY: Glow in the dark paint or condoms

The unbridled awesomeness of glow in the dark things tends to start fading around the time puberty hits, but once you’re safely on the other side why not reintroduce the magic in some way? Earth hour provides the best opportunity to incorporate this into the bedroom. When it comes to glow in the dark paint your imagination is your only limit. Perhaps you’d like to highlight some key areas for your partner to focus. A huge glowing arrow pointing towards your genitals is an incredibly subtle way of intimating that you might enjoy a bout of oral sex. If it’s too subtle, simply scrawl the words BLOW ME on the floor, just remember to clean it off before your in-laws come over for dinner and loadshedding kicks in.

For the adventurous, paint your house in sexual cues before your partner gets home. Then, when the lights go off, and the words LET’S GET PHYSICAL appear emblazoned upon the ceiling your partner will either spectacularly aroused, or scared and bewildered.

Glow in the dark condoms offer both practical and playful solutions. Practically, you can think of them as those dudes with the glowing wands/paddles who tell taxiing planes where to go, but for sex, helping you guide the bits to where they need to be. Really, however, there is nothing more enjoyable than watching what appears a floating nuclear isotope bounce around in front of you before suddenly disappearing into a “crevice.” If two men are involved, however, be prepared for a lightsaber duel that is completely different from what George Lucas had in mind.

For an interesting crossover, placing a glow in the dark condom over a bottle allows you to play a potentially alarming game of spin the bottle where you have literally no idea who’s on the other end.

BE AWARE: Accidental swinging.

A good thing if you’re into it, potentially catastrophic if you’re not. A large gathering of sexually-minded adults in one place always raises the potential of some unintentional crossover. Here are some sure-fire tips for determining if the person you fondling is who you’re supposed to be fondling.

Tips for spotting your man in the dark:

Scent: All women should know their man’s natural musk, if he works in a bakery but smells like an oil rig, it’s probably not your man.

Clothing: Grope your neighbour profusely and try to determine precisely what they’re wearing from head to toe. When complete, compare that to what your husband was wearing before the lights went off. If they differ, apologise profusely, it’s probably not your man.

Name: Ask them, sensually, what their name is. If your partner is called Brian, but this person is called Wallace, it’s probably not your man.

Tips for spotting your woman in the dark:

Pick up line: Say your best, most effective pick up line. If the person next to you laughs, it’s probably not your lady, she’s heard it way too many times before.

Offer a drink: You should know your lady’s drink order, if you’re reaching for the (hopefully glow in the dark-labelled) Chardonnay but she calls for a triple Jack and Coke, it’s probably not your lady.

Name: Ask them, in a fake voice, what their name is. If their name is Jane, but her name is Wallace, it’s probably not your lady.

TOP TIPS:

Go slow. In the dark it’s hard to see where your limbs/furniture/pets are. Some vigorous shagging could be ruined by hours of equally vigorous cleaning when the lights come back on.

Be certain. That might feel like the right place to be putting something, but make sure. Make real sure.

Avoid high surfaces. Sexing it up on the dining room table might seem like a great idea, but the broken coccyx when you fall off the edge does not.

Time things right. Make the most of Earth Hour, but be aware it’s just an hour. The last thing you want is for the lights to come on 10 seconds before you climax and you realise you’re covered in paint and fornicating wholeheartedly with some stranger by the pool pump. 

Read more:

Why men love a big booty 

Tongue-tickling tricks 

Prepare for bedroom fireworks

 
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